The Eternity Flower
A little boy, stands

And hands a little girl

A flower

Ever so gently

And whispers "It will be ok"

And the little girl

Stares at the flower

Its petals purple

It wont be ok

She whispers

My nightmares

Dwell in the flower

I will not take the flower

"It will be ok"

It is too scary

She replies

There are dreams

I just dont want to be there

Just don't want to see

She looks at the boy

"It will be ok"

There are just too many

To recall

I cannot touch the flower

I cannot see the time

"It will be ok"

And with this,

She reaches out

And with the tip

Of her finger

Touches its petals

A light feather touch

It blooms

With rainbows

A smile appears

Its the Eternity Flower

Today Nothing Works

A life full of Coco pops
And marbles that feel like rocks
That youngster time, my childhood slows
And today, it returns and glows

And what if I shared with you,
A lifetime of sorrow, you never knew
And what if I were to say out loud
Something that everyone deems not proud

And so I contemplate this today
I feel its rush, that horror way
And there it comes, that time again
And away I drift, lost back then

So even to contemplate this today
Sends me drifting far away
And to return, I see again
I am always alone, way back then

What is it like

I am wondering how I can convey
To you, the reader of this poem
Just what is it like
To live with a monster?

I know I cannot achieve it
I know you will never know
I could sit here for years
And still you would only scratch the surface

I could tell you of the eyes that I see
I could tell you of my nightmares
And I can tell you of my scarred soul
But you could never understand

I could tell you how many years
What frightened me, and when
How I had to hide, what I had to do
And where I went to, but in the long run, you would never know

I could tell you of the incidences I remember
And of the ones I dont
I could tell you of the nights I have sat in tears
And wished that it would just go away

It is just that there is no one out there
That can help this little child
Understand why her daddy did this
And why I must now cry.

Halo

I wonder if you can cope; I wonder if you can see
I wonder if you know; this horror, deep within me
The shear amount of stories, listening to what I have heard
The understanding and the care, that has severely occurred

I have heard everything, praying the story right
That yet another gives me; it all its glory and its fright
The images I can get, can see a day of a night clear
I wonder if they are crying, as they type throughout the years

So many I have seen, I have lost count of them too
To the point, where I am lost, I don't know what to do;
And here is the surrounding, the streets within my head
You drive down them daily, the horror handed over to you instead

Sometimes I have not bothered to return; for the person does not seem to care
What sort of person says these things; that I sat an hour to hear
And bringing back these memories, a word giving you pain
Reliving my childhood with you; sitting here again and again

And dont think you can escape, for I dont know what to do
Because I feel deeply lost, and so will you alone too
So when you're about to drive, and turn down that empty street
Remember I have been living with it; more years than you to keep

And I could not notice evil, I could not see it still
Because I was raised without peace; a child without will
And would a child know, clearly what to do
If she was driving alone, scared and with a monster too

And so I am sorry, for the story you are about to hear
I have shed a thousand tears, living with this constant fear
And I thank you for listening, again I needed much care
Because it has gotten to me, the memories are just not there.

Waiting

And you see it there, flash up on the screen
What are all these figures, just what do they mean
So many out of work, so many looking too
Surely you are lost, amid the struggle of workers too

And there you sit, as you stare at the screen
Just when is it my time, do you know what I mean
And how many applications, just keeping this list
Not understanding why, that job that you missed

And you see on the screen, yet another job gone
Hey, I applied for that one before, feeling so forlorn
Another rejection notice, another sorry, we will keep it on file
You just wondering now, is this really worthwhile?

But I will let you in on a secret, a little hidden store
I have a little backup plan, to keep me on line and more
I have chosen a song, chosen that note
That will play in the background, will be turned up full bloat

And finally when I get there, when I receive that single call
And my work has paid off, self esteem to the wall
I will turn up the volume and play it real loud.
And I will know how difficult it was, feeling ever so proud

So to those reading, who know what I mean
Please chose your song, and play it full steam
And keep it in your mind, as you apply yet once more
That you’ll enjoy every moment, as that song plays full boar


Looking for work and relocation. It is hard at the moment with the economy. Hoping it fixes up soon.

Just how many tears

Just how many tears; do I have to cry
And just how many years; just have to pass me by
Just why did I not know; why did you not care
Why did you take my innocence; without me there

And where did I disappear to; and where do I go
Just what am I left doing; only never will know
The pain and the misery; the screams and the yells
Surely this is the beginning; lifes living in this hell

And why do I not know; love of a father dear
When so many others; know this through the years
When my nightmares are haunted; when I cannot write your name
I spent years dealing with it; causing myself such to blame

And what am I left with; this hole in my heart
I will never know the love of a father; torn in two parts
And when will this end; when will this pain disappear
And I cry again now; shedding these tears

This Palm Tree

Can I join you by this palm tree
Can I rest a little while
You see my childhoods got the best of me
And I did just have a little cry

Can you listen to me talk
And can you understand my fear
Can I just lean on your shoulder forever
Your breath so very near

And then when you finished listening
Can I cry a while in your arms
Can I just release this agony
And gaze up at the lazy palm

And then can you understand
I cannot tell you all
For the fear would just get the better of me
And the horror just make you fall

I am a little girl injured
Though you cannot see its me
I just lost my childhood forever
My soul is this palm tree

Deep Love

What happens when you are deeply in love?
Inspired by Fall in Kentucky

And there they stand, next to the gate
In full glory, only love not hate
Trees of yellow and one bright red
One so small; one gloriful; sun fed

And these trees so different, the colour to see
Can we compare these trees; to you and me
And there they stand, next to the road
The sky bright blue; the red leaves on overload

And the trees they cannot reach, rooted to the ground
A simple feather touch, when the breeze comes around
And they are so close, unable to feel
The warmth of their breath, or a kiss to seal.

The yellow one tall, the red one short
Protecting each other; when they are overwrought
And when the snow comes, and the leaves fall to the ground
The innocence is felt, bare all around.

And now they stand, near to the breeze
You see them there; standing at ease
And there they stay, an eternity in life
Protecting each other through trouble and strife.

The love of each other, sturdy and strong
Never faltering, never right or wrong
And as you walk past, their love is seen
That awe you feel, the love glory sunbeam

And we stand in the shade, forever is there
We see the trees; full sun bare
And we seal our kiss, forever apart
Because the trees cannot touch, forbidden love heart

Swan's Trust

The swan sits, and discovers the pain
Discovered her wings are clipped, once again
And she looks back, what did I do
To deserve the wings clipped; unknown to you

And once we were together, but alone again
Wondering whatever happened; thoughts to back then
And there the swan sits, next to the sea
Feeling alone and shocked - why be me?

And what do you do, when once you were free
Your wings clipped now; unable to be me
When you look at your feathers; and feel the disgust
The swan being there, but obviously no trust

And she looks at the sky, remembering how to fly
And she looks down again; borrowed frown bye and bye
She will not ascend; she will never be free
And a silent tear drops; its just alone with me

He does not love me

The little girl of ten; trapped and all alone
Wanders around the house; reaching for the silent phone
The tears they start to well; not knowing what to do
The thoughts; the scares; the horror; contact daily here with you

And the tears they do trickle; she reaches to make that call
The blackened dial it sits; calling out on its fall
And she picks it up today; she takes it to her room
Looking all around; she hides; from the blackened doom.

Slowly she draws the curtain; a red letter day it is for her
And she takes a silent breath; the horror again about to stir
And then she dials the care line; and whispers it to you
The horror and the nightmare; she trapped alone and frightened too

And there in her bedroom; a little whisper here and there
And all you want to do; is cry and whisper you do care
And as she sits and tells you; the horror that is happening to her
She is alone in this world; your emotions begin to stir

Listen to what he did to me; the years of horror and pain
The little girl she cries at you; "And its all happening again"
And the tears you can see them; on the phone that day
There is nothing you can do for her; the phone is where you stay

And then silently you hear it; she is calling out to you
That little girls alone she sits; crying; whispering too
And then you see the damage; the damage this man did cause
You waiting for it; there is a silent pause

And there she sits and cries; hiding in the darkened room
Alone with you on the telephone; she loses it too soon
And there is her ache; her darkened horror vex
Her soul is crying out to you; "HE DID NOT LOVE ME; ALL HE WANTED IS JUST SEX"

And here the little girl loses it, the crying becomes too much
And you cannot live with it; you cannot hug and touch
And so you silently pray; that the girl finds her peace soon
And there you sit silently listening; to that little girl in her room

