The Painting

It sat upon the wall
Above a fireplace; showing fall
The picture was there for years
In the place of many tears

I cannot remember its detail
Pierce my heart; as a nail
It was but orange; I do remember
Thoughts like fire and burning embers

It was large; looking over the room
At the end; it did but loom
Watching over the scene
Of my memories; it does but lean

Is it a picture of a road?
Or perhaps a river; my thoughts slowed
It could be a chain link fence
A forest of trees; stark and dense

I saw it there as my childhood passed
A downward sorrow is but cast
It stood above me in the room
As my father created my tomb

What stories would this painting tell
It would see my living hell
It would know what happened to me
My thoughts hurt; please let me be

So what if the painting were to speak
What would it say; wisdom to seek
And if I cannot remember this scene
Just what does that really mean?

For six years; this painting saw
My thoughts meek; I do withdraw
From what happened in this place
My memories; they try to erase

Years have past; the painting still there
I remember; it brings back the scare
My memories amiss at the end
The painting knows; it can but mend

So what do I seek from this painting now
As my thoughts furrow my brow
Could it be that I cannot know
The horror too much for me to grow?

If I remember what the painting knows
My life is thrown; my thoughts close
I am frightened of this scene
Of what my memories can but mean

So I forget; the room for now
I continue on with life; thoughts disavow
I one day will remember the painting
Steady myself; my thoughts are waiting.

This is why I love you

Submitted by Black Crow

The light I see within your eyes
The sparkle I see in your smile
These are the things that are true
And this is why I love you

You are an inspiration
To all that need to feel
That someone out there cares
To help so they can heal

Your courage is exceptional
Your heart is full of love
And this is why I adore you
My beautiful white dove

What is a friend

A leaf does slip off a tree
And silently falls down
It glides backwards and forwards
And lands on the ground

The next leaf does fall
And ponders down as well
It silently gathers to the ground
Where all the others do dwell

And what if the leaves were sorrow
My tears falling still
Would you be there to catch them
Chasing all my will?

A friend will catch the leaf
And turn it all around
They will offer their advice
Turn a smile from a frown

They will see the leaf
And put out there hand
And grab it well before
The tears fall to land

So here is my hand to
Catch your fallen tears
Your sorrow and your heartache
A true friendship through the years

Poem

Whitedove is currently reading "The Wounded Heart" by Dr Dan Allender

A poem:

The night is dark
But I can see
All the things
You mean to me

Your gorgeous face
Your beautiful smile
Your love for me
Makes it worthwhile

The joy you bring
The happiness you give
Makes me realise
How to live

You are so strong
In all your pain
The courage you show
Keeps me sane

I love you dearly
My loving wife
You and the girls
Are my life

Celebrating 10,000 unique visitors

Wow - I am amazed.

10,000 unique visitors to www.whitedovesnest.com!

Hope you have enjoyed your visit and return shortly.

Thanks to all the continual contributions I receive throughout the year to make this site what it is.

((((hugs))))
Whitedove.

Love instead of Hate

What are the choices
That we make
It seemed so real
But it was all fake

A land of make believe
A land of making things real
Of taking hold of something
Of it being surreal

Seeing things there
Speaking out loud
Hearing everything
Nothing so proud

Listening to music
It had meaning too
Unsure what was happening
Unsure what to do

Did I want to die
Was that the aim
Did it all become too much
Was it a game?

How did I make the call
Messages sent from high
I was to receive
I let out a sigh

So what did I send back
What was so great
What was I supposed to do
Was I too late

So here is the message
I sent to the gate
I said NO, NO, NO
Love instead of hate.


Hopefully who ever wanted this message will read it.

I was asked Yes or No

I say NO.

Changes

Out of something old; comes something new
A fresh start; a chance to renew
A feeling of sadness; crying and fear
A chance to start through the years

Once it was thrill and happiness to be near
A sigh on the lips so dear
Soon an aching of distant gone
Perhaps something making one forlorn

A drifting apart; no fault of ones own
One moved forward; while one grown
A distance became a gulf; feeling lost
An iciness that turns to frost

But then something happens; a whisper still
That starts to break through their will
And one realises that there is a chance
To capture that one lost glance

So today; we start anew
Hoping that sad times will be few
Change is finally here
Happiness and family in the air

So I thank you from the bottom of my heart
For being there when others arent.
Thank you for loving me; care too
From your wife; I love you

For my husband; thank you for the ring
and wishing to accompanying me on my journey.
13 Sept 2006

(((((big hugs and kisses))))))

Whitedove

Lost and Alone

lost and alone
in a world of hate and harm
why why did this happen;
where is my calm

will it go
no, i cannot change time
i cannot go back
and reinact the crime

i hate being attached
i hate my emotions; to and fro
being tied to nothing
and the trival thoughts that come and go

i want to be happy
to see the rainbows again
to understand the suns rays
and to be me with a grin

but it is clouded
full of hate and fear
feeling the emptiness of nearness
holding every thing dear

when will this feeling go
what to do
a sorrow deep within
a feeling of sorrow and low

so if you feel this way
join me to
in this loneliness
at the bottom of you.

