Scared of Basketballs

A while back, when my hair was blonde
A basketball hurt me, above and beyond
I was left mentally scarred, scared to my knees
Of basketballs, of courts, and of cheerleaders flees

And do you know quite casually, how often they appear,
I cannot get rid of them, and this awful dreadful fear
I just remember just what that basketball did
And how just after it, from basketballs I hid

The courts they send me into complete agony and fear,
Looping out of control, I cannot get near
And the lines they mix, altogether it seems
The memories of the hospital, the hits, I am not so keen

So I stayed away for years, not wanting that court
Not wanting to be near, no way, no ought,
And now what goes and happens, there is something that comes too
I have to sit there next to a basketball court, watching my daughter with you

And as the memories surface, from that time before
When the lines mixed together, when I felt so sore
When it becomes clear, when unknown what to do
I sit here staring at the basketball court, unknown by you

And thus far, I have run, hiding away
Not going near the basketball court, unknown what to say
And when I get too close, it starts again
Confronting I take off, fear knows that grin

And really no one knows, that I have such a fear
That I cannot live within a distance of the basketball clear
And I will continue to write, for I am unknown what to do
Just how do I get over the fear - I will leave it up to you.

A nice person?

Across the hardened surface
With lines that etch my face
And many a time played on them
And my story hidden with grace

I see you there coming
Unknown whom you are
Why do I feel a connection?
Trying desperately not to go far

And here is a simple question
Something that is of common place
They ask just a little detail
Drawing closer at their own pace

But what if my life imitates
Just what I grew up in
And this "nice person" again
Is a monster, with a hidden sin

Not again, that little girl cries
Fear again making her run
Silence just a golden moment
Stomach showing fear, sickness, no fun

So as you sit and look
You just hid your feelings within
Waiting for just the right moment
When maybe you can let that nice person in.



A subconsious comparison I always make - is this new person like him? The level of fear is HUGE. A new person today ask me to share something that would lead them to this site. I went silent....I am waiting for the right moment...just to see what they say.

Things I have gotten in the past:

Walking away
This is a confronting site
I could not read it
Amazing
People no longer speaking to me
Anger and frustration
Screams
Wonderful responses
Tears
People reading this site without my permission which devestated me
People adding their own story
Other assorted comments
"Im sorry"

I am always surprised at the responses. I have told many.

The book

This page is coloured white
For when my life began
And a rosy pink leather
Bound crisp and feathered end

And here on the ornate binding
A turn of a slight happy quill
I read and I write my life
The paper warps against my will

And here on this black page
A memory I dont want to see
And another sitting everywhere
All hidden inside of me

And if I dont remember
Do I just fold those pages away
Feel the thoughts and feelings
But dont remember on this given day

And the green pages are all happy
Because I had forgotten the black ones too
Just pretending they just did not happen
Forgetting what happened to you

And a leather bookmark stands here
Hidden directly in the spot
Of where my life and soul were taken
My life cut, and hidden in lots

And what if someone special
Were to seek out that book
And listen to the pages
Giving you such a hook

And slowly with their help
You turn the pages one by one
Discussing each memory slowly
The black ones, really not that much fun

So here in my book,
I let you see the pages for now
As you turn over the bindings
And furrow your hidden brow

And as we reach the end
It just starts up again
For I have forgotten thoughts
There is never any end

My little girl

Holding your small hand
Seeing your smile
And the laughter in your eyes
I see the love

Running through the fields
Catching butterflies
You are just amazing
A miracle of strength

My little girl
Blonde hair, blue eyes
Me, younger in disguise
Just amazing

Do you see me as your angel

Sometimes messages are cryptic


I waited for the reply
For you see it was a loaded question
He did not see the sky

And as the time slowly trickled past
I watched the words appear
I wonder if he would understand
It was a test I would hold dear

And there in a silent note
And there is a moment in time
I sat there waiting and wondering
It was not really a crime

I just wanted to know
Just curious and wanted to see
For I just wanted to know
His feelings towards me

So here I got a large reply
Not a simple yes or no
For a loaded question
Does not come and go

And the final sentence
Ended with the words of glow
You deserve more,
than a simple yes or no

Submitted this week to Whitedovesnest.com

Care

For ten long years
You endure just utter
Horror and nightmares
A living terror, every day stalking

Captured, by a monster
Trapped, lost and alone
Thoughts of please help me
Wander through your soul

And people say they will help
But you know that it is just
Empty words, a hollow boneless
Nightmare. Alone again

And given false hope
You turn, again hoping
That for some reason
Another will care

And you know deep down
They don't, and someone states
Quite separately what is occuring
And your world tumbles

Into an abyss, for the
Monster gets you again
One who abuses you
And the others who just don't care.