The Mulberry Tree

A distant landscape, a little girl cries A soft tear drop, land of lullabies And here she ventures, black hair in light A cusped teddy bear, mulberry tree of might She ventures tiptoeing; down the lane A tunnel of forest, hurry back again Her backpack, sturdy yellow of gold The teddy bear her companion, tucked in her fold And silently she graces, trees whisper to her Tucked safe and sound, she touches his fur And as she nears, that mulberry tree in the field She walks up to it, a smile she does yield And there she sits, beside the tree, I cannot go back, because here is me And she sits, there by its side The darkness descends, sun showing its tide And what if love were the mulberry tree The little girl sits there, at its knee And recounts her story, silence forever gone She lets go of anger, lets go of scorn A moment of peace; a moment of distant grace A silent smile, comes to her face And she returns to life; mulberry tree left behind Her memory reminds her; love is a find. Written for and inspired by Haullie Free www.voicesofstrength.org - for the pictures of the tree. I ran away to an area trying to escape......but had to return to the abuse... this poem recounts this time

Hells Gate

A long winding alley, oranges trees of green
I see you standing there, know what I mean
And then you peer down, does a smile come too
I know it is the start, the abuse in you

I know I remembered, the shame returns soon
And the orange tree stands there, flowers in bloom
And did it fascinate you to see, a little girl shy
Do you remember it now, a while past us by

And we share that memory, can I take it away
Smash it into pieces, mirrors cutting for today
And when all was said and done, and you turned away
Did you know that the girl would remember, years from today

I hope that you live your life, for hells where you will be
There will be your redemption, for doing this to me
And I have lived souls death, over and over in my mind
And releasing it now, my thoughts in a bind

And so you see now, the little girl still writes
Still remembers silently, those long dark lonely nights
And may you remember me, as you fly to hells ground
And a smile rises up, for this is what you found.

True love

Brings a smile
It flutters forward
Like butterfly wings
Dancing in the sun

A bubble, floating
From the sway of my shoulders
As I dance to the music
That I hear internally

An internal hug
As I see the dawn of the day
A joyous happiness
Smiles raised upwards with tears in my eyes

A change in my thoughts
A smile of surprise
Anger above and beyond
Thrilled to be alive

A red sports car
Running on full tilt
I look in the mirror
And my smile, smiles back

My face lights up
I laugh and continue on
And my wish is that
You find true love too

Love inside of me

i cannot exist, i cannot be

without your love inside of me

and i whisper now, from that place inside

i call i wonder can i hide?

and did you hear me, when i called your name

i love you deeply, within a frame

and when you were silent, did i whisper that word

Did you hear me, did it go unheard

So when I call, from my heart

And you listen; we deeply part

You have never been loved before

Close your eyes, I can give much more

So now you know, its within my mind

This love together, is my bind

And here is my hand; to clasp in grace

My heart has found its rightful place

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0hdaKkJU9A

Short Poetry Film

A Time to Remember

I am not sure I can; read another word
Listen to the call; going unheard
And dream another thought; as I fear that call
And here I shrink; curling into a ball

The pain of those months; not knowing what to do
Not understanding the darkness; the thoughts of you
And that feeling of helplessness; praying to the lord
Oh let them be here; don’t take them onboard

And living those dark nights; feeling the fear
The sobbing and crying; I cannot be near
And the aching inside, what do I do
The thousand teardrops; just for you

What will I say; when I get the call
What do I do; will I let you fall
And as I dream; begging someone there
Just telling you over and over; I just do care

And the agony of waiting; making that call
The anger that rises; the anger that falls
And making of lists and repeating them too
Of why I want you here; the life is in you

Of sending you notes and making this speech
Of worrying to death; of making me reach
Those dark filled nights; jumped at the phone
If only I knew; I had guessed by the tone

And I knew just when; I knew I was late
I figured it out; just feeling that hate
The anger; uncontrollable; the scare at my door
The tumbling of agony; falling to the floor

And when someone comes to you; their life in your hand
It is hard to comprehend; it is hard to understand
The call that I made; can I continue on
Giving them advice; feeling so gone

And then later they say thank you; the pain I went through
Remembering back; the fright that I knew
Of not knowing; of feeling lost; so unaware
The darkness seeps within me; the feeling of care

And what keeps you going; what remains there that day
Of thinking back; being too and fray
That feeling of togetherness; the loss so unreal
Of not having you here; the loss I can feel

I see you there now; standing aloft
The time that is passed; crying so soft
I remember back then; the fear rises so fast
I hope this time of quiet; does but last

So I take a deep breath; the feeling has past
The scare that I knew; hoping you would last
And the growth that it gave me; I am different I know
A year has past now; we feel calmness and grow

August 11 2007 5.07am

Dragons

Do Dragons Breathe Fire?

And here it is; fire in its breath
The venom coming out; that sudden death
A pointy tail; that dimwitted sound
Sharp claws; hidden all around

One look; and it frightens away
It's fire breath; coming into prey
The curled tail; spikey thorns of hate
The fire it breaths; running you late

But yet today; lets just stand back
Its only a picture; your thoughts overlap
And what if it were nothing; would it go away
I think it would; suddenly as today

And so lets change it; lets turn it around
Lets find a picture; a cartoon frown
Its blowing smoke; its saying stupid words
It is nothing; its overturned

Wobbly eyes it has; no breath in its wings
The colour is dulled; it does not sing
A hair of mess; was that picture of hate
It was overwrought; and scaring me of late

So here in this poem; its taken to know
Now whats left; is a cartoon show
Its only an image; that dragon tail
I see it now; its lost and frail

For you see; the images are the same
Its only me; seeing its game
And side by side; the images are there
And I push it aside; without a care

Firey Dragon

Lets ask around; the village is bad
It is terrorised; the dragon mad
It walks in; the villagers run
And scurry around; lifes not fun

You dont know the dragon; the village is lost
The dragon breathes fire; at all cost
It is overwrought; making the villagers hate
Its tearing down houses; it is singing irate

The villagers stand around; what do we do
They talk of the monster; I talk too
They ask the village over; protected and fine
What did you do; they give you a line

So you wait and wonder; nothing is done
The village is nearly lost; roofs are undone
So you take your sword; not knowing what to do
And you stand up; pointy sword for two

And the villages they watch; stand back amazed
They could not do that; they look in a daze
But here is the village; you say with your heart
We have to protect it; just a start

And here the village learnt; you cannot hide away
Protect the village; we are here to stay
And here is our sword; our words filled with power
It is our time; finally our finest hour

Souls do Speak; What art does

And what did I learn; what did I see
Arts taken a year; inside of me
A false start; not knowing what to do
Within my heart; still thoughts for two

Arts made with anger, its made with fear
Its made with love; wishing so near
A heart is hidden; a thought is there
Its still not over; wishing I was there

The purple haze; background of white
A dash of black; lost my mind with fright
Hidden messages abound; within its walls
And here Art is; my tears being to fall

And look within; the pieces I chose
The last two sit here; within it knows
A five ringed circus; worry me late
Will you guess it; will you hate

And today; as I had a thought
Did it make me wonder; feel overwrought
I have basically figured; you feel the same
And here we both play; that hiding game

So as you look; within this heart
There is a message; filled with art
The last piece I did; begin to set
Can I ask; can I get?

So stand back; and be amazed
For within the art; messages ablaze
And as you see it; your eyes do seek
Within this piece; souls do speak

A love heart in my soul

And deep down where the wind blows
And silent raindrops fall and goes
Within my soul; I paint a scene
I draw so silently; what does it mean

And here where it is safe and warm
And above the clouds; swing and swarm
And the palms; safe inside
Is a place where; we can hide

The oceans beat, a smile so fine
I greet you here; that hidden line
And the sands grain; I feel so deep
And here we are; forever to keep

And now; and your eyes begin to close
And I see; a whisper; silently to your toes
And look around; you will see it there
A love heart in my soul; to care

The Wall of Silence

There is a stare; over that wall
The silence broken; life begins to fall
A memory here; a thought just right
I remember it now; such a fright

And the years of silence; the years to forget
The years of denial; living regret
A family that lives; a life with that pain
And they sit there in silence; forever refrain

And how do they look; over that Christmas dinner tonight
Knowing a father; gave them such fright
And they sit there in silence; not saying a word
They sit there; like it was never heard

And pass me a plate; your dinner tonight
And lets all forget; you grew up in fright
And here is the peas; and here is your word
Lets all forget it; go on undisturbed

And so it is forgotten; the pain too hard to bare
That sitting across from you; a monster so fair
Silently sitting; awaiting his next prey
And it is all forgotten; the wall of silence this day

Marked My Soul

I saw an image; a few moments a go
My soul was marked; forever I know
The humilation; the fear; the agony; the pain
I will never be able to tell; I refrain

It cannot pass my lips tonight
I will live forever, in this horror and fright
It will haunt me throughout my days
What he watched; I hid it; 30 yrs to craze

He looked, fences high; garrett to the gate
The anger the fear the rising hate
And when he should have yelled and screamed
What he saw, horror nightmare dreams

And so tonight, when you read this poem
Know my soul is marked; for it is unknown
Buried deep you see; I cannot deal with the pain
You cannot see it now; inside it will remain

Balloons

Corner of the room; that little white room
Stands a little girl; holding a balloon
She has a tear; she wears it well
She is silent; she cannot tell

Sssh, listen; her quiet cry
I cannot understand; I bend down and try
The tears they drip; and fall down well
I listen closely; I cannot tell

And in a whisper; I hold her palm
Trying to keep her; still and calm
She whispers silently; he made me cry
He violated me; he did but try

And then I knew; what I had to do
I pulled out my pocket; and said just for you
A bag of balloons; as I held them there
Here it is; showing you I care

And there she stood; silently in a daze
As surrounded by her; in a haze
A parade of balloons; all by her side
She no longer was silent; no longer had to hide.