Happy Birthday Whitedovesnest

28th August marks the 1st birthday of whitedovesnest.com!!!

In this time there have been many contributions to the site of poetry and art work, stories and general comments. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and inspirations with others.

To date, there have been nearly 10,000 unique visitors to this site. Generally, there are between 40-70 visits per day, dependant on the day. I AM CLEARLY NOT ALONE with endeavouring to heal from childhood sexual abuse.

Since first going online on this day, 1 year ago, I have added the survivor art gallery, changed the look of the site, added even more things to look at, added a search and links. I have also gone on to create two more websites. It has been a busy year.

I wish to thank the many visitors and contributors who make this site what it is. It takes a lot of courage to stand up and turn around and face your past. Congratulations on visiting, and taking that stand.

Happy Birthday!!!

(((((hugs)))))))
Whitedove.

Five Years

I see the television
It is not right
Are they speaking to me
With all their might

Why is this happening
I must be insane
I will just ignore it
It will not happen again

Within me is messages
I am sad I cannot talk
I hear them all calling me
I am sick as I walk

I see a sign
I feel a rush
And still I sit in silence
Keeping hush

And then, I sit
And eat my meal
And then my life
Becomes surreal

I am god
The messages say to me
It seems so real
Can't it let me be

The dogs they call
The swimming pool too
The angels they weep
It all seems unglued

I fall in and out
Of this state I am in
I cannot believe in me
Is this for a sin?

I remember so much
Of this time then
It is hard to remember
I look at the tv again

And now years on
What would I do
If the tv responded
Again like anew.

I would surely freak
And get help fast
Because I know
This terror will not last

So to others out there
That understand this rhyme
You can survive to
All it needs is time.

The Courage to Heal Workbook

I read The Courage to Heal book many years ago and learnt that I am not alone. It has many stories and a lot of information.

I am about to embark on The Courage to Heal Workbook and waiting for it to be delivered. I am nervous and apprehensive about this, having read a few of the questions and topics it discusses. I hope it to be ok and to give me back a bit of my normal life once again. I will post topics that I find of interest. I am doing this workbook with another survivor, as suggested on the booklist on my main www.whitedovesnest.com site.

Thanks for the comments on the blog, they are much appreciated. I hope you continue to like my poems and comments.

Memories

I saw it two days ago
A slight image
A slight pain
I see the scare; I cannot name

It started slowly
I saw it there
I did not know what to do
I could not care

It jumped out at me
I wanted it so
I begged for years
For it to let me know

How could I tell
That there was more
More to this living hell
My heart; it tore

Now since then
I have received more
There are three extra images
I am keeping score

What is coming next?
I cannot go
I can handle it
This I know.



More memories.

Empty

Lost alone and so far away
I feel empty; another feeling today
The loss within me; will the pain go?
I could of gone; I just did not know

An emptiness; a longing; a mindless soul
A single pity; within a deep dark hole
I reach out; Is someone there?
Does this even matter; do I even care?

The crying comes; will this shortly go?
I feel at a loss; does anyone know?
The tears fall; a silent gloss trail
Will I feel normal; or will I fail

I sigh so heavily; the burden is there
Without my strength that I proudly wear
The loss is deep I can feel it still
Tapping my shoulder; against my will

The emptiness fades; the dawn comes again
I feel the suns rays; forgiving when
I am glad the emptiness; is not always here
And it is a smile; I can now wear.



Sadness ; thank goodness it goes away. Putting on a happy song may help

Healing through Creativity 2006

After much planning, Healing through Creativity 2006 started today. I volunteered in Sept 2005, to create with others, the website at www.healingthroughcreativity.org to promote the event on the web.

It has been a fantastic journey for myself and others. Though I live in another country, it has certainly turned my life upside down in ways I would never had guessed when it first started.

I have contributed to the event, an artwork "You Can" describing my story from a child of 10 and a half (see main site under Survivor Art Gallery). It has given me much pause in my life, to discover that over a period of 22 years (what the art work covers) , I have managed to move forward from a place that I thought would forever be forgotten. I wish to send a big thank you for all the people in my life that have aided me.

