Sunlight Rays

Goodness knows what I was doing
Goodness knows what I actually said
I just have no recollection
Of what was going through my head.

I had just decided to say one thing
Just something there quite safe
Just something that would not worry me
Something not to give me grief

And so I just said memories
And out it all just came
I just said it there just quietly
It just felt like a little game

A little girl lost
These memories in her head
All swirling around
Unable to think around them instead

And though I did not tell the memory
I just wanted you to know
That there was just a lot of them
Not just one or two, to show

And then I remembered who I was telling
And I asked if you were ok
It is awful to hear such violence
Told easily from a sway

And I have not felt the crash as yet,
I have been happy here for days
You were right a number of months back
Releasing this gives the sunlight rays.

Here is a Love Poem

Did your heart just skip a beat
Did I just make you angry
For you see, I need to feel like this
To face, what I do
This level of closeness
Feeling and warmth
Trigger such fear
I feel love
To listen to horror
And to know you are safe
To say what I say and
Hope that it is right
And to listen in
The way you just want
It all takes Love

To sit next to you
Hold you hand
Take care of my needs
Knowing what is to come
Not even perhaps knowing
Who you even are
You even scaring me at times
It all takes love
Trust and love
What have they done
For I do not know
I stand on the abyss of
Unknowing
Trusting you can tell me
In time and I can listen
That I care enough

May you love me in the same way
For I missed the simple love of a father
May you find it within you
To love me

Shining on us

Shining on us

In a silent little bay
I spy you
All alone
With a light shining on us

I smile as I whisper
On my breath
And my voice
Carries to you, softly

Can I just be here
And enjoy the light
Surrounded by this safety
Just for a while

And I see a sea shell
I bend over and pick it up
And it whispers the ocean
Saying your name from far away

And the playground is calling to me
But I stay, because you are all alone
And I calm down, and enjoy the scene
As the sun sets over the ocean

The light shines on us from above
And it slowly disappears
And the sun sets
And we walk arm and arm
Leaving our troubles to the wind

Nearly one year

For nearly one year
I have had this memory
I cannot discern it
I do not know what it is
I cannot figure it out
I cannot tell if it is true
I could be wrong
I know I was in the area
I can see it as I write this
And for nearly a year it has churned
Turned over in my mind
That can't be true, my face turns awful
And when I remembered it
I prayed I could take the pain
I prayed that I would not just end it
Was that me?
Then the logic came in
Could that have happened
No surely not
A father could not do that to a child
I was older
What is this memory
It must not be right
What if it is right
What is there to come?
It makes me sick at night
It turns over and over
I cry myself to sleep
And then try to forget
And then realise
That it could have happened
And all I can do, is hold on to someone close
And tell them not to tell.

But I Am Your Voice

I know you are probably crying
Alone, not knowing what to do
Having no one to turn to
And not understanding what is happening

Confused, lost, unknown and unseen
Curled away and forgotten
The darkness of the room
Alone, looking out the window with no hope in sight

Listening, praying but no God there
To help in the slightest way
A bang on the door
Or a glimmer of hope, to be stolen at any moment

Looking at his sick face daily
Seeing the disgust; being touched
Living with evil
A nightmare on every turn

I know you don't know me
And would not acknowledge me in the crowd
But I am your voice
Where you will be, once he is gone.

Be strong, tonight may be dark and the footsteps loud
But he can never destroy you
For I am here, waiting, your future self
Writing slow tales of the horror you endured.

Feel safe knowing I am here
Keeping you kind
Getting you help
And holding you as you cry




This poem has been a long time coming.

I will go back

A path with a rock
Eyes stare at night
A fence to the side
Horror, a new memory such delight

How could I have forgotten
This area again
And now I write this poem
To remember back then

Lets discover this memory
For I don't know what it be
I am thinking to stop
Because it is within me

Take a deep breath
I see the eyes
My memory haunts me
Its has its little spies

There is garden
I am a little girl
He is teaching me something
A little girl to unfurl

Covered by the road
Innocence all around
My memory is just lost
It is not going to be found

What is he doing
Is he even there
I know we have visited this space
Nobody was even there

My window in the back,
The hose to the side
Lets turn off the tap
The horror about to ride

Lets step off the ledge
And see what he has done
Because together
This freak has not won

Deep breath once more,
Lets return back then
Close our eyes silently
Lets begin to win again

Block out the noise
And see this place
What has he done
In utter disgrace

Here it is
I am seeing it now
My god that was frightening
That cannot be real, and how.