Re-experiencing

Re-experiencing

What do I do
I am alone
He is in the hallway
I can hear his steps
Is that the door
It cant be
Oh no what do i do
Where can I go
There is the bed
I must hide
What will happen if he comes in
Where can i go
what am i doing here
Please dont let him find me
I cannot handle it if he finds me
Why do I have to live with this
What cruel god is there
I cannot see past my bed
Is that him coming in
Is that his footsteps
Please let them go the other way
I must be quiet
I must get under the bed better
I must be silent

After the Storm

And five minutes ago, what did i see
Did I see those images, locked within me
And can I remember; can I forget
Am I getting prepared; I cannot remember yet

And my thoughts are lost; my fright real
I spent another moment; I cannot feel
And years later now; the memories still there
Why did he just not leave me alone; did he not care?

And today; another time lost to this
Another day unsupported; something amiss
And now as I calm down; and remember this storm
I say to myself; tommorow is yet a new dawn


Some days I cannot live with this......

My last thought

Alone in that room, and moments before
I was happy and contented; I knew the score
And how did you know; what was that fear
When this horror visited me; life not so near

Living this life is so distant; watching near me
My eye of a child; life not to be
The feel of the carpet; an innocent time
Being prepared for secretly; his thoughts of a crime


A turn of a dice; the notice of the game
I cannot understand; I cannot name
And who I was gone; and who will be here
That breath so disgusting; smelling and so near

And years later I recall; questioned so still
My heart is open; my thoughts are my will
I remember back; trying to get my last word
My last thought being normal; being overheard

And in those seconds before; lost to this world
What did I remember; my thoughts so unfurled
For my last thoughts as a person; my distant memory be
I remember how I thought; he must have loved me

The memories they pass

And there she sat; distant and sad
A hunched person; the life she had
A tear drops; she covers it still
Sitting alone; memories fight her will

Years of pain; years of thought
Hurt her through; something so fraught
And alone she sits; surrounded by pain
The people they look; nothing to gain

The room so filled; talk is loud
Do they notice now; sitting in a crowd
That lady who sits; discovering her past
Is filled with horror; pain meant to last

And what would they do; hear her thought
Of agony; of crying; of pain; purely overwrought
Would they notice; the change on her face
The memories inflict her; mind about to brace

The years of panic; the years of thoughts
The years of planning; the years so taught
The years of hate; the years of hurt
The years of fear; the years of dirt

And then as you look; she drifts away
She continues on; no more thoughts today
That hour gone; now lost in the fray
The memories they pass; locked swiftly away

And hidden away; in many souls to keep
The burden of life; that runs so deep
A memory so lost; driven away
She is in a crowd; like many that day

Healing through Creativity Art and Healing Forum

Trauma survivors & supporters are welcome to share thoughts, creativity (art, writing & poetry, drawing, painting, sculpting, jewelry making, ...ect) and communication at the 'Healing Through Creativity' message board for survivors. Administrated by Haullie, Whitedove, Ginger & Vicky. Join today and feel the light within your inner soul shine and thrive. This forum is a wonderful opportunity for anyone who is creative to use their creativity as an outlet for healing and it's not just for survivors of violence, it's for survivors of any kind of trauma....sexual abuse, domestic violence, cancer, eating disorders, disease, grief and loss, disability...ect. So please feel free to join and heal with us.

The forum is located at www.healingthroughcreativity.org/forum

Grow

Four little girls, all in a row

Happy faces and thoughts aglow

Create a castle; in the sand

And listen slowly to the circus band

Let's make this castle; filled with surprise

As pretty as can be; the best sunrise

And when we are finished; we will stand back

And celebrate and be happy; a pat on the back

And so as they progress; a flower here and there

Molding the castle; so much care

And they build the moat; purple and blue

And a flag on top; a circle or two

And who would guess; the past they would reveal

Looking for love; looking to heal

And together; in that sandcastles glow

They pay tribute to their lives; and forever grow

The Mansion

Beyond our city; lies the Isle of Love
Standing abandoned; aside a raging sea
For many years; the waves pounded
Eroding; the island; in harmony

And its desolate shores; for years stood silent
Weeds grew on the land; for all to see
The neglect; was noticed by many
Until, one day; the Island Mansion was started

The island was cleared, the bulldozers roared
And from the desolation; arose a diamond
A rare jewel; slowly being built, from the ground up
Reaching to the clouds; in its glory

The foundations were laid; and brick by brick
The mansion grew forward; walls steady and strong
Artisans and craftsmen; the best in the land
Contributed to the building; a crown glory

And from the ashes; arose a glorious beginning
The mansion grew; golden staircases and towers
Curtains of lace and finery; gardens of green and flowers
And a lake for all the citizens to see over the waves

It stood; silently across the ocean; finished in completion
A silent boat shifted across
And then another, and another; carrying wares
Unknown to others.

And as the citizens watched, day by day and marvelled at the design
A darkness grew throughout the land; as a wall
Dark and ugly arose; from the ground; blocking the view
Of the Island Mansion; the beauty to be lost

And the silent boats returned; the wall built
And the mansion was lost to others; behind a fortress
Of unforgiving blandness and pale
Hiding the beauty beyond

Happy Birthday Whitedoves Nest!!

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday Whitedoves Nest
Happy Birthday to you

What a journey the past two years have been. Whitedoves Nest for me has been one of the most important projects I have done in my life. For myself personally, it has given me tremendous growth and given me many survivor friends and contacts. Many years ago I thought I was completely alone, and now I know I am not.

I know when I first created Whitedoves Nest that I was consumed with completing it. I had various designs and looks for the front page, and was satisified with the look that is now seen by visitors. I have updated templates and added much more since its inception in Aug 2005.

In the time since, I have become a published poet, overcome the loss of my family of origin due to the abuse that occurred in my childhood, I have appeared on radio promoting survivor projects that I am involved with and travelled to America from Australia. I have also helped many many people who visit the site looking for inspiration and asking questions. Poetry and submissions has been used from this site for sexual assault conferences and inspiration by many.

I have also in this time threatened my abuser (father) with police action due to unwanted contacts. I have also spoken to other family members and have been met with much violence and anger, over discussing abuse in my family.

I have been blessed in many ways. I wish to thank my husband, who has helped in a big way to setup Whitedoves Nest initally and I know visits on occassion. I would also like to thank two dear friends who help me personally move forward in my healing.

I would also like to thank the 60,000 + visitors over this time for their support and courage.


((((hugs)))))

Whitedove
http://www.whitedovesnest.com/

One good memory

A little house; along a street
A simple place; nice and neat
A wooden fence; go straight in
Holding hands; my daddys grin

Here chose an apple; the owner says
You can have it free; we smile for days
A simple time; with my dad
Of riding bikes; of feeling glad

Of horsey rides; and swimming too
Of movies that were meant for you
Of trust and laughter; of times so great
Of birthday parties; and turning eight

A solid tear sheds my eye
I remember this and wonder why
I can think of no more; as I pass ten
Because of that day; when I learnt about men

A darkened night; all alone
Watching tv; I could hear its drone
An enclosed room; an innocent child
I close my eyes; what I see as he smiled

The ride back; after the deed
I cannot remember; I cannot heed
But I know my lesson taught
My nerves become frayed; I am overwrought

To live each day; in his home
Planning how not to be alone
With this man who is my dad
Crying tears and shaking mad

To live a life; running away
Being an adult; all in one day
Thinking his hands; and his touch
Thoughts of mine; become too much

And so when you ask; a good memory there
Of loving thoughts; of a dad who cares
I think back on the apple scene
It only hurts; it makes me scream

Travelling

Looking so forward to our holiday in the United States. Not long to go now - and so looking forward to it!!!!.

We hope to get to as many tourist spots as possible. And what a 22 hour flight to endure!!!

It is going to be a wonderful and life changing journey to www.healingthroughcreativity.org.

Enjoy!

Whitedove

Tears of Thank You.