I have also donated poetry - "Touched", "Angels Garden" and "Little Girl Gone" for display along with other artists/performers/helpers who have contributed to the event.

I wish to send a big thank you to all that organised the event and put in many hours of behind the scenes work.

I wish also to personally thank the event organiser, George and family for much needed inspiration & help.

(((hugs)))

White Dove

Way up high
Where the sunlight sings
Flies a white dove;
Taking flight to the wings

The white dove soars
As she finds a cloud
She flies through it
Ever so proud

She loses a feather
It floats down still
It falls at the feet
Of a little girl; broken will

The girl looks up
And sees the white dove soar
She does not understand
She does but ignore

She takes the feather
Eyes covered in tears
Eyes being haunted
Eyes filled with fears

She tucks in the feather
Hiding it quickly away
It is hers forever
It is here today

For within this feather
Lies a promise of the dove
That forever and today
The girl has found internal love


For all the young girls who have been affected traumatically by childhood sexual abuse, here is my feather to you. May it give you continued inspiration to speak out and not remain quiet.

(((((hugs)))))

whitedove

Anniversary

Today marks the 1st Anniversary of losing my family due to sexual abuse. I had to separate for my own well being and sanity. A year today I held my ground and said no to continuing silence.

What has changed for me in this year:-

1. Completed this healing website & another - approx 100 people a day are helped
2. My story in a book
2. Written my story in different formats (see main site)
3. Seeked help
4. Stopping the silence/blame
5. Found a friend or two.

((((hugs))))))

Today

I am empty
I feel no pain
I feel no hardship
I cannot name

A year has passed
I don't know what to do
A year has passed
Without seeing you

Unsure what has happened
To be this way
I did nothing
For it to end up today

I thought I would be sad
For losing you;
I thought that you would
Understand what this has done too

But now a year on
Am I filled with regret
No I just feel empty
I just want to forget

Marking the Boundaries

Here is the mark
We will not cross
We will not falter
I will feel at a loss

It is a line
That is drawn in the sand
Forever vigilant
Forever manned

A line that is written
Marked there still
For many years
The tide does spill

A beach sand mark
Not to be weathered away
By sand, by tide
By night or by day

It has been crossed
By others before
But today I say
No forever more.

((((hugs)))))

A poem about marking your boundaries

Survivors often have problems with boundaries, and I wanted to write a poem about this aspect of healing.

My bucket

A bucket worth of feelings
Lies on the tiled floor
And in this bucket I place
My fears, my anxieties and more

The bucket is my salvation
I look at it when I can
I see it standing there beside me
It is my greatest fan

And what would happen if one day
The bucket were to rust
Then how could I know
With whom my feelings I could trust

And if the bucket had a hole
Would it leak; would it overflow?
In this I do not understand
In this I do not know

And what if the bucket
Were to be seen by someone new
Would they know what I was feeling
Would they know what I could do?

And so if you see my bucket
You will understand
That it is me that you're talking to
It is me that can be that grand

My Path

I see a path
In front of me
I place a rock
I look and see

The path does change
A little bit
The path does wander
I must admit

Another rock
I place there still
By the edge
I think; take my fill

I see two rocks
I place them down
Am I happy
Or will I frown

I stop;
The rocks are wrong
The path is broken
Breath not strong

I continue on
Placing more rocks still
I fill the path
Rocks make my will

The path overflows
I can do no more
Many rocks fill the path
I know not their score

The rocks weigh me down
I take some away
I wander back
The path does sway

I am right now
My rocks are there
I can see them
I know they care

So what do I do
Now the rocks are mine
You place rock
And say it will be fine

I see a path
In front of me
I place a rock
I look and see

Bedroom Door

A feeling of terror
Knocks upon the door
I hear its sound
It comes after me; some more

I look up
The door is open
The image there
It is unspoken

It is dark
The door is wide
I see him there
In his stride

Is it real
Is he there
It seems to me
I just can't care

He stands there
He does not enter
An apparition
Scaring at my centre

It makes me scream
Is it a ghost?
Is it real?
Thoughts scare the most

I do not know
What to think
What if its real?
The horror; I blink

I am left now
With this thought
Just what is this
In this I'm caught



Nightmares can sometimes seem so real. I am unsure if this image is true or not.

((((hugs))))
Whitedove

Photos

I am visiting areas in my past that are of concern to me. I have posted the first on the Survivor Art Gallery and called it "Tree"

I am currently reading "Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence - from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror " by Judith Lewis Herman, M.D.