A nice person?

Across the hardened surface
With lines that etch my face
And many a time played on them
And my story hidden with grace

I see you there coming
Unknown whom you are
Why do I feel a connection?
Trying desperately not to go far

And here is a simple question
Something that is of common place
They ask just a little detail
Drawing closer at their own pace

But what if my life imitates
Just what I grew up in
And this "nice person" again
Is a monster, with a hidden sin

Not again, that little girl cries
Fear again making her run
Silence just a golden moment
Stomach showing fear, sickness, no fun

So as you sit and look
You just hid your feelings within
Waiting for just the right moment
When maybe you can let that nice person in.



A subconsious comparison I always make - is this new person like him? The level of fear is HUGE. A new person today ask me to share something that would lead them to this site. I went silent....I am waiting for the right moment...just to see what they say.

Things I have gotten in the past:

Walking away
This is a confronting site
I could not read it
Amazing
People no longer speaking to me
Anger and frustration
Screams
Wonderful responses
Tears
People reading this site without my permission which devestated me
People adding their own story
Other assorted comments
"Im sorry"

I am always surprised at the responses. I have told many.

The book

This page is coloured white
For when my life began
And a rosy pink leather
Bound crisp and feathered end

And here on the ornate binding
A turn of a slight happy quill
I read and I write my life
The paper warps against my will

And here on this black page
A memory I dont want to see
And another sitting everywhere
All hidden inside of me

And if I dont remember
Do I just fold those pages away
Feel the thoughts and feelings
But dont remember on this given day

And the green pages are all happy
Because I had forgotten the black ones too
Just pretending they just did not happen
Forgetting what happened to you

And a leather bookmark stands here
Hidden directly in the spot
Of where my life and soul were taken
My life cut, and hidden in lots

And what if someone special
Were to seek out that book
And listen to the pages
Giving you such a hook

And slowly with their help
You turn the pages one by one
Discussing each memory slowly
The black ones, really not that much fun

So here in my book,
I let you see the pages for now
As you turn over the bindings
And furrow your hidden brow

And as we reach the end
It just starts up again
For I have forgotten thoughts
There is never any end

My little girl

Holding your small hand
Seeing your smile
And the laughter in your eyes
I see the love

Running through the fields
Catching butterflies
You are just amazing
A miracle of strength

My little girl
Blonde hair, blue eyes
Me, younger in disguise
Just amazing

Do you see me as your angel

Sometimes messages are cryptic


I waited for the reply
For you see it was a loaded question
He did not see the sky

And as the time slowly trickled past
I watched the words appear
I wonder if he would understand
It was a test I would hold dear

And there in a silent note
And there is a moment in time
I sat there waiting and wondering
It was not really a crime

I just wanted to know
Just curious and wanted to see
For I just wanted to know
His feelings towards me

So here I got a large reply
Not a simple yes or no
For a loaded question
Does not come and go

And the final sentence
Ended with the words of glow
You deserve more,
than a simple yes or no

Submitted this week to Whitedovesnest.com

Care

For ten long years
You endure just utter
Horror and nightmares
A living terror, every day stalking

Captured, by a monster
Trapped, lost and alone
Thoughts of please help me
Wander through your soul

And people say they will help
But you know that it is just
Empty words, a hollow boneless
Nightmare. Alone again

And given false hope
You turn, again hoping
That for some reason
Another will care

And you know deep down
They don't, and someone states
Quite separately what is occuring
And your world tumbles

Into an abyss, for the
Monster gets you again
One who abuses you
And the others who just don't care.

Why

I will never know
I will never understand
I could ask
But just hear some answer, that won't be true

Standing in front of you
Was just some more garbage
For there is no answer
To why

It is just a stage
Those forever ending stages
That really having no meaning
It is just placed on society

For who would talk
About the unspeakable
A young child
Surrounded by such terror

And horror
And the imaginings that you could not endure
And then one day she turns to you
All innocent in her thoughts and understandings

Hoping that she could at least trust someone
And for a while she thinks
Its all ok, and then realises, yesterday
That yes there is no answer to why.

A call backwards in time

You sit down
With your cup of tea
To the left
As you take the
Black phone
In your hand
And you dial the numbers

It rings
Bring Bring
She picks up, the phone looks different
She sits on the divan
Her legs quite not touching the floor
In front of her is the fridge and
All around is the kitchen, 1980's style

"Hello" she says
A silent tear falls down your face
"Hello"
"Hi" you say, you can hear your voices
Are just about the same, one high, one low

"Who are you" she asks
"I am someone who cares" you return
"For me?" she says
And I say Yes - especially for you

And you can hear the sigh of relief
On the other end of the phone
And you say
"I know what he is doing to you"
"I know what you have tried to do"
And your eyes are steadily getting fogged
Tears running and running

You can hear her crying on the other end of the phone
"Oh mummy, he does such bad things"
"But I protect my sister and yesterday, I made her
Pony tails in her hair. We played out side
It is not so bad after all"

And you know what horror she is enduring
And you know the pain she is going through
And that tonight or today, she must face
A rapist at every corner

But for just this phone call, you know she is safe,
Talking to you on the other line
And your hand starts to tremble
You can hear her thoughts

"Can you be my mummy? and take me away"
And you wish you could
But you know all you can do
Is say - good bye and "I love you"
And as you silently hang up the phone
A call backwards in time
To my own childhood.

A day....

Cry
For the phone is ringing
You pick it up
You hear the crying on the other end
She speaks of another
Who she thinks is badly hurting
She starts crying again
She mentions cutting
She is concerned about suicide
Cry
Something bad has happened
And you sit there listening to the person crying
Supporting them as they support another
Do you want to be there
Be prepared for what the tell you; you say
She speaks of the fright
Scare
She starts crying
You say call back any time
A day in the life of a suicide line volunteer

A Boy looking after Teddy Bears

In the middle of the forest
There is a boy
Looking after a teddy bear
There is not a sound

He is crouched
Wondering what to do
For the teddy bear
Has lost its leg

And tears fall down his face
Sewing the leg back on
The teddy bear now whole
He thinks; I must go to sewing school

And off to sewing school he goes
Learning, toiling, late nights
Hitting the books, tests, libraries
Meeting others who sew

Forever striving, to helping
Teddy bears in the moonlight
Taking its time,
Learning bit by bit, the cotton
The needle and the yarn

And finally on graduation
From the sewing school
He realises
It is time to sew again

In the middle of the forest
There is a boy
Looking after a teddy bear
There is not a sound




Sometimes a piece of paper means nothing. My first experience with work, I was dumbfounded at how much they don't actually teach you.