And what do you do; a thank from high
You know you have been blessed; numbers telling you why
And then you are told; again and again
Thank you from my soul; thank you back then

I walked passed the note; standing there
It all started back then; and where
I listened to a lady; she told me her past
I started to shake; it did last and last

I wondered; why are they saying this; how can they say?
That they were abused; sitting there calm way
It just lit up inside me; I was not alone
There are others out there; in front of me; a tone

And from that day; when I realised there was more
I strove forward; I did explore
It was hard; an immense task
It was horrible; but it does not last

Seeking for information; I did find
Many others out there; thoughts unwind
And now I know I am surrounded; many more
And I know there are many out there; not to ignore

So from that moment; that thought in my head
I need help; I need care instead
So I pass back; to the lady that cared
Who helped me help many; if I dared


((((hugs))) Thanks to my third therapist

Celebrating 50,000 visitors to Whitedoves Nest

Praying for the end

Hiding; running; scared of sight
Dealing with this night after night
A little girl; so small and true
Is given over to the horror of you

Lost and alone, she enters its lair
A home of peace; frightened to be there
It is a kitchen; in a normal home
And a father dominates from the throne

And in he comes, no one is there
The fright builds up; it is time to scare
To be alone; five seconds with him
You live a lifetime; in this sin

And everything whirls; what will he do
Is he to say anything; do that to?
And you freeze; rabbit in fright
Not again in his spotlight

And when he retreats; and you are safe again
How many hours till it happens; that sin
Will he follow you into this room
Stalking you; bringing you doom

And when you are supposed to be calm
Reading a book; your torn to harm
Is he coming into this place
Filling your head with such disgrace

And finally; where do you go?
Do you tell someone; tell someone you know
And when you do; they dismiss it with ease
Looking at you like you have a disease

And so your thoughts turn to the end
Hoping to get out of there; hoping to descend
Wishing to disappear; wishing it gone
From night to day; feeling torn

The horror pain; easy to forget
It is the remembering; such a threat
Years on; you remember the pain
And over and over you experience it again

Knife in my heart; recovering memories

The images;the pain
Agony and despair
Wishing I was anywhere
Anywhere but there

Stuck in these memories
When will the come
Seeing these new images
Nothing; not fun

It is past; it is gone
I cannot worry now
I am releasing the pain
Releasing and how

Wishing to get the memory
The pain and despair
Living on the road
A road to somewhere.

SCARY THOUGHTS AND IMAGES

12.16 3 May 2007

Memories of that Night

Memories of that Night.

I wish you could hear me; hear my pain
Thoughts of you return again and again
You are far away from me now
The guilt is felt; every day and how

I have thoughts of him at this time
Thoughts of him and his crime
Making me cry; to hard to bare
I am no longer sorry; I cannot care

I cry and cry to release it out
Shaking my head; wanting to shout
Why does it have to be this way
Why do I have to pay?

I huddled alone; feeling it go
It is awful; I just have to know
Why did this happen; what did I do?
A little girl; now has thoughts of you

And many of us out there have this thought
The care and comfort of others I sought
To show me; that they are not all the same
That they all do not play his game

I remember now; what you did
I remember how I just hid
I went away; and was not there
The song I went to; so I did not care

And then what did I do; after the crime
I turned around; and washed for a time
Then I shouted out loud at you
I just knew what I had to do

So if you look; I tell the world
Of what you did; little girl unfurled
But I cry a tear every night
As I sit and bare the horrible fright

The Road of Memories

I see the road, years have past
The road not used; memories fast
The road it hides beneath the bridge
Feeling the fear at it ridge

And as we turned the corner; at its end
The fear raised within me; not its friend
The horror that was to come; not again
Feeling afraid; breath at its end

And as I passed the stop lights
I felt the fear of that night
The road of safety; is at its past
The thoughts endure; and hold fast

I continued on; breath is held
Feeling in my heart; tradegy swelled
I hide, I linger and feel the fright
I try to dismiss thoughts of this night

I hear the bells; I see the scene
I see a tree; thoughts are green
I remember back; a moment in time
Where I had to hide; from this crime

I remain; again and again
Searching for a meaning of the end
I remain in this memory now
It repeats for years and years and how

A second or two in time
My heart it lurched; reaching its prime
And what to do; it remains with me still
I fight against it with all my will.

I cannot change what is in the past
It is with me; it does last
The thoughts are there, frightening away
I have endured them for another day

Trust

Can I now trust
After years of pain
That the person I love
Will not do it again?

How can it be
From a silent call
My life in turmoil
Feelings about to fall

How do I feel
Now that I know
Will they be staying
Or will they just go?

Only time will tell
If our friendship is fair
Full of understanding
And full of care

So I hope
I have a friend
Who understands
A bond that will not end

Skin Choice

There is now a new feature today at www.whitedovesnest.com. I have made available a "Skin Choice" to allow visitors to choose which look they want as they visit the site.

There are three choices - my particular favourite is "union". The inspiration behind each of the templates can be read at "About this site" or by clicking the following link

http://www.whitedovesnest.com//index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=126&Itemid=45

Enjoy!

And what would you do?

I walked forward; knowing the dread to come
The clouds were heavy; gone was the sun
I went from the store; my shoulders down
My thoughts awash; my face a frown

I walked towards the lot; over to the side
Wishing I was anywhere; wishing to hide
And as I reached the door; it was wrong
I knew I could not care; I knew the song

The face I see it; years in advance
I have just remembered; this awful glance
I had to sit in the car; next to a pedophile
Not caring; rest my thoughts for a while

I was a teenager; not knowing what to do
My thoughts; depression thinking of you
I had to travel; many a time
Waiting; hating; for the crime

I know; I forget it now
Too many times; I count and how
My memories don't match; there's no glue
Not knowing what happened; I have no clue

And so now, I sit and live this life
Knowing any moment; it's memory strife
Why did no one help me; when they could
Living with this pain; called my childhood

Everlast

It came from nowhere; a glimpse of pain
Nothing I saw; and everything to gain
The world went slow; my sight grew dim
I knew what was coming; a memory of him

And what to do; when I was in control
I had responsibilites; I could not fall
I gripped the steering wheel; and held fast
I knew the awful memory; would not last

It rose within me; I know it is there
My thoughts they tell me; not time to care
So on this day; as I was driving along
I knew this memory; cannot belong

So I chose to forget; the pain that is there
To say to myself; a road to nowhere
I shouted it down; and shook my head
Not today I said; filling me with dread

I drove on, through the roundabout
The memory it shook me; of that no doubt
I saw but nothing; but I felt its scare
I will forget today; too much to bare

So now days later; I continue on
Wondering when it will next come; feeling forlon
And will it be there again today
I just hope; it will go away

But I know it follows me with its grin
Of that I have no doubt; but I will win
For I know; it is in the past
It cannot get me; I will everlast

Take my hand

A green field
Filled with a distant sound
A black crow
Gathered all around

Through the valley
I hear a cry
It is you saying
You are standing by

With arms encircled
And thoughts a fresh
Wishing me joy
Wishing me happiness

Take my hand
And follow me through
I want to tell you
I am in love with you.

Written for my husband

Travelling

The tickets are about to be purchased for our trip to America.

We are looking so forward to attending and being part of the healing festival at www.healingthroughcreativity.org and also visiting many tourist spots on the American east coast. I look forward to the Kennedy Space Centre, New York, Graceland and much more. The kids are looking forward to Sea World!!!!!

The plane ride will be long (some estimates are 30 hours or longer!) and much will be gained by my whole family.

Can't wait - its only 5 and a half months to go!!!!! I already have my art submission ready and busily getting ideas for creative poetry.

A piece of paper

I see the lights
There up ahead
Feeling empty inside
Feeling self dread

I see the sign
Looking back and forth
I see a road
One south; one north

Where do I turn
When I am so alone
Where am I going
In my self torture zone

What am I doing
Where do I head
Would I be better off
Sick and feeling dread

Why is it so empty
Why is life at times so hard
Where do I fit in
Sick and feeling scarred

Why must I sometimes
Feel this way
Feeling lonely on
This lovely summer day

I look up ahead
I continue on
I have a piece of paper
To keep me from feeling gone

From far away
I hear a call
It is ok
I won't let you fall.

Blanket

A safe surround
The blanket lies
Aside the river
Broken all ties

No conditions and no thought
Just peace
And heaven
Feel like it ought

One day I will reach out
See the scene
Be there quietly
Change to green


Thanks to a friend

What next?

I took a look
A second past
I knew I saw it
I could not last


What was there
That scared me so
What was it
That I did not know

And just why did I
Not want to see
Why can it
Not let me be

And if I remember
What then do I do
I know something is there
Can it be true?

