I can't write this poem

I really can't write this poem
I have tried so many times
The white page here before me
Lay blank here with a poets crime

I try to say it this way
I begin to change the words
I rub them out constantly
My thoughts are becoming disturbed

I am trying to join the wording
I am beginning to get it right
It is making me feel wonderful
It is giving quite a fright

You see I write these poems
Here hidden, very quickly indeed
But there is just one sentence
That has sent me to my knees

I cannot say what is wanted
Even hidden with whats occurred
This poem; will never be understood
It will never be read or heard

So every time I write it
It is not the truth indeed
I cannot just get it out
Even writing at full speed

The poem here before me
That sentence that was taken back
Its making me quite angry
I wonder why it ran off track

So here within this poem
I will whisper it to you
Just so you can ask the meaning
Of whats making me feel so utterly blue

And when you finished reading
Please go back and read its words
For surely you will see
The horror that has occurred

Part 2

Did you go back and read the poem
It was hidden there quite indeed
I knew I would finally get it out
When I wrote it at full speed

The last poems were about tea parties
They were about snowfalls and mirrors too
There were about rooms and waterfalls
And whispers of flowers and words from you

I could not get it right
So I sat here and wrote away
For you see I dont know what to do
I did not know what to say

So here this poem has taken six months
Of toil and utter pain
Of crying and not understanding
Of silence for someone elses gain

I have screwed up all the pages
And thrown to the scrap paper bin
It would just not be right
A blank page, a poets greatest and biggest sin

It time spent in agony
Its a note of silent dread
A deep within dwell
That sticks there within your head

That sudden thought or meaning
That hidden image you want people to see
There written on the paper
Now out, instead of within me

So there after all this pain
That time and search day after day
Thank God I have FINALLY said it
And that is all I have to say

The Eternity Flower
A little boy, stands

And hands a little girl

A flower

Ever so gently

And whispers "It will be ok"

And the little girl

Stares at the flower

Its petals purple

It wont be ok

She whispers

My nightmares

Dwell in the flower

I will not take the flower

"It will be ok"

It is too scary

She replies

There are dreams

I just dont want to be there

Just don't want to see

She looks at the boy

"It will be ok"

There are just too many

To recall

I cannot touch the flower

I cannot see the time

"It will be ok"

And with this,

She reaches out

And with the tip

Of her finger

Touches its petals

A light feather touch

It blooms

With rainbows

A smile appears

Its the Eternity Flower

Today Nothing Works

A life full of Coco pops
And marbles that feel like rocks
That youngster time, my childhood slows
And today, it returns and glows

And what if I shared with you,
A lifetime of sorrow, you never knew
And what if I were to say out loud
Something that everyone deems not proud

And so I contemplate this today
I feel its rush, that horror way
And there it comes, that time again
And away I drift, lost back then

So even to contemplate this today
Sends me drifting far away
And to return, I see again
I am always alone, way back then

What is it like

I am wondering how I can convey
To you, the reader of this poem
Just what is it like
To live with a monster?

I know I cannot achieve it
I know you will never know
I could sit here for years
And still you would only scratch the surface

I could tell you of the eyes that I see
I could tell you of my nightmares
And I can tell you of my scarred soul
But you could never understand

I could tell you how many years
What frightened me, and when
How I had to hide, what I had to do
And where I went to, but in the long run, you would never know

I could tell you of the incidences I remember
And of the ones I dont
I could tell you of the nights I have sat in tears
And wished that it would just go away

It is just that there is no one out there
That can help this little child
Understand why her daddy did this
And why I must now cry.

Halo

I wonder if you can cope; I wonder if you can see
I wonder if you know; this horror, deep within me
The shear amount of stories, listening to what I have heard
The understanding and the care, that has severely occurred

I have heard everything, praying the story right
That yet another gives me; it all its glory and its fright
The images I can get, can see a day of a night clear
I wonder if they are crying, as they type throughout the years

So many I have seen, I have lost count of them too
To the point, where I am lost, I don't know what to do;
And here is the surrounding, the streets within my head
You drive down them daily, the horror handed over to you instead

Sometimes I have not bothered to return; for the person does not seem to care
What sort of person says these things; that I sat an hour to hear
And bringing back these memories, a word giving you pain
Reliving my childhood with you; sitting here again and again

And dont think you can escape, for I dont know what to do
Because I feel deeply lost, and so will you alone too
So when you're about to drive, and turn down that empty street
Remember I have been living with it; more years than you to keep

And I could not notice evil, I could not see it still
Because I was raised without peace; a child without will
And would a child know, clearly what to do
If she was driving alone, scared and with a monster too

And so I am sorry, for the story you are about to hear
I have shed a thousand tears, living with this constant fear
And I thank you for listening, again I needed much care
Because it has gotten to me, the memories are just not there.