A shark tank

A shark tank.



A little girl
In the middle of the ocean
Hand raised in the air
Drowning, for she cannot swim
Sees a shark below
Circling
She gets bitten, her toe gone
She calls out, but no one there to help her
She cries, and cries, prays to God
Please, please help me, praying for a boat
Fear, fear, fear of the shark
Bellows through her mind.

A small boat, comes in the distance
A sail boat, with big white masks
And a hand grabs her, solidly
And lifts her into the boat

And she is bleeding, and crying and shaking
All because of the shark,
And the boat captain ignores her, and she continues bleeding
They sail to the docks and she bleeds

No one speaks to her, for sharks are taboo
No one likes sharks, lets not talk about it
And still she bleeds, her toe gone
But no one sees it, it is gone and forgotten, never talked about

It must be her fault, she decides. My toe is gone
I enticed the shark, the shark could find no one else to bite
So it was her fault. She did not get away fast enough
It is her fault. The teeth were big, it is my fault

She bleeds, her toe gone, scared, she sees shark pictures
In the shop, and ignores it.
Memories of the shark come to mind
She screams at the mirror, for it reminds her of the shark
And finally she folds. She is told, that in order to recover, she must

Visit a shark tank

Oh my GOD, she thinks, not a shark!
No one has much worried about the shark
Or spoken as yet, but not a tank! and she calls ahead, trying to get to goldfish
Goldfish would be easy to see, they wander around the tank, but they are not sharks
Sharks, bite my toe, but she cannot get away, she is folding, the shark is the only way

or so she is told

And she sits there, on the benches near the shark tank looking at the shark
And she starts to remember the shark.
Remembering the attack.
Remember how no one helped her. Lost and alone.
Even losing the connection to life itself
How she felt "different" because she was the shark's victim

Her stomach aches. She walks away for a while. But she can speak to no one

And the next time, she walks over to the tank, places her hand beside it
And the shark, glides by. Screaming, her toe starts bleeding and she
Runs away, because that shark is not getting her again
And she thinks of a machette next time, her thoughts invested in harming the shark

And the shark tank is taken away, and she is left stuck. Her toe bleeds

And she goes about her business. Remembering the shark tank.

It plays on her mind, day in and day out. She picks up the phone, and dials the circus, for where is the shark tank now?
And it is around, just another location and she travels, visiting again
Angered, for the shark disappeared, she wanders up to the shark, and screams at it
The shark glides by on the other side of the tank, saying nothing

Her heart lurches forward, and she has memories, and thoughts of her shark attack.
Her toe bleeds. She gets told, the shark will always get you.
And above the shark tanks reads the sharks name, but she cannot see it
And finally, a cricket bat appears from no where

And she sits there on the bench, with bat in hand, ready to attack, ready to break the shark out of the tank
Ready, to kill it wear it stands. Killing it, knowing she can do it. With that bat in hand she walks up
And takes a violent swing. And before, it hits the glass. She stops. The bat falls to the floor.

Her toe bleeds. She sits on the bench crying, a deep soulful cry. She is just not like that.

And she looks up, and from the clouds, a ray of sunshine appears, lighting up the sign, above the
Shark tank.

And glinting past the shark tank, at an angle, a red and white sign hangs. He is called Toothless.
And was no harm to anyone.

And her toe stopped bleeding.

23 March 2010

Avatar

Did you see it flutter

Did you see it fly

That little floating plant

Like a dandoline cry

And as it drifted

And landed all around

Did you see the next one

Touch the ground

And then another

And another still

Until it covers your body

All at will

The lovely plants

Attracted to your body's delight

Because they know

You are a messiah of might

And then in a whisper

I forget my pain

I notice the dandolines

Around you again

And I put down my anger

And I put down my rage

For together I know

We are on the same page

So come bond with me

Come and understand life

Surrounded by such loveliness

Forgetting our strife

Come fly with me

Come see the sights

I will show you everything

Including my life

Inspired by the movie.

Sweet Revenge

I saw the hospital in the distance
Parking the car behind
As the sun shone
Through the summer days

And I walked through the doors
The lifts on the right I rode
Them to the upper floors
As I had been summoned

This sickness of a man
Summoned me to his beside
And there he sat
Shrivelled, old man on his bed

And just before his dying day, and his last breath
Just before he was to meet his maker,
Whomever that may be,
I pushed aside the hospital curtain

Please forgive me he said
And I had flashbacks of my child hood
Extremeness of the inhumanity
The thoughts of how many children

That this peodophile had terrorised
Day in day out, they lived in fear
And I knew what I had to say
I knew that I could not lie

And from somewhere deep within me it started
And from somewhere it came
The howl of a soul, many souls injured
The screaming so that the hospital staff would hear

And it lasted about 20 mins
Until the nurses took me away
The drs would need to sedate him
And all the nursing staff knew

Know that he was forever not at peace
Know I knew he would reside
That hell would be his salvation
And I walked out of the hospital with pride

Sunlight Rays

Goodness knows what I was doing
Goodness knows what I actually said
I just have no recollection
Of what was going through my head.

I had just decided to say one thing
Just something there quite safe
Just something that would not worry me
Something not to give me grief

And so I just said memories
And out it all just came
I just said it there just quietly
It just felt like a little game

A little girl lost
These memories in her head
All swirling around
Unable to think around them instead

And though I did not tell the memory
I just wanted you to know
That there was just a lot of them
Not just one or two, to show

And then I remembered who I was telling
And I asked if you were ok
It is awful to hear such violence
Told easily from a sway

And I have not felt the crash as yet,
I have been happy here for days
You were right a number of months back
Releasing this gives the sunlight rays.