The Forgotten One

I hear a song
A voice from far away
Calling out
In the darkness

A tear drop falls
And finds its way
Landing at my feet
I look down, the tear a puddle

Where am I
What am I doing
Why am I here
What is this about

I ask others
I seek their understanding
I have no idea
Which path to take

A sadness fills me
I shed a thousand tears
And then I hear a calling
A little person whispering my name

Where am I
In all of this she says
Why not take care of me
I turn and listen, I hear my own voice.

The Painting

It sat upon the wall
Above a fireplace; showing fall
The picture was there for years
In the place of many tears

I cannot remember its detail
Pierce my heart; as a nail
It was but orange; I do remember
Thoughts like fire and burning embers

It was large; looking over the room
At the end; it did but loom
Watching over the scene
Of my memories; it does but lean

Is it a picture of a road?
Or perhaps a river; my thoughts slowed
It could be a chain link fence
A forest of trees; stark and dense

I saw it there as my childhood passed
A downward sorrow is but cast
It stood above me in the room
As my father created my tomb

What stories would this painting tell
It would see my living hell
It would know what happened to me
My thoughts hurt; please let me be

So what if the painting were to speak
What would it say; wisdom to seek
And if I cannot remember this scene
Just what does that really mean?

For six years; this painting saw
My thoughts meek; I do withdraw
From what happened in this place
My memories; they try to erase

Years have past; the painting still there
I remember; it brings back the scare
My memories amiss at the end
The painting knows; it can but mend

So what do I seek from this painting now
As my thoughts furrow my brow
Could it be that I cannot know
The horror too much for me to grow?

If I remember what the painting knows
My life is thrown; my thoughts close
I am frightened of this scene
Of what my memories can but mean

So I forget; the room for now
I continue on with life; thoughts disavow
I one day will remember the painting
Steady myself; my thoughts are waiting.

This is why I love you

Submitted by Black Crow

The light I see within your eyes
The sparkle I see in your smile
These are the things that are true
And this is why I love you

You are an inspiration
To all that need to feel
That someone out there cares
To help so they can heal

Your courage is exceptional
Your heart is full of love
And this is why I adore you
My beautiful white dove

What is a friend

A leaf does slip off a tree
And silently falls down
It glides backwards and forwards
And lands on the ground

The next leaf does fall
And ponders down as well
It silently gathers to the ground
Where all the others do dwell

And what if the leaves were sorrow
My tears falling still
Would you be there to catch them
Chasing all my will?

A friend will catch the leaf
And turn it all around
They will offer their advice
Turn a smile from a frown

They will see the leaf
And put out there hand
And grab it well before
The tears fall to land

So here is my hand to
Catch your fallen tears
Your sorrow and your heartache
A true friendship through the years

Poem

Whitedove is currently reading "The Wounded Heart" by Dr Dan Allender

A poem:

The night is dark
But I can see
All the things
You mean to me

Your gorgeous face
Your beautiful smile
Your love for me
Makes it worthwhile

The joy you bring
The happiness you give
Makes me realise
How to live

You are so strong
In all your pain
The courage you show
Keeps me sane

I love you dearly
My loving wife
You and the girls
Are my life

Celebrating 10,000 unique visitors

Wow - I am amazed.

10,000 unique visitors to www.whitedovesnest.com!

Hope you have enjoyed your visit and return shortly.

Thanks to all the continual contributions I receive throughout the year to make this site what it is.

((((hugs))))
Whitedove.

Love instead of Hate

What are the choices
That we make
It seemed so real
But it was all fake

A land of make believe
A land of making things real
Of taking hold of something
Of it being surreal

Seeing things there
Speaking out loud
Hearing everything
Nothing so proud

Listening to music
It had meaning too
Unsure what was happening
Unsure what to do

Did I want to die
Was that the aim
Did it all become too much
Was it a game?

How did I make the call
Messages sent from high
I was to receive
I let out a sigh

So what did I send back
What was so great
What was I supposed to do
Was I too late

So here is the message
I sent to the gate
I said NO, NO, NO
Love instead of hate.


Hopefully who ever wanted this message will read it.

I was asked Yes or No

I say NO.

Changes

Out of something old; comes something new
A fresh start; a chance to renew
A feeling of sadness; crying and fear
A chance to start through the years

Once it was thrill and happiness to be near
A sigh on the lips so dear
Soon an aching of distant gone
Perhaps something making one forlorn

A drifting apart; no fault of ones own
One moved forward; while one grown
A distance became a gulf; feeling lost
An iciness that turns to frost

But then something happens; a whisper still
That starts to break through their will
And one realises that there is a chance
To capture that one lost glance

So today; we start anew
Hoping that sad times will be few
Change is finally here
Happiness and family in the air

So I thank you from the bottom of my heart
For being there when others arent.
Thank you for loving me; care too
From your wife; I love you

For my husband; thank you for the ring
and wishing to accompanying me on my journey.
13 Sept 2006

(((((big hugs and kisses))))))

Whitedove

Lost and Alone

lost and alone
in a world of hate and harm
why why did this happen;
where is my calm

will it go
no, i cannot change time
i cannot go back
and reinact the crime

i hate being attached
i hate my emotions; to and fro
being tied to nothing
and the trival thoughts that come and go

i want to be happy
to see the rainbows again
to understand the suns rays
and to be me with a grin

but it is clouded
full of hate and fear
feeling the emptiness of nearness
holding every thing dear

when will this feeling go
what to do
a sorrow deep within
a feeling of sorrow and low

so if you feel this way
join me to
in this loneliness
at the bottom of you.

Happy Birthday Whitedovesnest

28th August marks the 1st birthday of whitedovesnest.com!!!

In this time there have been many contributions to the site of poetry and art work, stories and general comments. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and inspirations with others.

To date, there have been nearly 10,000 unique visitors to this site. Generally, there are between 40-70 visits per day, dependant on the day. I AM CLEARLY NOT ALONE with endeavouring to heal from childhood sexual abuse.

Since first going online on this day, 1 year ago, I have added the survivor art gallery, changed the look of the site, added even more things to look at, added a search and links. I have also gone on to create two more websites. It has been a busy year.

I wish to thank the many visitors and contributors who make this site what it is. It takes a lot of courage to stand up and turn around and face your past. Congratulations on visiting, and taking that stand.

Happy Birthday!!!

(((((hugs)))))))
Whitedove.

Five Years

I see the television
It is not right
Are they speaking to me
With all their might

Why is this happening
I must be insane
I will just ignore it
It will not happen again

Within me is messages
I am sad I cannot talk
I hear them all calling me
I am sick as I walk

I see a sign
I feel a rush
And still I sit in silence
Keeping hush

And then, I sit
And eat my meal
And then my life
Becomes surreal

I am god
The messages say to me
It seems so real
Can't it let me be

The dogs they call
The swimming pool too
The angels they weep
It all seems unglued

I fall in and out
Of this state I am in
I cannot believe in me
Is this for a sin?

I remember so much
Of this time then
It is hard to remember
I look at the tv again

And now years on
What would I do
If the tv responded
Again like anew.

I would surely freak
And get help fast
Because I know
This terror will not last

So to others out there
That understand this rhyme
You can survive to
All it needs is time.

The Courage to Heal Workbook

I read The Courage to Heal book many years ago and learnt that I am not alone. It has many stories and a lot of information.

I am about to embark on The Courage to Heal Workbook and waiting for it to be delivered. I am nervous and apprehensive about this, having read a few of the questions and topics it discusses. I hope it to be ok and to give me back a bit of my normal life once again. I will post topics that I find of interest. I am doing this workbook with another survivor, as suggested on the booklist on my main www.whitedovesnest.com site.

Thanks for the comments on the blog, they are much appreciated. I hope you continue to like my poems and comments.

Memories

I saw it two days ago
A slight image
A slight pain
I see the scare; I cannot name

It started slowly
I saw it there
I did not know what to do
I could not care

It jumped out at me
I wanted it so
I begged for years
For it to let me know

How could I tell
That there was more
More to this living hell
My heart; it tore

Now since then
I have received more
There are three extra images
I am keeping score

What is coming next?
I cannot go
I can handle it
This I know.



More memories.

Empty

Lost alone and so far away
I feel empty; another feeling today
The loss within me; will the pain go?
I could of gone; I just did not know

An emptiness; a longing; a mindless soul
A single pity; within a deep dark hole
I reach out; Is someone there?
Does this even matter; do I even care?

The crying comes; will this shortly go?
I feel at a loss; does anyone know?
The tears fall; a silent gloss trail
Will I feel normal; or will I fail

I sigh so heavily; the burden is there
Without my strength that I proudly wear
The loss is deep I can feel it still
Tapping my shoulder; against my will

The emptiness fades; the dawn comes again
I feel the suns rays; forgiving when
I am glad the emptiness; is not always here
And it is a smile; I can now wear.