Waiting

And you see it there, flash up on the screen
What are all these figures, just what do they mean
So many out of work, so many looking too
Surely you are lost, amid the struggle of workers too

And there you sit, as you stare at the screen
Just when is it my time, do you know what I mean
And how many applications, just keeping this list
Not understanding why, that job that you missed

And you see on the screen, yet another job gone
Hey, I applied for that one before, feeling so forlorn
Another rejection notice, another sorry, we will keep it on file
You just wondering now, is this really worthwhile?

But I will let you in on a secret, a little hidden store
I have a little backup plan, to keep me on line and more
I have chosen a song, chosen that note
That will play in the background, will be turned up full bloat

And finally when I get there, when I receive that single call
And my work has paid off, self esteem to the wall
I will turn up the volume and play it real loud.
And I will know how difficult it was, feeling ever so proud

So to those reading, who know what I mean
Please chose your song, and play it full steam
And keep it in your mind, as you apply yet once more
That you’ll enjoy every moment, as that song plays full boar


Looking for work and relocation. It is hard at the moment with the economy. Hoping it fixes up soon.

Just how many tears

Just how many tears; do I have to cry
And just how many years; just have to pass me by
Just why did I not know; why did you not care
Why did you take my innocence; without me there

And where did I disappear to; and where do I go
Just what am I left doing; only never will know
The pain and the misery; the screams and the yells
Surely this is the beginning; lifes living in this hell

And why do I not know; love of a father dear
When so many others; know this through the years
When my nightmares are haunted; when I cannot write your name
I spent years dealing with it; causing myself such to blame

And what am I left with; this hole in my heart
I will never know the love of a father; torn in two parts
And when will this end; when will this pain disappear
And I cry again now; shedding these tears

This Palm Tree

Can I join you by this palm tree
Can I rest a little while
You see my childhoods got the best of me
And I did just have a little cry

Can you listen to me talk
And can you understand my fear
Can I just lean on your shoulder forever
Your breath so very near

And then when you finished listening
Can I cry a while in your arms
Can I just release this agony
And gaze up at the lazy palm

And then can you understand
I cannot tell you all
For the fear would just get the better of me
And the horror just make you fall

I am a little girl injured
Though you cannot see its me
I just lost my childhood forever
My soul is this palm tree

Deep Love

What happens when you are deeply in love?
Inspired by Fall in Kentucky

And there they stand, next to the gate
In full glory, only love not hate
Trees of yellow and one bright red
One so small; one gloriful; sun fed

And these trees so different, the colour to see
Can we compare these trees; to you and me
And there they stand, next to the road
The sky bright blue; the red leaves on overload

And the trees they cannot reach, rooted to the ground
A simple feather touch, when the breeze comes around
And they are so close, unable to feel
The warmth of their breath, or a kiss to seal.

The yellow one tall, the red one short
Protecting each other; when they are overwrought
And when the snow comes, and the leaves fall to the ground
The innocence is felt, bare all around.

And now they stand, near to the breeze
You see them there; standing at ease
And there they stay, an eternity in life
Protecting each other through trouble and strife.

The love of each other, sturdy and strong
Never faltering, never right or wrong
And as you walk past, their love is seen
That awe you feel, the love glory sunbeam

And we stand in the shade, forever is there
We see the trees; full sun bare
And we seal our kiss, forever apart
Because the trees cannot touch, forbidden love heart

Swan's Trust

The swan sits, and discovers the pain
Discovered her wings are clipped, once again
And she looks back, what did I do
To deserve the wings clipped; unknown to you

And once we were together, but alone again
Wondering whatever happened; thoughts to back then
And there the swan sits, next to the sea
Feeling alone and shocked - why be me?

And what do you do, when once you were free
Your wings clipped now; unable to be me
When you look at your feathers; and feel the disgust
The swan being there, but obviously no trust

And she looks at the sky, remembering how to fly
And she looks down again; borrowed frown bye and bye
She will not ascend; she will never be free
And a silent tear drops; its just alone with me

He does not love me

The little girl of ten; trapped and all alone
Wanders around the house; reaching for the silent phone
The tears they start to well; not knowing what to do
The thoughts; the scares; the horror; contact daily here with you

And the tears they do trickle; she reaches to make that call
The blackened dial it sits; calling out on its fall
And she picks it up today; she takes it to her room
Looking all around; she hides; from the blackened doom.