Here is a Love Poem

Did your heart just skip a beat
Did I just make you angry
For you see, I need to feel like this
To face, what I do
This level of closeness
Feeling and warmth
Trigger such fear
I feel love
To listen to horror
And to know you are safe
To say what I say and
Hope that it is right
And to listen in
The way you just want
It all takes Love

To sit next to you
Hold you hand
Take care of my needs
Knowing what is to come
Not even perhaps knowing
Who you even are
You even scaring me at times
It all takes love
Trust and love
What have they done
For I do not know
I stand on the abyss of
Unknowing
Trusting you can tell me
In time and I can listen
That I care enough

May you love me in the same way
For I missed the simple love of a father
May you find it within you
To love me

Shining on us

Shining on us

In a silent little bay
I spy you
All alone
With a light shining on us

I smile as I whisper
On my breath
And my voice
Carries to you, softly

Can I just be here
And enjoy the light
Surrounded by this safety
Just for a while

And I see a sea shell
I bend over and pick it up
And it whispers the ocean
Saying your name from far away

And the playground is calling to me
But I stay, because you are all alone
And I calm down, and enjoy the scene
As the sun sets over the ocean

The light shines on us from above
And it slowly disappears
And the sun sets
And we walk arm and arm
Leaving our troubles to the wind

Nearly one year

For nearly one year
I have had this memory
I cannot discern it
I do not know what it is
I cannot figure it out
I cannot tell if it is true
I could be wrong
I know I was in the area
I can see it as I write this
And for nearly a year it has churned
Turned over in my mind
That can't be true, my face turns awful
And when I remembered it
I prayed I could take the pain
I prayed that I would not just end it
Was that me?
Then the logic came in
Could that have happened
No surely not
A father could not do that to a child
I was older
What is this memory
It must not be right
What if it is right
What is there to come?
It makes me sick at night
It turns over and over
I cry myself to sleep
And then try to forget
And then realise
That it could have happened
And all I can do, is hold on to someone close
And tell them not to tell.

But I Am Your Voice

I know you are probably crying
Alone, not knowing what to do
Having no one to turn to
And not understanding what is happening

Confused, lost, unknown and unseen
Curled away and forgotten
The darkness of the room
Alone, looking out the window with no hope in sight

Listening, praying but no God there
To help in the slightest way
A bang on the door
Or a glimmer of hope, to be stolen at any moment

Looking at his sick face daily
Seeing the disgust; being touched
Living with evil
A nightmare on every turn

I know you don't know me
And would not acknowledge me in the crowd
But I am your voice
Where you will be, once he is gone.

Be strong, tonight may be dark and the footsteps loud
But he can never destroy you
For I am here, waiting, your future self
Writing slow tales of the horror you endured.

Feel safe knowing I am here
Keeping you kind
Getting you help
And holding you as you cry




This poem has been a long time coming.

I will go back

A path with a rock
Eyes stare at night
A fence to the side
Horror, a new memory such delight

How could I have forgotten
This area again
And now I write this poem
To remember back then

Lets discover this memory
For I don't know what it be
I am thinking to stop
Because it is within me

Take a deep breath
I see the eyes
My memory haunts me
Its has its little spies

There is garden
I am a little girl
He is teaching me something
A little girl to unfurl

Covered by the road
Innocence all around
My memory is just lost
It is not going to be found

What is he doing
Is he even there
I know we have visited this space
Nobody was even there

My window in the back,
The hose to the side
Lets turn off the tap
The horror about to ride

Lets step off the ledge
And see what he has done
Because together
This freak has not won

Deep breath once more,
Lets return back then
Close our eyes silently
Lets begin to win again

Block out the noise
And see this place
What has he done
In utter disgrace

Here it is
I am seeing it now
My god that was frightening
That cannot be real, and how.

I must have made that up
That cannot be true
I am sorry to disturb you
I will go back to feeling blue



Memories are sometimes too traumatic to remember. It is easier to forget.

Everything is Easy, Nothing is Tough

A little girl, walks and sits down
She sees the computer, and sits with a frown
The fear rises still, what does she do?
She can't even turn it on, life feeling blue

She turns to the teacher, a girl like her
Who explains there's a switch, thoughts do concur
And she teachers her programming, she gives her a prize
And finally an honour award, little girl wide eyes

And so, this sparks an interest, the little girl bright
To understand daily with all her might
To take those courses, to sit there and understand
That perhaps; she too could teach computers handstands

And as she studies, she gets carried away
The little girl loves helpdesk, training and programming away
And as she learns; she dreams of yesterday
When she will get her first job, computers that way

For years she toils, learning fast
Hoping that one day the computers she will last
Nightly she sees; the reports by day
Her dreams are forever etched, caught in the sway

She finds her first job, after a search for a while
And then continues on, her life such a smile
She climbs up the ladder, she runs with a glow
She is paid quite well, others come to know

She does a project, one or two
She implements a website, used by me and you
And finally her thoughts turn so abroad
Surely a job overseas, is going to be scored?

For who would have imagined that years ago
A female computer teacher could start such a know
So we thank that teacher who became a mentor
She has helped many businesses, libraries and more

And now as you read this poem, you may not understand
Why it is included, in this job application in hand
For your see, I wanted to explain
That dreams are real and love is at hand

So remember tommorrow ; remember today
That regardless what you do; regardless what you say
If you have a dream, if you are inspired enough
Everything is easy and nothing is tough

Love Makes You Listen

You don't know how she got your number
You are sure it was time ago
That little girl in pigtails
Her arms folded, as you know

Her little freckles stand out
A little nose, under her eyes
The solid blue staring out at you
Startling diamonds in the sky

She calls you every now and then
As you drive, and as you go
She softly whispers to you
About her life of rainbows

She is in a world of wonder
Her bubbles full of delight
The music of harmony surrounds her
A melody of rhyming tonight

She loves her little chocolates
And watching her tv shows
Goodness knows you love her dearly
To listen to what you have to know

For this little 10 year old
Calls you every now and again
Just while you sit and do your work
Writing with your fountain pen

You rarely see her,
You don't know who she is of late
You have seen pictures
All you know is she lived with a monster hate

And there is a little silence
You don't know what is wrong
You just know something has happened
It is written in her song

And as you hear the tears
And as you remember her age
She starts this horror cry again
Her soul crying to you; a horror rage

"I've been raped" she screams at you
Over and over again
Her tears are lost in your soul
The crying of terror, from way back when

And as you listen softly
Her crying continues on
You just whisper a few short words
And the horror is just gone

The dial tone is finished
You cannot believe what you have heard
All you know is today
She is reliving memories of whats occurred

And what of the little girl
What happens to her now
She just relives the memories
And calls you once in a while

That little girl of 10
Whispers out to you
Listening to her today
You return to your work blue

Thank you to all the supporters who listen to these calls from children and adults, whether it be on telephones, counselling rooms, as a social worker or other professional or a person who cares.