Sadness ; thank goodness it goes away. Putting on a happy song may help

Healing through Creativity 2006

After much planning, Healing through Creativity 2006 started today. I volunteered in Sept 2005, to create with others, the website at www.healingthroughcreativity.org to promote the event on the web.

It has been a fantastic journey for myself and others. Though I live in another country, it has certainly turned my life upside down in ways I would never had guessed when it first started.

I have contributed to the event, an artwork "You Can" describing my story from a child of 10 and a half (see main site under Survivor Art Gallery). It has given me much pause in my life, to discover that over a period of 22 years (what the art work covers) , I have managed to move forward from a place that I thought would forever be forgotten. I wish to send a big thank you for all the people in my life that have aided me.

I have also donated poetry - "Touched", "Angels Garden" and "Little Girl Gone" for display along with other artists/performers/helpers who have contributed to the event.

I wish to send a big thank you to all that organised the event and put in many hours of behind the scenes work.

I wish also to personally thank the event organiser, George and family for much needed inspiration & help.

(((hugs)))

White Dove

Way up high
Where the sunlight sings
Flies a white dove;
Taking flight to the wings

The white dove soars
As she finds a cloud
She flies through it
Ever so proud

She loses a feather
It floats down still
It falls at the feet
Of a little girl; broken will

The girl looks up
And sees the white dove soar
She does not understand
She does but ignore

She takes the feather
Eyes covered in tears
Eyes being haunted
Eyes filled with fears

She tucks in the feather
Hiding it quickly away
It is hers forever
It is here today

For within this feather
Lies a promise of the dove
That forever and today
The girl has found internal love


For all the young girls who have been affected traumatically by childhood sexual abuse, here is my feather to you. May it give you continued inspiration to speak out and not remain quiet.

(((((hugs)))))

whitedove

Anniversary

Today marks the 1st Anniversary of losing my family due to sexual abuse. I had to separate for my own well being and sanity. A year today I held my ground and said no to continuing silence.

What has changed for me in this year:-

1. Completed this healing website & another - approx 100 people a day are helped
2. My story in a book
2. Written my story in different formats (see main site)
3. Seeked help
4. Stopping the silence/blame
5. Found a friend or two.

((((hugs))))))

Today

I am empty
I feel no pain
I feel no hardship
I cannot name

A year has passed
I don't know what to do
A year has passed
Without seeing you

Unsure what has happened
To be this way
I did nothing
For it to end up today

I thought I would be sad
For losing you;
I thought that you would
Understand what this has done too

But now a year on
Am I filled with regret
No I just feel empty
I just want to forget

Marking the Boundaries

Here is the mark
We will not cross
We will not falter
I will feel at a loss

It is a line
That is drawn in the sand
Forever vigilant
Forever manned

A line that is written
Marked there still
For many years
The tide does spill

A beach sand mark
Not to be weathered away
By sand, by tide
By night or by day

It has been crossed
By others before
But today I say
No forever more.

((((hugs)))))

A poem about marking your boundaries

Survivors often have problems with boundaries, and I wanted to write a poem about this aspect of healing.

My bucket

A bucket worth of feelings
Lies on the tiled floor
And in this bucket I place
My fears, my anxieties and more

The bucket is my salvation
I look at it when I can
I see it standing there beside me
It is my greatest fan

And what would happen if one day
The bucket were to rust
Then how could I know
With whom my feelings I could trust

And if the bucket had a hole
Would it leak; would it overflow?
In this I do not understand
In this I do not know

And what if the bucket
Were to be seen by someone new
Would they know what I was feeling
Would they know what I could do?

And so if you see my bucket
You will understand
That it is me that you're talking to
It is me that can be that grand

My Path

I see a path
In front of me
I place a rock
I look and see

The path does change
A little bit
The path does wander
I must admit

Another rock
I place there still
By the edge
I think; take my fill

I see two rocks
I place them down
Am I happy
Or will I frown

I stop;
The rocks are wrong
The path is broken
Breath not strong

I continue on
Placing more rocks still
I fill the path
Rocks make my will

The path overflows
I can do no more
Many rocks fill the path
I know not their score

The rocks weigh me down
I take some away
I wander back
The path does sway

I am right now
My rocks are there
I can see them
I know they care

So what do I do
Now the rocks are mine
You place rock
And say it will be fine

I see a path
In front of me
I place a rock
I look and see

Bedroom Door

A feeling of terror
Knocks upon the door
I hear its sound
It comes after me; some more

I look up
The door is open
The image there
It is unspoken

It is dark
The door is wide
I see him there
In his stride

Is it real
Is he there
It seems to me
I just can't care

He stands there
He does not enter
An apparition
Scaring at my centre

It makes me scream
Is it a ghost?
Is it real?
Thoughts scare the most

I do not know
What to think
What if its real?
The horror; I blink

I am left now
With this thought
Just what is this
In this I'm caught



Nightmares can sometimes seem so real. I am unsure if this image is true or not.

((((hugs))))
Whitedove

Photos

I am visiting areas in my past that are of concern to me. I have posted the first on the Survivor Art Gallery and called it "Tree"

I am currently reading "Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence - from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror " by Judith Lewis Herman, M.D.

Whisper

Whisper

There was a whisper in heaven
When we met those months ago
The whisper spread across the land
So that others could finally know

The whisper slowly drifted through
The distance and the years
It filled my loneliness in this world
It covered my fear and tears

A simple word, a timeless note
Waiting patiently for a reply
And all just so I would know
That you were there standing by

I do not know who to thank
When I heard the whisper cried
All I know is not to question
That you will be by my side

So today, after many years
I decide what I must do
To answer the call to the note
To listen whole heartenedly to you.


This celebrates 6 May 2006


Wrote this a while ago - and found it again today.

Hope you enjoy it. I did

I have also updated the templates on the main website at www.whitedovesnest.com, to a purple flower design. Hope it brings you inspiration.


Whitedove

Its arrived

After much time waiting, my artwork has arrived!!!.

I am thrilled with the final results, I did not know it would turn out as well as it did. I am glad I chose the interior decorator I did. It is very much readable and very bright.

Time to think about sending it now.

Finding a Friend

Finding a friend

What happens if you have been waiting for years
And the thing that you hope for; just appears
If you wonder why you were so blind
And it makes you just want to mountain climb

It is not winning the lotto, not finding lost gold
Not beating a marathon, its just being very bold
It called for courage and strength within
To trust a person you now call a friend

For this the tears do spill

A sat on the counch,
Next to the phone
Beneath the lights
Mum and me alone

It had taken a while
To find the courage beneath
To understand the turmoil
To become covered in grief

I kept the secret silent
I had held off for many years
The thought; the terror; the anguish
The nights; the horror; the fears

And so I decided on the day
To tell what lay so hidden
To let her know what I had to say
To tell her what was so forbidden

Mum, I said in my quietest voice
Dad is touching me all the time
She looked at me without a blink
A look that should have shown a crime

She turned to me and said
"Is there something you want me to do?"
And to this, I had no reply
So I just said "No"; quiet ensues

And then there was a silence
I heard it for many years
It filled my life with horror
I cried a life of tears

I had taken the courage to tell her
The silence is deafening still
For why did she not help me
For this the tears do spill.


May 2006


It took me years to recover and to seek therapy. My mother could have started this process earlier. I moved out not long after this incident. I do not know her reasonings behind her silence. For three of her daughters had been abused and still she was silent when her granddaughters visited......... I no longer visit. The unfortunate thing is that the months before this incident, we had grown closer, and I trusted her more.

Touched

My mind wanders back
Through the years and the tears
Taking the journey that
Was to be forgotten

The pain rises, and then falls
Like waterdrop crystals in the rain
The memories leap forward
And then die, tragedy to be erased

The night it happened, my soul died
A thousand times over and fear became
My constant and dwelling companion
Swiftly replacing the love that I felt inside

The curtains were closed and the
Darkness outside enveloped the sun
The television hammered a show
Watched a thousand times by others

I wore jeans, and a jumper I think
The memory fades as I journey through
Years of distance in my mind
Years of horror and of pain

I was so innocent, I did not know
The pain was to start the instant
My father said "Come and share the couch"
I loved him for an instant

And then the pain and the scare
The horror and the nightmares started
The hiding and the tradegy
The loss of my family

The loss of my friends, the crying
The hospitalisation, the therapy
The arguements, suicide,
Not eating and refusing to talk; confusion

My soul took a dive that day.
It hid beneath the pain and the misery
Shining like a beacon saying
I am here, when you want me

All I needed to do was listen
And to understand I was always there,
That is was the fear that held me at bay
That crumpled me into a thousand pieces


I was asked to think about the day it all started. I wrote this poem without rhyme to capture this time.

I am please at how it turned out, and glad to be writing.