Slowly she draws the curtain; a red letter day it is for her
And she takes a silent breath; the horror again about to stir
And then she dials the care line; and whispers it to you
The horror and the nightmare; she trapped alone and frightened too

And there in her bedroom; a little whisper here and there
And all you want to do; is cry and whisper you do care
And as she sits and tells you; the horror that is happening to her
She is alone in this world; your emotions begin to stir

Listen to what he did to me; the years of horror and pain
The little girl she cries at you; "And its all happening again"
And the tears you can see them; on the phone that day
There is nothing you can do for her; the phone is where you stay

And then silently you hear it; she is calling out to you
That little girls alone she sits; crying; whispering too
And then you see the damage; the damage this man did cause
You waiting for it; there is a silent pause

And there she sits and cries; hiding in the darkened room
Alone with you on the telephone; she loses it too soon
And there is her ache; her darkened horror vex
Her soul is crying out to you; "HE DID NOT LOVE ME; ALL HE WANTED IS JUST SEX"

And here the little girl loses it, the crying becomes too much
And you cannot live with it; you cannot hug and touch
And so you silently pray; that the girl finds her peace soon
And there you sit silently listening; to that little girl in her room

The Mulberry Tree

A distant landscape, a little girl cries A soft tear drop, land of lullabies And here she ventures, black hair in light A cusped teddy bear, mulberry tree of might She ventures tiptoeing; down the lane A tunnel of forest, hurry back again Her backpack, sturdy yellow of gold The teddy bear her companion, tucked in her fold And silently she graces, trees whisper to her Tucked safe and sound, she touches his fur And as she nears, that mulberry tree in the field She walks up to it, a smile she does yield And there she sits, beside the tree, I cannot go back, because here is me And she sits, there by its side The darkness descends, sun showing its tide And what if love were the mulberry tree The little girl sits there, at its knee And recounts her story, silence forever gone She lets go of anger, lets go of scorn A moment of peace; a moment of distant grace A silent smile, comes to her face And she returns to life; mulberry tree left behind Her memory reminds her; love is a find. Written for and inspired by Haullie Free www.voicesofstrength.org - for the pictures of the tree. I ran away to an area trying to escape......but had to return to the abuse... this poem recounts this time

Hells Gate

A long winding alley, oranges trees of green
I see you standing there, know what I mean
And then you peer down, does a smile come too
I know it is the start, the abuse in you

I know I remembered, the shame returns soon
And the orange tree stands there, flowers in bloom
And did it fascinate you to see, a little girl shy
Do you remember it now, a while past us by

And we share that memory, can I take it away
Smash it into pieces, mirrors cutting for today
And when all was said and done, and you turned away
Did you know that the girl would remember, years from today

I hope that you live your life, for hells where you will be
There will be your redemption, for doing this to me
And I have lived souls death, over and over in my mind
And releasing it now, my thoughts in a bind

And so you see now, the little girl still writes
Still remembers silently, those long dark lonely nights
And may you remember me, as you fly to hells ground
And a smile rises up, for this is what you found.

True love

Brings a smile
It flutters forward
Like butterfly wings
Dancing in the sun

A bubble, floating
From the sway of my shoulders
As I dance to the music
That I hear internally

An internal hug
As I see the dawn of the day
A joyous happiness
Smiles raised upwards with tears in my eyes

A change in my thoughts
A smile of surprise
Anger above and beyond
Thrilled to be alive

A red sports car
Running on full tilt
I look in the mirror
And my smile, smiles back

My face lights up
I laugh and continue on
And my wish is that
You find true love too

Love inside of me

i cannot exist, i cannot be

without your love inside of me

and i whisper now, from that place inside

i call i wonder can i hide?

and did you hear me, when i called your name

i love you deeply, within a frame

and when you were silent, did i whisper that word

Did you hear me, did it go unheard

So when I call, from my heart

And you listen; we deeply part

You have never been loved before

Close your eyes, I can give much more

So now you know, its within my mind

This love together, is my bind

And here is my hand; to clasp in grace

My heart has found its rightful place

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0hdaKkJU9A

Short Poetry Film

A Time to Remember

I am not sure I can; read another word
Listen to the call; going unheard
And dream another thought; as I fear that call
And here I shrink; curling into a ball

The pain of those months; not knowing what to do
Not understanding the darkness; the thoughts of you
And that feeling of helplessness; praying to the lord
Oh let them be here; don’t take them onboard

And living those dark nights; feeling the fear
The sobbing and crying; I cannot be near
And the aching inside, what do I do
The thousand teardrops; just for you

What will I say; when I get the call
What do I do; will I let you fall
And as I dream; begging someone there
Just telling you over and over; I just do care

And the agony of waiting; making that call
The anger that rises; the anger that falls
And making of lists and repeating them too
Of why I want you here; the life is in you

Of sending you notes and making this speech
Of worrying to death; of making me reach
Those dark filled nights; jumped at the phone
If only I knew; I had guessed by the tone

And I knew just when; I knew I was late
I figured it out; just feeling that hate
The anger; uncontrollable; the scare at my door
The tumbling of agony; falling to the floor