Knock on the devils door

Stand up for what you believe in.


The devil took my soul
And planted it with delight
And covered it with sawdust
And labelled it with fright

With just a dash of horror
He spreads his pepper sauce
And then he booby traps it
Setting fire to it of course

And then he hides it away
The back of hell it belongs
It wanders round for centuries
Waiting for the very strong

And what if you want to recover
When the devil has your soul
Just what would you do
To get you out of this deep dark hole

For here is what I have done,
For here I share my tale
Of trying to get my soul back
Of keeping going, and not letting me fail

You walk up that solid pathway
And knock on the devils door
He will be quite surprised
For he has not had a visitor for such a score

He will try all his tricks
His denials and his lies of woe
He will bring all the brimstone
The fire of long beneath, heavens know

And others will gather around him
Tell of a devil indeed
Tender to his garden
Making you feel lost; very indeed

And he will ask you what he did
I did not do that - he will say
There is no way I could have done it
A soft and sickly voice; "go on your way!!!"

"This other person is not complaining"
The devil there says to you
And there his companions reach
And say hey "what is wrong with you?"

You are not still on that question??
His servants will scream loud
Until you are really confused
And lost in the nightmare created proud

And as the devil turns around
And thinks he has won his way
There is one thing he has forgotten
One thing he has missed here today

For while he was screaming and denying
Gathering companions there to reach
You had uncovered something
Sawdust and cobwebs, there to teach

And there as you see it,
As the devil turns away
It is there shiny and new,
Looking wonderful, brushed today

Your confidence, your self esteem
Your smile is here stay
For the devil has forgotten
You were only here to recover your soul, today

Merry go rounds in the sky

A little girl rides on the merry go round
In the sky above the restaurant
On the long narrow streets
Looking like Naples in the spring

The chairs standing outside
On a day made for kings
She steps up the ladder
And quietly takes a seat
On the older chairs outside

And the merry go round starts
With all but silence
The little girl hanging on
As the merry go round
Whizzes above the houses

And the chain breaks
But she does not have a care
She falls down gently
To your smiling face
And turns up to you and says

Can we stay on the merry go round
For eternity?I want to be safe always

And she knows by his smile
That she did not really need to ask
For the merry go round
Was life.

A bubble

A bubble
Floats
While the
Little girl
Inside cries

Outstretched
She is alone
Within the bubble
Shiny rainbow pattern

Glitter in the sunlight
The bubble pops
A new world
Lost in a circle

And quietly she walks forward
Seeing the world
Without the bubble
And tests it for a while

Dipping her feet in the water
Seeing the ducks and feathers
Experiencing the daylight
Seeing the moon

And then after this.
Alone she is
She turns around and
Feels within her chest

She retreats to her bubble
Floating
While the little girl
Inside cries



Explaining it as best I can

I can't write this poem

I really can't write this poem
I have tried so many times
The white page here before me
Lay blank here with a poets crime

I try to say it this way
I begin to change the words
I rub them out constantly
My thoughts are becoming disturbed

I am trying to join the wording
I am beginning to get it right
It is making me feel wonderful
It is giving quite a fright

You see I write these poems
Here hidden, very quickly indeed
But there is just one sentence
That has sent me to my knees

I cannot say what is wanted
Even hidden with whats occurred
This poem; will never be understood
It will never be read or heard

So every time I write it
It is not the truth indeed
I cannot just get it out
Even writing at full speed

The poem here before me
That sentence that was taken back
Its making me quite angry
I wonder why it ran off track

So here within this poem
I will whisper it to you
Just so you can ask the meaning
Of whats making me feel so utterly blue

And when you finished reading
Please go back and read its words
For surely you will see
The horror that has occurred

Part 2

Did you go back and read the poem
It was hidden there quite indeed
I knew I would finally get it out
When I wrote it at full speed

The last poems were about tea parties
They were about snowfalls and mirrors too
There were about rooms and waterfalls
And whispers of flowers and words from you

I could not get it right
So I sat here and wrote away
For you see I dont know what to do
I did not know what to say

So here this poem has taken six months
Of toil and utter pain
Of crying and not understanding
Of silence for someone elses gain

I have screwed up all the pages
And thrown to the scrap paper bin
It would just not be right
A blank page, a poets greatest and biggest sin

It time spent in agony
Its a note of silent dread
A deep within dwell
That sticks there within your head

That sudden thought or meaning
That hidden image you want people to see
There written on the paper
Now out, instead of within me

So there after all this pain
That time and search day after day
Thank God I have FINALLY said it
And that is all I have to say

The Eternity Flower
A little boy, stands

And hands a little girl

A flower

Ever so gently

And whispers "It will be ok"

And the little girl

Stares at the flower

Its petals purple

It wont be ok

She whispers

My nightmares

Dwell in the flower

I will not take the flower

"It will be ok"

It is too scary

She replies

There are dreams

I just dont want to be there

Just don't want to see

She looks at the boy

"It will be ok"

There are just too many

To recall

I cannot touch the flower

I cannot see the time

"It will be ok"

And with this,

She reaches out

And with the tip

Of her finger

Touches its petals

A light feather touch

It blooms

With rainbows

A smile appears

Its the Eternity Flower

Today Nothing Works

A life full of Coco pops
And marbles that feel like rocks
That youngster time, my childhood slows
And today, it returns and glows

And what if I shared with you,
A lifetime of sorrow, you never knew
And what if I were to say out loud
Something that everyone deems not proud

And so I contemplate this today
I feel its rush, that horror way
And there it comes, that time again
And away I drift, lost back then

So even to contemplate this today
Sends me drifting far away
And to return, I see again
I am always alone, way back then

What is it like

I am wondering how I can convey
To you, the reader of this poem
Just what is it like
To live with a monster?

I know I cannot achieve it
I know you will never know
I could sit here for years
And still you would only scratch the surface

I could tell you of the eyes that I see
I could tell you of my nightmares
And I can tell you of my scarred soul
But you could never understand

I could tell you how many years
What frightened me, and when
How I had to hide, what I had to do
And where I went to, but in the long run, you would never know

I could tell you of the incidences I remember
And of the ones I dont
I could tell you of the nights I have sat in tears
And wished that it would just go away

It is just that there is no one out there
That can help this little child
Understand why her daddy did this
And why I must now cry.