Notes on this poem:

This poem is the first of 4 poems in a series I wrote within an hour. It is the first poem I wrote without a rhyme. It discusses the first time that I was sexually abused by my father. I was 10 and a half and innocently watching tv in my family homes lounge room.

My world, my life, my memories, my happiness and safety in this world changed from this one moment. I wished to capture this in a poem.

Touching this memory, brings back a lot of fear and anxiety. Writing this poem made me physically sick, however I have an easier time now (its about 2 months or so since I wrote it) remembering it without it scaring me internally so much. This is what this poem has done for me. You can see the rest of the poem on my website at www.whitedovesnest.com (there are two more parts to it). It will also be on display at Healing through Creativity during July 2006. www.healingthroughcreativity.org

Writing has come to a complete halt

My great start to my new book, has come to a complete halt. From such a good start, it now has changed direction.

I am rethinking what I am going to write about, discuss and create. I had a few more ideas yesterday, and will be gathering more information shortly. I have had luck in the past with just "going for it" and need to give myself a set time, within my other committments.

I will shortly be creating a downloadable form of the first chapter of my first novel, written a while back. It helped me out from a dark time in my life, and can be explained as a thriller. It has violent scenes, evil verses good with a tale to tell. It is a fictional story, however, a short period of my life has been reflected throughout the tale. It may give others an idea, just to give writing a go, it is a great place to start in recovery.

I changed the header on the site, to A Child at the Beach. I love the brightness of the site now and it is good to see the site, with the same information, but in a different format. I plan in the future to have a template chooser, so the visitor can choose the "skin" to view the site in.

A few more poems have been submitted from various visitors - hope you enjoy them. I have also highlighted on the front page one of my favourites which made me pause and think about things. It is I'm Sorry I don't Understand by Against All Odds. Have a read if you get a chance.

I have also published a new site, though unrelated to healing. On this new site I have experimented with a few additional features that the package I use to create the site offers and I hope to duplicate it at Whitedoves Nest.


((((((hugs))))))))
Whitedove

The Anger dwells from deep within
It hides beneath this fake grin
It boils high and boils low
&%*^ off cow you have to go

How dare you speak to me this way
Making me feel so small today
And I have to keep the anger in
Hiding behind this stupid grin

As it hots up deep inside
I wish I did not have to hide
I want to tell you how much you stink
I want you to know what I think

I want to be rid of your awful thoughts
Things that you say hurt; they ought
I am not your play with little toy
Does this give you so much joy?

I bang on the typewriter harder still
The Anger will not abate at will
It will go shortly this I know
As I formulate a plan to go

What will I say in response
Wanting to say "You hurt me with your nonchalance"
But instead it will be buried so deep
My eyes telling you, you are an awful creep

Getting quotes

Getting quotes for an artwork I will be displaying in Healing through Creativity. It was cheaper than I thought. I will have to redo some formating to allow for better printing. My previous thoughts ended up being too difficult to accomplish, but I will update it and put it on the website at a later time for viewing.

Why not enter your work, poem in www.healingthroughcreativity.org in July 2006. You can do it anonymously.

Whitedove

I am not like my mum

As I stare at the clock
Hearing it say tic, saying toc
I wonder when I will fall asleep
My mind silent, not a peep

I wonder why I felt happy today
Angry feelings kept at bay
Why do I feel happy; instead of glum
Is it because I am not like my mum?

One is "supposed" to idolise
Their model parent; so critised
What do you do if she did not care
If she did not worry, if she was not there?

If she let you understand; that father was good
He molested you; whenever he could?
And when you told her; putting fears aside
She said "What do you want?" and then let the topic hide?

So instead of helping; she chose to forget
She lived with this monster; mind set
And when you raised the topic; saying something
She yelled and screamed; "It was nothing!!"

When you tried to seek help; shortly after
From professionals; therapists; there was much laughter
And when you chose to run away
It was their parenting that held you at bay

And what do you say; when years pass
You confronted your father; yes at last!
When your mother stood and defended him
For his guilt and for his sin?

What do you say; when she tries to reconcile
With a Christmas card; that is so vile
Nothing mentioned; everything quiet
Only the veiled message; "Do not be defiant"

I will accept you; but only when
You say nothing about your fathers sin
We must be as quiet as a mouse
And not utter a word of evil in the house

What do you do; feeling completely alone
Look at the card; missing home
Realised that home was never there
A fairy tale; where nobody did care?

"It is OK"; it was in the past
As another grandchild; is offered up fast
Sisters living in complete denial
Like their mother, are ever so frail

So finally; I looked at the card
It caused me grief; ever so hard
I picked up the phone; wanting to be heard
And said "How do you live with him" you silly t*rd

For you see; it is many years on
When your kids judge you; they know a con
So maybe I am feeling in a happy way
Because I am not like my mum today

Wrote this one in the middle of the night. Inspired by an event that happened about 3 months ago.

Computer Problems

My home pc (where I update the site from) died a number of days ago so unfortunately updating the site has come to a complete halt while I reconstruct my PC and take the chance to upgrade it......

The comment section of this blog is not working either (must be the computer aliens again!!) which is a mystery, and turning it on causes errors. Hopefully Blogger support will come back with the answers to this problem.

My luck has changed for the better though. I started a new job this week, and it seems hopeful plus one of my poems "Little Girl Gone" and a short story "The Owl and the Eagle" will be published. It will be available in June on Amazon and bookstores in Canada. The book focuses on Eating Disorders, and will have a chapter on sexual abuse in relation to eating disorders. It will also feature the "Whitedoves Story" as seen on www.whitedovesnest.com.

With the new job, we will be able to move away from the area I live (close to the abuser) so this will give me a bit more peace of mind

I will post more information on the book, closer to the date of publication.

Whitedove (pulling her hair out at sooooo many computer problems!)

Just finished the introductory chapter of my memoirs

Finally, I have started. I have been putting it off for a number of years now and have written two other books in preparation for this one. I think with the others I was getting the "hang" of writing a novel length piece and placing a fictional background on it, to ease me into writing.

It sounded great. I am estatic! I am so glad I started. However, I know it is going to be a harrowing experience writing my story down. Hence the reason I have put it off for so long.

I started it at 3AM today. Just could not sleep and had a number of exciting ideas for it, and just started to write.

P.S. Fingers crossed, one of my poems is to be included in a book of poetry for eating disorders. No final go ahead but hopefully something will come of it.

((((hugs)))))
whitedove

The Teddy Bear Creed by Whitedove

The Teddy Bear Creed


There was a knock upon the door
The teacher turned around
A smile came to her bright face
Teddies, red, white and brown

Smiley, Ricky Racoon, Duck Rebecca
Walked in with Curly The Quick
Ithaca Bear, Blankie, Sophie
Teddy closing the door with a swift kick

They found their seats in the back
And turned to the board
There was a hush around the room
Their attention not ignored

Now listen closely teddy bears
This is something you all need
For todays lessons boys and girls
Is the Teddy Bear Creed

Molly looked towards the others
For she had not heard
Just what the teacher was talking about
It had never occurred

We teddies have one role in life
It is our overall rule
To listen; to hear; to understand
With the Creed as your tool

Your lifes work is of comfort
To listen to their woes
To understand their grief
And to be there to just know

Whether they be a child
Or an adult in despair
You must understand
Its emotions that we repair

And when they are all alone
And no one seems to care
It is you that will hold their hand
It is you that will be there

When you get quite ragged
And your eyes are falling out
Remember that they need you
Of that there is no doubt

Be there when they are upset
Or in a crying grief
Understand you tell no one
Our silence is their relief

The secrets that they tell you
Are yours to keep indeed
Remember what they say to you
It is want they really need

And when you are looked at
Remember this with pride
That you are the ones
For which their problems hide

So remember boys and girls
When you walk from this class
It is for the comfort
That is all that they ask

The class looked to and fro
For now they all agreed
That today and for tomorrow
They would follow the Teddy Bear Creed

A bit of fun

The maintenance on www.whitedovesnest.com has been finished!!.

Why not add a bit to a poem at http://bigpoem.blogspot.com/

Maintenance

I have been performing routine maintenace on my website at www.whitedovesnest.com and taking the opportunity to upgrade programs running behind the scenes to ensure the site keeps in tip top shape.

All should return to normal shortly.

(((((hugs))))

whitedove

Stories needed for Supreme Court Case

My response to a petition for The Stop Family Violence Activists Organization is looking for survivors willing to share their story to assist them in fighting the Supreme Court. Please see more information at their website. Bolded is the questions that were asked:


http://www.stopfamilyviolence.org/226 )


By an Anonymous Childhood Sexual Abuse survivor seeking to help in persuading a change to the legal system in the interest of protecting other children


background about the assault(s) that occurred

I was sexually abused by my father in my childhood home for a period of 6 years from the age of 10. Two of my sisters and a childhood friend also confirm they were abused in similar circumstances.

