The Anger dwells from deep within
It hides beneath this fake grin
It boils high and boils low
&%*^ off cow you have to go

How dare you speak to me this way
Making me feel so small today
And I have to keep the anger in
Hiding behind this stupid grin

As it hots up deep inside
I wish I did not have to hide
I want to tell you how much you stink
I want you to know what I think

I want to be rid of your awful thoughts
Things that you say hurt; they ought
I am not your play with little toy
Does this give you so much joy?

I bang on the typewriter harder still
The Anger will not abate at will
It will go shortly this I know
As I formulate a plan to go

What will I say in response
Wanting to say "You hurt me with your nonchalance"
But instead it will be buried so deep
My eyes telling you, you are an awful creep

Getting quotes

Getting quotes for an artwork I will be displaying in Healing through Creativity. It was cheaper than I thought. I will have to redo some formating to allow for better printing. My previous thoughts ended up being too difficult to accomplish, but I will update it and put it on the website at a later time for viewing.

Why not enter your work, poem in www.healingthroughcreativity.org in July 2006. You can do it anonymously.

Whitedove

I am not like my mum

As I stare at the clock
Hearing it say tic, saying toc
I wonder when I will fall asleep
My mind silent, not a peep

I wonder why I felt happy today
Angry feelings kept at bay
Why do I feel happy; instead of glum
Is it because I am not like my mum?

One is "supposed" to idolise
Their model parent; so critised
What do you do if she did not care
If she did not worry, if she was not there?

If she let you understand; that father was good
He molested you; whenever he could?
And when you told her; putting fears aside
She said "What do you want?" and then let the topic hide?

So instead of helping; she chose to forget
She lived with this monster; mind set
And when you raised the topic; saying something
She yelled and screamed; "It was nothing!!"

When you tried to seek help; shortly after
From professionals; therapists; there was much laughter
And when you chose to run away
It was their parenting that held you at bay

And what do you say; when years pass
You confronted your father; yes at last!
When your mother stood and defended him
For his guilt and for his sin?

What do you say; when she tries to reconcile
With a Christmas card; that is so vile
Nothing mentioned; everything quiet
Only the veiled message; "Do not be defiant"

I will accept you; but only when
You say nothing about your fathers sin
We must be as quiet as a mouse
And not utter a word of evil in the house

What do you do; feeling completely alone
Look at the card; missing home
Realised that home was never there
A fairy tale; where nobody did care?

"It is OK"; it was in the past
As another grandchild; is offered up fast
Sisters living in complete denial
Like their mother, are ever so frail

So finally; I looked at the card
It caused me grief; ever so hard
I picked up the phone; wanting to be heard
And said "How do you live with him" you silly t*rd

For you see; it is many years on
When your kids judge you; they know a con
So maybe I am feeling in a happy way
Because I am not like my mum today

Wrote this one in the middle of the night. Inspired by an event that happened about 3 months ago.

Computer Problems

My home pc (where I update the site from) died a number of days ago so unfortunately updating the site has come to a complete halt while I reconstruct my PC and take the chance to upgrade it......

The comment section of this blog is not working either (must be the computer aliens again!!) which is a mystery, and turning it on causes errors. Hopefully Blogger support will come back with the answers to this problem.

My luck has changed for the better though. I started a new job this week, and it seems hopeful plus one of my poems "Little Girl Gone" and a short story "The Owl and the Eagle" will be published. It will be available in June on Amazon and bookstores in Canada. The book focuses on Eating Disorders, and will have a chapter on sexual abuse in relation to eating disorders. It will also feature the "Whitedoves Story" as seen on www.whitedovesnest.com.

With the new job, we will be able to move away from the area I live (close to the abuser) so this will give me a bit more peace of mind

I will post more information on the book, closer to the date of publication.

Whitedove (pulling her hair out at sooooo many computer problems!)

Just finished the introductory chapter of my memoirs

Finally, I have started. I have been putting it off for a number of years now and have written two other books in preparation for this one. I think with the others I was getting the "hang" of writing a novel length piece and placing a fictional background on it, to ease me into writing.

It sounded great. I am estatic! I am so glad I started. However, I know it is going to be a harrowing experience writing my story down. Hence the reason I have put it off for so long.

I started it at 3AM today. Just could not sleep and had a number of exciting ideas for it, and just started to write.

P.S. Fingers crossed, one of my poems is to be included in a book of poetry for eating disorders. No final go ahead but hopefully something will come of it.

((((hugs)))))
whitedove

The Teddy Bear Creed by Whitedove

The Teddy Bear Creed


There was a knock upon the door
The teacher turned around
A smile came to her bright face
Teddies, red, white and brown

Smiley, Ricky Racoon, Duck Rebecca
Walked in with Curly The Quick
Ithaca Bear, Blankie, Sophie
Teddy closing the door with a swift kick

They found their seats in the back
And turned to the board
There was a hush around the room
Their attention not ignored

Now listen closely teddy bears
This is something you all need
For todays lessons boys and girls
Is the Teddy Bear Creed

Molly looked towards the others
For she had not heard
Just what the teacher was talking about
It had never occurred

We teddies have one role in life
It is our overall rule
To listen; to hear; to understand
With the Creed as your tool

Your lifes work is of comfort
To listen to their woes
To understand their grief
And to be there to just know

Whether they be a child
Or an adult in despair
You must understand
Its emotions that we repair

And when they are all alone
And no one seems to care
It is you that will hold their hand
It is you that will be there

When you get quite ragged
And your eyes are falling out
Remember that they need you
Of that there is no doubt

Be there when they are upset
Or in a crying grief
Understand you tell no one
Our silence is their relief

The secrets that they tell you
Are yours to keep indeed
Remember what they say to you
It is want they really need

And when you are looked at
Remember this with pride
That you are the ones
For which their problems hide

So remember boys and girls
When you walk from this class
It is for the comfort
That is all that they ask

The class looked to and fro
For now they all agreed
That today and for tomorrow
They would follow the Teddy Bear Creed