Halo

I wonder if you can cope; I wonder if you can see
I wonder if you know; this horror, deep within me
The shear amount of stories, listening to what I have heard
The understanding and the care, that has severely occurred

I have heard everything, praying the story right
That yet another gives me; it all its glory and its fright
The images I can get, can see a day of a night clear
I wonder if they are crying, as they type throughout the years

So many I have seen, I have lost count of them too
To the point, where I am lost, I don't know what to do;
And here is the surrounding, the streets within my head
You drive down them daily, the horror handed over to you instead

Sometimes I have not bothered to return; for the person does not seem to care
What sort of person says these things; that I sat an hour to hear
And bringing back these memories, a word giving you pain
Reliving my childhood with you; sitting here again and again

And dont think you can escape, for I dont know what to do
Because I feel deeply lost, and so will you alone too
So when you're about to drive, and turn down that empty street
Remember I have been living with it; more years than you to keep

And I could not notice evil, I could not see it still
Because I was raised without peace; a child without will
And would a child know, clearly what to do
If she was driving alone, scared and with a monster too

And so I am sorry, for the story you are about to hear
I have shed a thousand tears, living with this constant fear
And I thank you for listening, again I needed much care
Because it has gotten to me, the memories are just not there.

Waiting

And you see it there, flash up on the screen
What are all these figures, just what do they mean
So many out of work, so many looking too
Surely you are lost, amid the struggle of workers too

And there you sit, as you stare at the screen
Just when is it my time, do you know what I mean
And how many applications, just keeping this list
Not understanding why, that job that you missed

And you see on the screen, yet another job gone
Hey, I applied for that one before, feeling so forlorn
Another rejection notice, another sorry, we will keep it on file
You just wondering now, is this really worthwhile?

But I will let you in on a secret, a little hidden store
I have a little backup plan, to keep me on line and more
I have chosen a song, chosen that note
That will play in the background, will be turned up full bloat

And finally when I get there, when I receive that single call
And my work has paid off, self esteem to the wall
I will turn up the volume and play it real loud.
And I will know how difficult it was, feeling ever so proud

So to those reading, who know what I mean
Please chose your song, and play it full steam
And keep it in your mind, as you apply yet once more
That you’ll enjoy every moment, as that song plays full boar


Looking for work and relocation. It is hard at the moment with the economy. Hoping it fixes up soon.

Just how many tears

Just how many tears; do I have to cry
And just how many years; just have to pass me by
Just why did I not know; why did you not care
Why did you take my innocence; without me there

And where did I disappear to; and where do I go
Just what am I left doing; only never will know
The pain and the misery; the screams and the yells
Surely this is the beginning; lifes living in this hell

And why do I not know; love of a father dear
When so many others; know this through the years
When my nightmares are haunted; when I cannot write your name
I spent years dealing with it; causing myself such to blame

And what am I left with; this hole in my heart
I will never know the love of a father; torn in two parts
And when will this end; when will this pain disappear
And I cry again now; shedding these tears

This Palm Tree

Can I join you by this palm tree
Can I rest a little while
You see my childhoods got the best of me
And I did just have a little cry

Can you listen to me talk
And can you understand my fear
Can I just lean on your shoulder forever
Your breath so very near

And then when you finished listening
Can I cry a while in your arms
Can I just release this agony
And gaze up at the lazy palm

And then can you understand
I cannot tell you all
For the fear would just get the better of me
And the horror just make you fall

I am a little girl injured
Though you cannot see its me
I just lost my childhood forever
My soul is this palm tree

Deep Love

What happens when you are deeply in love?
Inspired by Fall in Kentucky

And there they stand, next to the gate
In full glory, only love not hate
Trees of yellow and one bright red
One so small; one gloriful; sun fed

And these trees so different, the colour to see
Can we compare these trees; to you and me
And there they stand, next to the road
The sky bright blue; the red leaves on overload

And the trees they cannot reach, rooted to the ground
A simple feather touch, when the breeze comes around
And they are so close, unable to feel
The warmth of their breath, or a kiss to seal.

The yellow one tall, the red one short
Protecting each other; when they are overwrought
And when the snow comes, and the leaves fall to the ground
The innocence is felt, bare all around.

And now they stand, near to the breeze
You see them there; standing at ease
And there they stay, an eternity in life
Protecting each other through trouble and strife.

The love of each other, sturdy and strong
Never faltering, never right or wrong
And as you walk past, their love is seen
That awe you feel, the love glory sunbeam

And we stand in the shade, forever is there
We see the trees; full sun bare
And we seal our kiss, forever apart
Because the trees cannot touch, forbidden love heart

Swan's Trust

The swan sits, and discovers the pain
Discovered her wings are clipped, once again
And she looks back, what did I do
To deserve the wings clipped; unknown to you

And once we were together, but alone again
Wondering whatever happened; thoughts to back then
And there the swan sits, next to the sea
Feeling alone and shocked - why be me?

And what do you do, when once you were free
Your wings clipped now; unable to be me
When you look at your feathers; and feel the disgust
The swan being there, but obviously no trust

And she looks at the sky, remembering how to fly
And she looks down again; borrowed frown bye and bye
She will not ascend; she will never be free
And a silent tear drops; its just alone with me

He does not love me

The little girl of ten; trapped and all alone
Wanders around the house; reaching for the silent phone
The tears they start to well; not knowing what to do
The thoughts; the scares; the horror; contact daily here with you

And the tears they do trickle; she reaches to make that call
The blackened dial it sits; calling out on its fall
And she picks it up today; she takes it to her room
Looking all around; she hides; from the blackened doom.