This has caused tremendous effects on myself, family and friends. My childhood was spent
· fearing my father would rape me, touch me or hit me
· hiding under beds and in other areas if I was alone with him
· witnessing domestic violence
· seeking help and not being given it
· protecting other siblings during the abuse
· contemplating suicide
· extremely low self esteem
· panic attacks and general fear of surroundings
· blaming myself for the abuse
· change in personality due to the abuse

In my adult years, the effects have been:

· At least 300 counselling sessions, with 5 different therapists
· Attending two group counselling sessions
· Hospitalisation due to the abuse
· Having to protect children in his presence including nieces
· Losing all my family due to the fact they are unwilling to deal with the situation
· Untold misery and hurt, depression and anxiety
· Relationship breakups
· Anger and denial of the problem
· Numerous family arguments, harassment and anger from family members
· Speaking to the police and retelling my story
· Total breakdown of a relationship with my twin sister, mother and other sisters.
· Witnessing family members being hospitalised due to abuse
· Fear of meeting the abuser in public, shopping centres etc
· Confronting the abuser
· Loss of work days, many sick days during recovery period
· Being unable to continue at one work place due to hospitalisation
· Need for medication at times
· Looking after family members before and after hospitalisation
· Attending therapy sessions with family members
· Wanting to move out of the area I reside due to close proximity to abuser
· Living with the fact that I will not get justice
· Living with the fact that he may do this again to other kids
· Living with the fact that he can now get a “police clearance” due to the fact that this has not been taken to court
· Total of 22 years of being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse

I see there is no justice at this present time for people in my situation without horrific retelling in the court system and facing the abuser and other supporters in court.

• information about the decision to file criminal charges.

Four weeks ago, I spoke to the police in my local area. I was advised by a counsellor at the local Referral Centre that I could file an anonymous letter to the police stating the abusers name and marking it on a police record.

I have not felt comfortable with formally pressing charges at this present time.

I have been advised there is enough evidence to go forward, but the police could not say what sort of sentence he would receive if any. My sisters are unwilling to deal with the situation and would not support any action.

I am currently seeking legal advice at my own expense as to the actions of the courts and whether I should proceed any further

I have been advised there is a 2 year waiting period for a court date and that I would have to testify in full. I am in the process of writing dates/details of the abuse, and this has caused severe emotional upheaval over this four week period.

I have reported him to the police, but as of this moment, have not formally pressed charges due to the fear I am feeling about the court system, penalties and the actual sentence (if any)

I have been advised by friends/associates of penalties that others have received and have not been able to comprehend the light sentences that they have received.

I am no willing to go further, for my abuser to get a short stay in jail, go through two years of heart ache waiting for the court date, put my sisters through absolute turmoil for a light sentence.

• information about your decision to testify in criminal court or not.

I have been advised of the adversarial nature of the courts, and that on the chance that he pleads guilty to the offence that I would not have to attend court. There is a chance he will, but once faced with police and court systems and jail time believe he may change his mind and plead not guilty.

I have yet to formally attend a written statement interview with the police, because of the uncertainty of the court system, uncertainty of how the police will respond and how my family members will respond – perhaps violently.

Specifically, what factors weighed in to your decision?

· Family members not supporting me
· The fact that he may abuse again
· The fact that he may go to jail for only a short period of time, if any time
· The formal court process
· The detail and witnesses I would need to produce
· Horrific court procedure and telling my story in front of the family
· Effects on other family members
· My perception on the lack of justice.
· My lack of detailed memory

Did you discuss your concerns with a victim advocate or prosecutor? How did they respond?

I have had a number of discussions with the police advocate over the phone. It has been a positive experience speaking to the advocate who has advised some of the legal processes, avenues and charges.

She has also advised of the evidence procedure, the interview procedure and advised of the nature of the prosecution itself, and the uncertainty of the verdict.

Talking to the advocate, though positive on her part, has made me think twice about proceeding. I am happy that I have reported him, and have a report number, however, he can still receive a police clearance and possibly harm other children.

I am believing at this time that the court process would be horrific and that I am not needing to spend the next two years in fear and turmoil, possibly putting relationships at risk and personal safety of myself and sisters.

I have been advised by the advocate, that should the abuser seek contact, that I can have a restraining order on him, however, I would have to do this in court again, possibly confronting the abuser to receive a restraining order on him and other family members. I do not believe that this would be a suitable arrangement in my case.

In the end, what did you decide to do about testifying and why?

I have not decided either way at this time. I am feeling that I may not proceed with the legal action, however, this may change in the future and for me there is no deadline or statue of limitations.

The uncertainty of the sentence, the fear, and facing the abuser in court, family reaction and possible confrontations with the abuser make me feel unsafe and uncertain. I am not willing at this time to go through the formal actions, enduring such hardship for the period for a light sentence.

What was the result of your decision in terms of the case moving forward? In terms of you or your family’s safety and well-being?

If I do not press charges and go forward with the formal interview, he still has the ability to work with children and still can carry on as normal. He can receive a police clearance at this given time. I feel a lot of responsibility in protecting others however, facing the turmoil uncertain of what to do.

I believe the well being of all family members involved and their families and children would be harmed through a formal court process. My safety and ability to function is also a consideration.

What was the result of the criminal proceeding?
A report to the police, filed on their computer system for future use.

Do you have any regrets about the decision you made?

I have not made a decision either way, though at this time, due to the nature of the court system, having to testify in horrific detail and facing the abuser in a court situation, with other family being at his side would cause serious harm to my own well being, and that of my relationships with my husband and family members.

At this time, I am not regretting ringing the police and placing a report. However, I feel at a loss, because justice I think in this case has not been served and he is still able to continue on possibly abusing others. This in itself is terrifying for me. Could the whole process not be made easier?

For others reading this story, there is help available.

Please visit http://www.aftersilence.org/ or http://www.brokenspirits.com/, online support groups for rape, sexual abuse, molestation and domestic violence and abuse.

Why not tell your story too??

Couple of Harrowing Weeks

After spending a couple of harrowing weeks deciding on what to do about reporting, I feel I am no closer to deciding either way. Though I have reported him formally, I am required to go in for a police interview. I have been given time to think about it, but in the mean time the report stays in the computer system for other police to see, should the need arise. Should he apply for a police clearance (to work with children) this report would have no bearing on its outcome and he would receive one automatically.

Though I am aware of the processes I have been put off by the amount of time it would take to go to court (police advised it would be 18 mths - 2yrs) and the effects it would have on myself and other family members. After the past couple of weeks, I am very aware that even the thought of reporting is beyond mention.

I am required at the police interview to give as much detail as possible, and have been advised to write down as much as I can remember - times, dates, details, what people have said and did, including what they said when I informed them of what had happened. People I have told in the past, and people that have helped me along the way. I have attempted to do this two times now, and have found it extremely triggering, to the point where I have had to stop to recover.

I have been in emotional turmoil for the past couple of weeks. My husband is supportive which ever way I decide, be it reporting or not.

On a good note, I have updated my main site at www.whitedovesnest.com with statistics and a new survivor art gallery. Hope you enjoy the new features.
Thanks for reading.

((((hugs))))))

whitedove

Thoughts on reporting

It is confronting
That I feel this way
What to do?
What to say?

Why am I scared?
Why just now?
Is it that I live in fear?
Instead of the here and now

Where am I going?
What can I see?
Why did this happen?
Why just me?

Where is the support?
Where do I belong?
Is it just that others
Sing this other song?

I have no idea
I cannot know
I want to know what to do
I want to know where to go

The feeling is overwhelming
The scare inside
I wish I could just walk away
Walk away and hide

Fear Struck Tonight

Memories of a sexually abused child; 20 yrs on

A small girl lay on her bed
Feeling fear; nothing said
A single teddy is her friend
Just when will it ever end

The single bed in the room
The light shines in from the moon
She looks out her bedroom door
Waiting for fear; horror more

The darkness is all around
She makes not a sound
She feels safe; the door is closed
Nobody but her really knows

She shuts the door out of fear
Her father is close and near
She hopes the door will keep him out
She can do nothing; she cannot shout

Every night she lives in pain
For tonight it may happen again
A noise makes her hyper alert
She crumples; forever hurt

Every night is the same
What does this all really mean
She looks out at the light
A sound gives another fright

She thinks that she is all alone
But she knows now; as she has grown
That there are many with this fear
Many hold this vision near

The memory is here again
Fear strikes; round the bend
Many years from her life
Living horror; living strife

She feels like she is in the room
Twenty years past; it is not soon
The memory is eternally there
But he lives on without a care.

((((((((hugs))))))))))

Bit of an awful night - decided to write a poem to express feelings.