I must have made that up
That cannot be true
I am sorry to disturb you
I will go back to feeling blue



Memories are sometimes too traumatic to remember. It is easier to forget.

Everything is Easy, Nothing is Tough

A little girl, walks and sits down
She sees the computer, and sits with a frown
The fear rises still, what does she do?
She can't even turn it on, life feeling blue

She turns to the teacher, a girl like her
Who explains there's a switch, thoughts do concur
And she teachers her programming, she gives her a prize
And finally an honour award, little girl wide eyes

And so, this sparks an interest, the little girl bright
To understand daily with all her might
To take those courses, to sit there and understand
That perhaps; she too could teach computers handstands

And as she studies, she gets carried away
The little girl loves helpdesk, training and programming away
And as she learns; she dreams of yesterday
When she will get her first job, computers that way

For years she toils, learning fast
Hoping that one day the computers she will last
Nightly she sees; the reports by day
Her dreams are forever etched, caught in the sway

She finds her first job, after a search for a while
And then continues on, her life such a smile
She climbs up the ladder, she runs with a glow
She is paid quite well, others come to know

She does a project, one or two
She implements a website, used by me and you
And finally her thoughts turn so abroad
Surely a job overseas, is going to be scored?

For who would have imagined that years ago
A female computer teacher could start such a know
So we thank that teacher who became a mentor
She has helped many businesses, libraries and more

And now as you read this poem, you may not understand
Why it is included, in this job application in hand
For your see, I wanted to explain
That dreams are real and love is at hand

So remember tommorrow ; remember today
That regardless what you do; regardless what you say
If you have a dream, if you are inspired enough
Everything is easy and nothing is tough

Love Makes You Listen

You don't know how she got your number
You are sure it was time ago
That little girl in pigtails
Her arms folded, as you know

Her little freckles stand out
A little nose, under her eyes
The solid blue staring out at you
Startling diamonds in the sky

She calls you every now and then
As you drive, and as you go
She softly whispers to you
About her life of rainbows

She is in a world of wonder
Her bubbles full of delight
The music of harmony surrounds her
A melody of rhyming tonight

She loves her little chocolates
And watching her tv shows
Goodness knows you love her dearly
To listen to what you have to know

For this little 10 year old
Calls you every now and again
Just while you sit and do your work
Writing with your fountain pen

You rarely see her,
You don't know who she is of late
You have seen pictures
All you know is she lived with a monster hate

And there is a little silence
You don't know what is wrong
You just know something has happened
It is written in her song

And as you hear the tears
And as you remember her age
She starts this horror cry again
Her soul crying to you; a horror rage

"I've been raped" she screams at you
Over and over again
Her tears are lost in your soul
The crying of terror, from way back when

And as you listen softly
Her crying continues on
You just whisper a few short words
And the horror is just gone

The dial tone is finished
You cannot believe what you have heard
All you know is today
She is reliving memories of whats occurred

And what of the little girl
What happens to her now
She just relives the memories
And calls you once in a while

That little girl of 10
Whispers out to you
Listening to her today
You return to your work blue

Thank you to all the supporters who listen to these calls from children and adults, whether it be on telephones, counselling rooms, as a social worker or other professional or a person who cares.

Knock on the devils door

Stand up for what you believe in.


The devil took my soul
And planted it with delight
And covered it with sawdust
And labelled it with fright

With just a dash of horror
He spreads his pepper sauce
And then he booby traps it
Setting fire to it of course

And then he hides it away
The back of hell it belongs
It wanders round for centuries
Waiting for the very strong

And what if you want to recover
When the devil has your soul
Just what would you do
To get you out of this deep dark hole

For here is what I have done,
For here I share my tale
Of trying to get my soul back
Of keeping going, and not letting me fail

You walk up that solid pathway
And knock on the devils door
He will be quite surprised
For he has not had a visitor for such a score

He will try all his tricks
His denials and his lies of woe
He will bring all the brimstone
The fire of long beneath, heavens know

And others will gather around him
Tell of a devil indeed
Tender to his garden
Making you feel lost; very indeed

And he will ask you what he did
I did not do that - he will say
There is no way I could have done it
A soft and sickly voice; "go on your way!!!"