Slowly she draws the curtain; a red letter day it is for her
And she takes a silent breath; the horror again about to stir
And then she dials the care line; and whispers it to you
The horror and the nightmare; she trapped alone and frightened too

And there in her bedroom; a little whisper here and there
And all you want to do; is cry and whisper you do care
And as she sits and tells you; the horror that is happening to her
She is alone in this world; your emotions begin to stir

Listen to what he did to me; the years of horror and pain
The little girl she cries at you; "And its all happening again"
And the tears you can see them; on the phone that day
There is nothing you can do for her; the phone is where you stay

And then silently you hear it; she is calling out to you
That little girls alone she sits; crying; whispering too
And then you see the damage; the damage this man did cause
You waiting for it; there is a silent pause

And there she sits and cries; hiding in the darkened room
Alone with you on the telephone; she loses it too soon
And there is her ache; her darkened horror vex
Her soul is crying out to you; "HE DID NOT LOVE ME; ALL HE WANTED IS JUST SEX"

And here the little girl loses it, the crying becomes too much
And you cannot live with it; you cannot hug and touch
And so you silently pray; that the girl finds her peace soon
And there you sit silently listening; to that little girl in her room

The Mulberry Tree

A distant landscape, a little girl cries A soft tear drop, land of lullabies And here she ventures, black hair in light A cusped teddy bear, mulberry tree of might She ventures tiptoeing; down the lane A tunnel of forest, hurry back again Her backpack, sturdy yellow of gold The teddy bear her companion, tucked in her fold And silently she graces, trees whisper to her Tucked safe and sound, she touches his fur And as she nears, that mulberry tree in the field She walks up to it, a smile she does yield And there she sits, beside the tree, I cannot go back, because here is me And she sits, there by its side The darkness descends, sun showing its tide And what if love were the mulberry tree The little girl sits there, at its knee And recounts her story, silence forever gone She lets go of anger, lets go of scorn A moment of peace; a moment of distant grace A silent smile, comes to her face And she returns to life; mulberry tree left behind Her memory reminds her; love is a find. Written for and inspired by Haullie Free www.voicesofstrength.org - for the pictures of the tree. I ran away to an area trying to escape......but had to return to the abuse... this poem recounts this time

Hells Gate

A long winding alley, oranges trees of green
I see you standing there, know what I mean
And then you peer down, does a smile come too
I know it is the start, the abuse in you

I know I remembered, the shame returns soon
And the orange tree stands there, flowers in bloom
And did it fascinate you to see, a little girl shy
Do you remember it now, a while past us by

And we share that memory, can I take it away
Smash it into pieces, mirrors cutting for today
And when all was said and done, and you turned away
Did you know that the girl would remember, years from today

I hope that you live your life, for hells where you will be
There will be your redemption, for doing this to me
And I have lived souls death, over and over in my mind
And releasing it now, my thoughts in a bind

And so you see now, the little girl still writes
Still remembers silently, those long dark lonely nights
And may you remember me, as you fly to hells ground
And a smile rises up, for this is what you found.

True love

Brings a smile
It flutters forward
Like butterfly wings
Dancing in the sun

A bubble, floating
From the sway of my shoulders
As I dance to the music
That I hear internally

An internal hug
As I see the dawn of the day
A joyous happiness
Smiles raised upwards with tears in my eyes

A change in my thoughts
A smile of surprise
Anger above and beyond
Thrilled to be alive

A red sports car
Running on full tilt
I look in the mirror
And my smile, smiles back

My face lights up
I laugh and continue on
And my wish is that
You find true love too

Love inside of me

i cannot exist, i cannot be

without your love inside of me

and i whisper now, from that place inside

i call i wonder can i hide?

and did you hear me, when i called your name

i love you deeply, within a frame

and when you were silent, did i whisper that word

Did you hear me, did it go unheard

So when I call, from my heart

And you listen; we deeply part

You have never been loved before

Close your eyes, I can give much more

So now you know, its within my mind

This love together, is my bind

And here is my hand; to clasp in grace

My heart has found its rightful place

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0hdaKkJU9A

Short Poetry Film

A Time to Remember

I am not sure I can; read another word
Listen to the call; going unheard
And dream another thought; as I fear that call
And here I shrink; curling into a ball

The pain of those months; not knowing what to do
Not understanding the darkness; the thoughts of you
And that feeling of helplessness; praying to the lord
Oh let them be here; don’t take them onboard

And living those dark nights; feeling the fear
The sobbing and crying; I cannot be near
And the aching inside, what do I do
The thousand teardrops; just for you

What will I say; when I get the call
What do I do; will I let you fall
And as I dream; begging someone there
Just telling you over and over; I just do care

And the agony of waiting; making that call
The anger that rises; the anger that falls
And making of lists and repeating them too
Of why I want you here; the life is in you

Of sending you notes and making this speech
Of worrying to death; of making me reach
Those dark filled nights; jumped at the phone
If only I knew; I had guessed by the tone

And I knew just when; I knew I was late
I figured it out; just feeling that hate
The anger; uncontrollable; the scare at my door
The tumbling of agony; falling to the floor

And when someone comes to you; their life in your hand
It is hard to comprehend; it is hard to understand
The call that I made; can I continue on
Giving them advice; feeling so gone

And then later they say thank you; the pain I went through
Remembering back; the fright that I knew
Of not knowing; of feeling lost; so unaware
The darkness seeps within me; the feeling of care

And what keeps you going; what remains there that day
Of thinking back; being too and fray
That feeling of togetherness; the loss so unreal
Of not having you here; the loss I can feel

I see you there now; standing aloft
The time that is passed; crying so soft
I remember back then; the fear rises so fast
I hope this time of quiet; does but last

So I take a deep breath; the feeling has past
The scare that I knew; hoping you would last
And the growth that it gave me; I am different I know
A year has past now; we feel calmness and grow

August 11 2007 5.07am

Dragons

Do Dragons Breathe Fire?

And here it is; fire in its breath
The venom coming out; that sudden death
A pointy tail; that dimwitted sound
Sharp claws; hidden all around

One look; and it frightens away
It's fire breath; coming into prey
The curled tail; spikey thorns of hate
The fire it breaths; running you late

But yet today; lets just stand back
Its only a picture; your thoughts overlap
And what if it were nothing; would it go away
I think it would; suddenly as today

And so lets change it; lets turn it around
Lets find a picture; a cartoon frown
Its blowing smoke; its saying stupid words
It is nothing; its overturned

Wobbly eyes it has; no breath in its wings
The colour is dulled; it does not sing
A hair of mess; was that picture of hate
It was overwrought; and scaring me of late

So here in this poem; its taken to know
Now whats left; is a cartoon show
Its only an image; that dragon tail
I see it now; its lost and frail

For you see; the images are the same
Its only me; seeing its game
And side by side; the images are there
And I push it aside; without a care

Firey Dragon

Lets ask around; the village is bad
It is terrorised; the dragon mad
It walks in; the villagers run
And scurry around; lifes not fun