Why

I will never know
I will never understand
I could ask
But just hear some answer, that won't be true

Standing in front of you
Was just some more garbage
For there is no answer
To why

It is just a stage
Those forever ending stages
That really having no meaning
It is just placed on society

For who would talk
About the unspeakable
A young child
Surrounded by such terror

And horror
And the imaginings that you could not endure
And then one day she turns to you
All innocent in her thoughts and understandings

Hoping that she could at least trust someone
And for a while she thinks
Its all ok, and then realises, yesterday
That yes there is no answer to why.

A call backwards in time

You sit down
With your cup of tea
To the left
As you take the
Black phone
In your hand
And you dial the numbers

It rings
Bring Bring
She picks up, the phone looks different
She sits on the divan
Her legs quite not touching the floor
In front of her is the fridge and
All around is the kitchen, 1980's style

"Hello" she says
A silent tear falls down your face
"Hello"
"Hi" you say, you can hear your voices
Are just about the same, one high, one low

"Who are you" she asks
"I am someone who cares" you return
"For me?" she says
And I say Yes - especially for you

And you can hear the sigh of relief
On the other end of the phone
And you say
"I know what he is doing to you"
"I know what you have tried to do"
And your eyes are steadily getting fogged
Tears running and running

You can hear her crying on the other end of the phone
"Oh mummy, he does such bad things"
"But I protect my sister and yesterday, I made her
Pony tails in her hair. We played out side
It is not so bad after all"

And you know what horror she is enduring
And you know the pain she is going through
And that tonight or today, she must face
A rapist at every corner

But for just this phone call, you know she is safe,
Talking to you on the other line
And your hand starts to tremble
You can hear her thoughts

"Can you be my mummy? and take me away"
And you wish you could
But you know all you can do
Is say - good bye and "I love you"
And as you silently hang up the phone
A call backwards in time
To my own childhood.

A day....

Cry
For the phone is ringing
You pick it up
You hear the crying on the other end
She speaks of another
Who she thinks is badly hurting
She starts crying again
She mentions cutting
She is concerned about suicide
Cry
Something bad has happened
And you sit there listening to the person crying
Supporting them as they support another
Do you want to be there
Be prepared for what the tell you; you say
She speaks of the fright
Scare
She starts crying
You say call back any time
A day in the life of a suicide line volunteer

A Boy looking after Teddy Bears

In the middle of the forest
There is a boy
Looking after a teddy bear
There is not a sound

He is crouched
Wondering what to do
For the teddy bear
Has lost its leg

And tears fall down his face
Sewing the leg back on
The teddy bear now whole
He thinks; I must go to sewing school

And off to sewing school he goes
Learning, toiling, late nights
Hitting the books, tests, libraries
Meeting others who sew

Forever striving, to helping
Teddy bears in the moonlight
Taking its time,
Learning bit by bit, the cotton
The needle and the yarn

And finally on graduation
From the sewing school
He realises
It is time to sew again

In the middle of the forest
There is a boy
Looking after a teddy bear
There is not a sound




Sometimes a piece of paper means nothing. My first experience with work, I was dumbfounded at how much they don't actually teach you.

A shark tank

A shark tank.



A little girl
In the middle of the ocean
Hand raised in the air
Drowning, for she cannot swim
Sees a shark below
Circling
She gets bitten, her toe gone
She calls out, but no one there to help her
She cries, and cries, prays to God
Please, please help me, praying for a boat
Fear, fear, fear of the shark
Bellows through her mind.