"This other person is not complaining"
The devil there says to you
And there his companions reach
And say hey "what is wrong with you?"

You are not still on that question??
His servants will scream loud
Until you are really confused
And lost in the nightmare created proud

And as the devil turns around
And thinks he has won his way
There is one thing he has forgotten
One thing he has missed here today

For while he was screaming and denying
Gathering companions there to reach
You had uncovered something
Sawdust and cobwebs, there to teach

And there as you see it,
As the devil turns away
It is there shiny and new,
Looking wonderful, brushed today

Your confidence, your self esteem
Your smile is here stay
For the devil has forgotten
You were only here to recover your soul, today

Merry go rounds in the sky

A little girl rides on the merry go round
In the sky above the restaurant
On the long narrow streets
Looking like Naples in the spring

The chairs standing outside
On a day made for kings
She steps up the ladder
And quietly takes a seat
On the older chairs outside

And the merry go round starts
With all but silence
The little girl hanging on
As the merry go round
Whizzes above the houses

And the chain breaks
But she does not have a care
She falls down gently
To your smiling face
And turns up to you and says

Can we stay on the merry go round
For eternity?I want to be safe always

And she knows by his smile
That she did not really need to ask
For the merry go round
Was life.

A bubble

A bubble
Floats
While the
Little girl
Inside cries

Outstretched
She is alone
Within the bubble
Shiny rainbow pattern

Glitter in the sunlight
The bubble pops
A new world
Lost in a circle

And quietly she walks forward
Seeing the world
Without the bubble
And tests it for a while

Dipping her feet in the water
Seeing the ducks and feathers
Experiencing the daylight
Seeing the moon

And then after this.
Alone she is
She turns around and
Feels within her chest

She retreats to her bubble
Floating
While the little girl
Inside cries



Explaining it as best I can

I can't write this poem

I really can't write this poem
I have tried so many times
The white page here before me
Lay blank here with a poets crime

I try to say it this way
I begin to change the words
I rub them out constantly
My thoughts are becoming disturbed

I am trying to join the wording
I am beginning to get it right
It is making me feel wonderful
It is giving quite a fright

You see I write these poems
Here hidden, very quickly indeed
But there is just one sentence
That has sent me to my knees

I cannot say what is wanted
Even hidden with whats occurred
This poem; will never be understood
It will never be read or heard

So every time I write it
It is not the truth indeed
I cannot just get it out
Even writing at full speed

The poem here before me
That sentence that was taken back
Its making me quite angry
I wonder why it ran off track

So here within this poem
I will whisper it to you
Just so you can ask the meaning
Of whats making me feel so utterly blue

And when you finished reading
Please go back and read its words
For surely you will see
The horror that has occurred

Part 2

Did you go back and read the poem
It was hidden there quite indeed
I knew I would finally get it out
When I wrote it at full speed

The last poems were about tea parties
They were about snowfalls and mirrors too
There were about rooms and waterfalls
And whispers of flowers and words from you

I could not get it right
So I sat here and wrote away
For you see I dont know what to do
I did not know what to say

So here this poem has taken six months
Of toil and utter pain
Of crying and not understanding
Of silence for someone elses gain

I have screwed up all the pages
And thrown to the scrap paper bin
It would just not be right
A blank page, a poets greatest and biggest sin

It time spent in agony
Its a note of silent dread
A deep within dwell
That sticks there within your head

That sudden thought or meaning
That hidden image you want people to see
There written on the paper
Now out, instead of within me

So there after all this pain
That time and search day after day
Thank God I have FINALLY said it
And that is all I have to say

The Eternity Flower
A little boy, stands

And hands a little girl

A flower

Ever so gently

And whispers "It will be ok"

And the little girl

Stares at the flower

Its petals purple

It wont be ok

She whispers

My nightmares

Dwell in the flower

I will not take the flower

"It will be ok"

It is too scary

She replies

There are dreams

I just dont want to be there

Just don't want to see

She looks at the boy

"It will be ok"

There are just too many

To recall

I cannot touch the flower

I cannot see the time

"It will be ok"