You dont know the dragon; the village is lost
The dragon breathes fire; at all cost
It is overwrought; making the villagers hate
Its tearing down houses; it is singing irate

The villagers stand around; what do we do
They talk of the monster; I talk too
They ask the village over; protected and fine
What did you do; they give you a line

So you wait and wonder; nothing is done
The village is nearly lost; roofs are undone
So you take your sword; not knowing what to do
And you stand up; pointy sword for two

And the villages they watch; stand back amazed
They could not do that; they look in a daze
But here is the village; you say with your heart
We have to protect it; just a start

And here the village learnt; you cannot hide away
Protect the village; we are here to stay
And here is our sword; our words filled with power
It is our time; finally our finest hour

Souls do Speak; What art does

And what did I learn; what did I see
Arts taken a year; inside of me
A false start; not knowing what to do
Within my heart; still thoughts for two

Arts made with anger, its made with fear
Its made with love; wishing so near
A heart is hidden; a thought is there
Its still not over; wishing I was there

The purple haze; background of white
A dash of black; lost my mind with fright
Hidden messages abound; within its walls
And here Art is; my tears being to fall

And look within; the pieces I chose
The last two sit here; within it knows
A five ringed circus; worry me late
Will you guess it; will you hate

And today; as I had a thought
Did it make me wonder; feel overwrought
I have basically figured; you feel the same
And here we both play; that hiding game

So as you look; within this heart
There is a message; filled with art
The last piece I did; begin to set
Can I ask; can I get?

So stand back; and be amazed
For within the art; messages ablaze
And as you see it; your eyes do seek
Within this piece; souls do speak

A love heart in my soul

And deep down where the wind blows
And silent raindrops fall and goes
Within my soul; I paint a scene
I draw so silently; what does it mean

And here where it is safe and warm
And above the clouds; swing and swarm
And the palms; safe inside
Is a place where; we can hide

The oceans beat, a smile so fine
I greet you here; that hidden line
And the sands grain; I feel so deep
And here we are; forever to keep

And now; and your eyes begin to close
And I see; a whisper; silently to your toes
And look around; you will see it there
A love heart in my soul; to care

The Wall of Silence

There is a stare; over that wall
The silence broken; life begins to fall
A memory here; a thought just right
I remember it now; such a fright

And the years of silence; the years to forget
The years of denial; living regret
A family that lives; a life with that pain
And they sit there in silence; forever refrain

And how do they look; over that Christmas dinner tonight
Knowing a father; gave them such fright
And they sit there in silence; not saying a word
They sit there; like it was never heard

And pass me a plate; your dinner tonight
And lets all forget; you grew up in fright
And here is the peas; and here is your word
Lets all forget it; go on undisturbed

And so it is forgotten; the pain too hard to bare
That sitting across from you; a monster so fair
Silently sitting; awaiting his next prey
And it is all forgotten; the wall of silence this day

Marked My Soul

I saw an image; a few moments a go
My soul was marked; forever I know
The humilation; the fear; the agony; the pain
I will never be able to tell; I refrain

It cannot pass my lips tonight
I will live forever, in this horror and fright
It will haunt me throughout my days
What he watched; I hid it; 30 yrs to craze

He looked, fences high; garrett to the gate
The anger the fear the rising hate
And when he should have yelled and screamed
What he saw, horror nightmare dreams

And so tonight, when you read this poem
Know my soul is marked; for it is unknown
Buried deep you see; I cannot deal with the pain
You cannot see it now; inside it will remain

Balloons

Corner of the room; that little white room
Stands a little girl; holding a balloon
She has a tear; she wears it well
She is silent; she cannot tell

Sssh, listen; her quiet cry
I cannot understand; I bend down and try
The tears they drip; and fall down well
I listen closely; I cannot tell

And in a whisper; I hold her palm
Trying to keep her; still and calm
She whispers silently; he made me cry
He violated me; he did but try

And then I knew; what I had to do
I pulled out my pocket; and said just for you
A bag of balloons; as I held them there
Here it is; showing you I care

And there she stood; silently in a daze
As surrounded by her; in a haze
A parade of balloons; all by her side
She no longer was silent; no longer had to hide.

Re-experiencing

Re-experiencing

What do I do
I am alone
He is in the hallway
I can hear his steps
Is that the door
It cant be
Oh no what do i do
Where can I go
There is the bed
I must hide
What will happen if he comes in
Where can i go
what am i doing here
Please dont let him find me
I cannot handle it if he finds me
Why do I have to live with this
What cruel god is there
I cannot see past my bed
Is that him coming in
Is that his footsteps
Please let them go the other way
I must be quiet
I must get under the bed better
I must be silent

After the Storm

And five minutes ago, what did i see
Did I see those images, locked within me
And can I remember; can I forget
Am I getting prepared; I cannot remember yet

And my thoughts are lost; my fright real
I spent another moment; I cannot feel
And years later now; the memories still there
Why did he just not leave me alone; did he not care?

And today; another time lost to this
Another day unsupported; something amiss
And now as I calm down; and remember this storm
I say to myself; tommorow is yet a new dawn


Some days I cannot live with this......

My last thought

Alone in that room, and moments before
I was happy and contented; I knew the score
And how did you know; what was that fear
When this horror visited me; life not so near

Living this life is so distant; watching near me
My eye of a child; life not to be
The feel of the carpet; an innocent time
Being prepared for secretly; his thoughts of a crime


A turn of a dice; the notice of the game
I cannot understand; I cannot name
And who I was gone; and who will be here
That breath so disgusting; smelling and so near

And years later I recall; questioned so still
My heart is open; my thoughts are my will
I remember back; trying to get my last word
My last thought being normal; being overheard

And in those seconds before; lost to this world
What did I remember; my thoughts so unfurled
For my last thoughts as a person; my distant memory be
I remember how I thought; he must have loved me

The memories they pass

And there she sat; distant and sad
A hunched person; the life she had
A tear drops; she covers it still
Sitting alone; memories fight her will

Years of pain; years of thought
Hurt her through; something so fraught
And alone she sits; surrounded by pain
The people they look; nothing to gain

The room so filled; talk is loud
Do they notice now; sitting in a crowd
That lady who sits; discovering her past
Is filled with horror; pain meant to last

And what would they do; hear her thought
Of agony; of crying; of pain; purely overwrought
Would they notice; the change on her face
The memories inflict her; mind about to brace