And when someone comes to you; their life in your hand
It is hard to comprehend; it is hard to understand
The call that I made; can I continue on
Giving them advice; feeling so gone

And then later they say thank you; the pain I went through
Remembering back; the fright that I knew
Of not knowing; of feeling lost; so unaware
The darkness seeps within me; the feeling of care

And what keeps you going; what remains there that day
Of thinking back; being too and fray
That feeling of togetherness; the loss so unreal
Of not having you here; the loss I can feel

I see you there now; standing aloft
The time that is passed; crying so soft
I remember back then; the fear rises so fast
I hope this time of quiet; does but last

So I take a deep breath; the feeling has past
The scare that I knew; hoping you would last
And the growth that it gave me; I am different I know
A year has past now; we feel calmness and grow

August 11 2007 5.07am

Dragons

Do Dragons Breathe Fire?

And here it is; fire in its breath
The venom coming out; that sudden death
A pointy tail; that dimwitted sound
Sharp claws; hidden all around

One look; and it frightens away
It's fire breath; coming into prey
The curled tail; spikey thorns of hate
The fire it breaths; running you late

But yet today; lets just stand back
Its only a picture; your thoughts overlap
And what if it were nothing; would it go away
I think it would; suddenly as today

And so lets change it; lets turn it around
Lets find a picture; a cartoon frown
Its blowing smoke; its saying stupid words
It is nothing; its overturned

Wobbly eyes it has; no breath in its wings
The colour is dulled; it does not sing
A hair of mess; was that picture of hate
It was overwrought; and scaring me of late

So here in this poem; its taken to know
Now whats left; is a cartoon show
Its only an image; that dragon tail
I see it now; its lost and frail

For you see; the images are the same
Its only me; seeing its game
And side by side; the images are there
And I push it aside; without a care

Firey Dragon

Lets ask around; the village is bad
It is terrorised; the dragon mad
It walks in; the villagers run
And scurry around; lifes not fun

You dont know the dragon; the village is lost
The dragon breathes fire; at all cost
It is overwrought; making the villagers hate
Its tearing down houses; it is singing irate

The villagers stand around; what do we do
They talk of the monster; I talk too
They ask the village over; protected and fine
What did you do; they give you a line

So you wait and wonder; nothing is done
The village is nearly lost; roofs are undone
So you take your sword; not knowing what to do
And you stand up; pointy sword for two

And the villages they watch; stand back amazed
They could not do that; they look in a daze
But here is the village; you say with your heart
We have to protect it; just a start

And here the village learnt; you cannot hide away
Protect the village; we are here to stay
And here is our sword; our words filled with power
It is our time; finally our finest hour

Souls do Speak; What art does

And what did I learn; what did I see
Arts taken a year; inside of me
A false start; not knowing what to do
Within my heart; still thoughts for two

Arts made with anger, its made with fear
Its made with love; wishing so near
A heart is hidden; a thought is there
Its still not over; wishing I was there

The purple haze; background of white
A dash of black; lost my mind with fright
Hidden messages abound; within its walls
And here Art is; my tears being to fall

And look within; the pieces I chose
The last two sit here; within it knows
A five ringed circus; worry me late
Will you guess it; will you hate

And today; as I had a thought
Did it make me wonder; feel overwrought
I have basically figured; you feel the same
And here we both play; that hiding game

So as you look; within this heart
There is a message; filled with art
The last piece I did; begin to set
Can I ask; can I get?

So stand back; and be amazed
For within the art; messages ablaze
And as you see it; your eyes do seek
Within this piece; souls do speak

A love heart in my soul

And deep down where the wind blows
And silent raindrops fall and goes
Within my soul; I paint a scene
I draw so silently; what does it mean

And here where it is safe and warm
And above the clouds; swing and swarm
And the palms; safe inside
Is a place where; we can hide

The oceans beat, a smile so fine
I greet you here; that hidden line
And the sands grain; I feel so deep
And here we are; forever to keep

And now; and your eyes begin to close
And I see; a whisper; silently to your toes
And look around; you will see it there
A love heart in my soul; to care

The Wall of Silence

There is a stare; over that wall
The silence broken; life begins to fall
A memory here; a thought just right
I remember it now; such a fright

And the years of silence; the years to forget
The years of denial; living regret
A family that lives; a life with that pain
And they sit there in silence; forever refrain

And how do they look; over that Christmas dinner tonight
Knowing a father; gave them such fright
And they sit there in silence; not saying a word
They sit there; like it was never heard

And pass me a plate; your dinner tonight
And lets all forget; you grew up in fright
And here is the peas; and here is your word
Lets all forget it; go on undisturbed

And so it is forgotten; the pain too hard to bare
That sitting across from you; a monster so fair
Silently sitting; awaiting his next prey
And it is all forgotten; the wall of silence this day