And with this,

She reaches out

And with the tip

Of her finger

Touches its petals

A light feather touch

It blooms

With rainbows

A smile appears

Its the Eternity Flower

Today Nothing Works

A life full of Coco pops
And marbles that feel like rocks
That youngster time, my childhood slows
And today, it returns and glows

And what if I shared with you,
A lifetime of sorrow, you never knew
And what if I were to say out loud
Something that everyone deems not proud

And so I contemplate this today
I feel its rush, that horror way
And there it comes, that time again
And away I drift, lost back then

So even to contemplate this today
Sends me drifting far away
And to return, I see again
I am always alone, way back then

What is it like

I am wondering how I can convey
To you, the reader of this poem
Just what is it like
To live with a monster?

I know I cannot achieve it
I know you will never know
I could sit here for years
And still you would only scratch the surface

I could tell you of the eyes that I see
I could tell you of my nightmares
And I can tell you of my scarred soul
But you could never understand

I could tell you how many years
What frightened me, and when
How I had to hide, what I had to do
And where I went to, but in the long run, you would never know

I could tell you of the incidences I remember
And of the ones I dont
I could tell you of the nights I have sat in tears
And wished that it would just go away

It is just that there is no one out there
That can help this little child
Understand why her daddy did this
And why I must now cry.

Halo

I wonder if you can cope; I wonder if you can see
I wonder if you know; this horror, deep within me
The shear amount of stories, listening to what I have heard
The understanding and the care, that has severely occurred

I have heard everything, praying the story right
That yet another gives me; it all its glory and its fright
The images I can get, can see a day of a night clear
I wonder if they are crying, as they type throughout the years

So many I have seen, I have lost count of them too
To the point, where I am lost, I don't know what to do;
And here is the surrounding, the streets within my head
You drive down them daily, the horror handed over to you instead

Sometimes I have not bothered to return; for the person does not seem to care
What sort of person says these things; that I sat an hour to hear
And bringing back these memories, a word giving you pain
Reliving my childhood with you; sitting here again and again

And dont think you can escape, for I dont know what to do
Because I feel deeply lost, and so will you alone too
So when you're about to drive, and turn down that empty street
Remember I have been living with it; more years than you to keep

And I could not notice evil, I could not see it still
Because I was raised without peace; a child without will
And would a child know, clearly what to do
If she was driving alone, scared and with a monster too

And so I am sorry, for the story you are about to hear
I have shed a thousand tears, living with this constant fear
And I thank you for listening, again I needed much care
Because it has gotten to me, the memories are just not there.

Waiting

And you see it there, flash up on the screen
What are all these figures, just what do they mean
So many out of work, so many looking too
Surely you are lost, amid the struggle of workers too

And there you sit, as you stare at the screen
Just when is it my time, do you know what I mean
And how many applications, just keeping this list
Not understanding why, that job that you missed

And you see on the screen, yet another job gone
Hey, I applied for that one before, feeling so forlorn
Another rejection notice, another sorry, we will keep it on file
You just wondering now, is this really worthwhile?

But I will let you in on a secret, a little hidden store
I have a little backup plan, to keep me on line and more
I have chosen a song, chosen that note
That will play in the background, will be turned up full bloat

And finally when I get there, when I receive that single call
And my work has paid off, self esteem to the wall
I will turn up the volume and play it real loud.
And I will know how difficult it was, feeling ever so proud

So to those reading, who know what I mean
Please chose your song, and play it full steam
And keep it in your mind, as you apply yet once more
That you’ll enjoy every moment, as that song plays full boar


Looking for work and relocation. It is hard at the moment with the economy. Hoping it fixes up soon.

Just how many tears

Just how many tears; do I have to cry
And just how many years; just have to pass me by
Just why did I not know; why did you not care
Why did you take my innocence; without me there

And where did I disappear to; and where do I go
Just what am I left doing; only never will know
The pain and the misery; the screams and the yells
Surely this is the beginning; lifes living in this hell

And why do I not know; love of a father dear
When so many others; know this through the years
When my nightmares are haunted; when I cannot write your name
I spent years dealing with it; causing myself such to blame

And what am I left with; this hole in my heart
I will never know the love of a father; torn in two parts
And when will this end; when will this pain disappear
And I cry again now; shedding these tears