A small boat, comes in the distance
A sail boat, with big white masks
And a hand grabs her, solidly
And lifts her into the boat

And she is bleeding, and crying and shaking
All because of the shark,
And the boat captain ignores her, and she continues bleeding
They sail to the docks and she bleeds

No one speaks to her, for sharks are taboo
No one likes sharks, lets not talk about it
And still she bleeds, her toe gone
But no one sees it, it is gone and forgotten, never talked about

It must be her fault, she decides. My toe is gone
I enticed the shark, the shark could find no one else to bite
So it was her fault. She did not get away fast enough
It is her fault. The teeth were big, it is my fault

She bleeds, her toe gone, scared, she sees shark pictures
In the shop, and ignores it.
Memories of the shark come to mind
She screams at the mirror, for it reminds her of the shark
And finally she folds. She is told, that in order to recover, she must

Visit a shark tank

Oh my GOD, she thinks, not a shark!
No one has much worried about the shark
Or spoken as yet, but not a tank! and she calls ahead, trying to get to goldfish
Goldfish would be easy to see, they wander around the tank, but they are not sharks
Sharks, bite my toe, but she cannot get away, she is folding, the shark is the only way

or so she is told

And she sits there, on the benches near the shark tank looking at the shark
And she starts to remember the shark.
Remembering the attack.
Remember how no one helped her. Lost and alone.
Even losing the connection to life itself
How she felt "different" because she was the shark's victim

Her stomach aches. She walks away for a while. But she can speak to no one

And the next time, she walks over to the tank, places her hand beside it
And the shark, glides by. Screaming, her toe starts bleeding and she
Runs away, because that shark is not getting her again
And she thinks of a machette next time, her thoughts invested in harming the shark

And the shark tank is taken away, and she is left stuck. Her toe bleeds

And she goes about her business. Remembering the shark tank.

It plays on her mind, day in and day out. She picks up the phone, and dials the circus, for where is the shark tank now?
And it is around, just another location and she travels, visiting again
Angered, for the shark disappeared, she wanders up to the shark, and screams at it
The shark glides by on the other side of the tank, saying nothing

Her heart lurches forward, and she has memories, and thoughts of her shark attack.
Her toe bleeds. She gets told, the shark will always get you.
And above the shark tanks reads the sharks name, but she cannot see it
And finally, a cricket bat appears from no where

And she sits there on the bench, with bat in hand, ready to attack, ready to break the shark out of the tank
Ready, to kill it wear it stands. Killing it, knowing she can do it. With that bat in hand she walks up
And takes a violent swing. And before, it hits the glass. She stops. The bat falls to the floor.

Her toe bleeds. She sits on the bench crying, a deep soulful cry. She is just not like that.

And she looks up, and from the clouds, a ray of sunshine appears, lighting up the sign, above the
Shark tank.

And glinting past the shark tank, at an angle, a red and white sign hangs. He is called Toothless.
And was no harm to anyone.

And her toe stopped bleeding.

23 March 2010

Avatar

Did you see it flutter

Did you see it fly

That little floating plant

Like a dandoline cry

And as it drifted

And landed all around

Did you see the next one

Touch the ground

And then another

And another still

Until it covers your body

All at will

The lovely plants

Attracted to your body's delight

Because they know

You are a messiah of might

And then in a whisper

I forget my pain

I notice the dandolines

Around you again

And I put down my anger

And I put down my rage

For together I know

We are on the same page

So come bond with me

Come and understand life

Surrounded by such loveliness

Forgetting our strife

Come fly with me

Come see the sights

I will show you everything

Including my life

Inspired by the movie.

Sweet Revenge

I saw the hospital in the distance
Parking the car behind
As the sun shone
Through the summer days

And I walked through the doors
The lifts on the right I rode
Them to the upper floors
As I had been summoned

This sickness of a man
Summoned me to his beside
And there he sat
Shrivelled, old man on his bed

And just before his dying day, and his last breath
Just before he was to meet his maker,
Whomever that may be,
I pushed aside the hospital curtain

Please forgive me he said
And I had flashbacks of my child hood
Extremeness of the inhumanity
The thoughts of how many children

That this peodophile had terrorised
Day in day out, they lived in fear
And I knew what I had to say
I knew that I could not lie

And from somewhere deep within me it started
And from somewhere it came
The howl of a soul, many souls injured
The screaming so that the hospital staff would hear

And it lasted about 20 mins
Until the nurses took me away
The drs would need to sedate him
And all the nursing staff knew

Know that he was forever not at peace
Know I knew he would reside
That hell would be his salvation
And I walked out of the hospital with pride