The years of panic; the years of thoughts
The years of planning; the years so taught
The years of hate; the years of hurt
The years of fear; the years of dirt

And then as you look; she drifts away
She continues on; no more thoughts today
That hour gone; now lost in the fray
The memories they pass; locked swiftly away

And hidden away; in many souls to keep
The burden of life; that runs so deep
A memory so lost; driven away
She is in a crowd; like many that day

Healing through Creativity Art and Healing Forum

Trauma survivors & supporters are welcome to share thoughts, creativity (art, writing & poetry, drawing, painting, sculpting, jewelry making, ...ect) and communication at the 'Healing Through Creativity' message board for survivors. Administrated by Haullie, Whitedove, Ginger & Vicky. Join today and feel the light within your inner soul shine and thrive. This forum is a wonderful opportunity for anyone who is creative to use their creativity as an outlet for healing and it's not just for survivors of violence, it's for survivors of any kind of trauma....sexual abuse, domestic violence, cancer, eating disorders, disease, grief and loss, disability...ect. So please feel free to join and heal with us.

The forum is located at www.healingthroughcreativity.org/forum

Grow

Four little girls, all in a row

Happy faces and thoughts aglow

Create a castle; in the sand

And listen slowly to the circus band

Let's make this castle; filled with surprise

As pretty as can be; the best sunrise

And when we are finished; we will stand back

And celebrate and be happy; a pat on the back

And so as they progress; a flower here and there

Molding the castle; so much care

And they build the moat; purple and blue

And a flag on top; a circle or two

And who would guess; the past they would reveal

Looking for love; looking to heal

And together; in that sandcastles glow

They pay tribute to their lives; and forever grow

The Mansion

Beyond our city; lies the Isle of Love
Standing abandoned; aside a raging sea
For many years; the waves pounded
Eroding; the island; in harmony

And its desolate shores; for years stood silent
Weeds grew on the land; for all to see
The neglect; was noticed by many
Until, one day; the Island Mansion was started

The island was cleared, the bulldozers roared
And from the desolation; arose a diamond
A rare jewel; slowly being built, from the ground up
Reaching to the clouds; in its glory

The foundations were laid; and brick by brick
The mansion grew forward; walls steady and strong
Artisans and craftsmen; the best in the land
Contributed to the building; a crown glory

And from the ashes; arose a glorious beginning
The mansion grew; golden staircases and towers
Curtains of lace and finery; gardens of green and flowers
And a lake for all the citizens to see over the waves

It stood; silently across the ocean; finished in completion
A silent boat shifted across
And then another, and another; carrying wares
Unknown to others.

And as the citizens watched, day by day and marvelled at the design
A darkness grew throughout the land; as a wall
Dark and ugly arose; from the ground; blocking the view
Of the Island Mansion; the beauty to be lost

And the silent boats returned; the wall built
And the mansion was lost to others; behind a fortress
Of unforgiving blandness and pale
Hiding the beauty beyond

Happy Birthday Whitedoves Nest!!

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday Whitedoves Nest
Happy Birthday to you

What a journey the past two years have been. Whitedoves Nest for me has been one of the most important projects I have done in my life. For myself personally, it has given me tremendous growth and given me many survivor friends and contacts. Many years ago I thought I was completely alone, and now I know I am not.

I know when I first created Whitedoves Nest that I was consumed with completing it. I had various designs and looks for the front page, and was satisified with the look that is now seen by visitors. I have updated templates and added much more since its inception in Aug 2005.

In the time since, I have become a published poet, overcome the loss of my family of origin due to the abuse that occurred in my childhood, I have appeared on radio promoting survivor projects that I am involved with and travelled to America from Australia. I have also helped many many people who visit the site looking for inspiration and asking questions. Poetry and submissions has been used from this site for sexual assault conferences and inspiration by many.

I have also in this time threatened my abuser (father) with police action due to unwanted contacts. I have also spoken to other family members and have been met with much violence and anger, over discussing abuse in my family.

I have been blessed in many ways. I wish to thank my husband, who has helped in a big way to setup Whitedoves Nest initally and I know visits on occassion. I would also like to thank two dear friends who help me personally move forward in my healing.

I would also like to thank the 60,000 + visitors over this time for their support and courage.


((((hugs)))))

Whitedove
http://www.whitedovesnest.com/

One good memory

A little house; along a street
A simple place; nice and neat
A wooden fence; go straight in
Holding hands; my daddys grin

Here chose an apple; the owner says
You can have it free; we smile for days
A simple time; with my dad
Of riding bikes; of feeling glad

Of horsey rides; and swimming too
Of movies that were meant for you
Of trust and laughter; of times so great
Of birthday parties; and turning eight

A solid tear sheds my eye
I remember this and wonder why
I can think of no more; as I pass ten
Because of that day; when I learnt about men

A darkened night; all alone
Watching tv; I could hear its drone
An enclosed room; an innocent child
I close my eyes; what I see as he smiled

The ride back; after the deed
I cannot remember; I cannot heed
But I know my lesson taught
My nerves become frayed; I am overwrought

To live each day; in his home
Planning how not to be alone
With this man who is my dad
Crying tears and shaking mad

To live a life; running away
Being an adult; all in one day
Thinking his hands; and his touch
Thoughts of mine; become too much

And so when you ask; a good memory there
Of loving thoughts; of a dad who cares
I think back on the apple scene
It only hurts; it makes me scream

Travelling

Looking so forward to our holiday in the United States. Not long to go now - and so looking forward to it!!!!.

We hope to get to as many tourist spots as possible. And what a 22 hour flight to endure!!!

It is going to be a wonderful and life changing journey to www.healingthroughcreativity.org.

Enjoy!

Whitedove

Tears of Thank You.

And what do you do; a thank from high
You know you have been blessed; numbers telling you why
And then you are told; again and again
Thank you from my soul; thank you back then

I walked passed the note; standing there
It all started back then; and where
I listened to a lady; she told me her past
I started to shake; it did last and last

I wondered; why are they saying this; how can they say?
That they were abused; sitting there calm way
It just lit up inside me; I was not alone
There are others out there; in front of me; a tone

And from that day; when I realised there was more
I strove forward; I did explore
It was hard; an immense task
It was horrible; but it does not last

Seeking for information; I did find
Many others out there; thoughts unwind
And now I know I am surrounded; many more
And I know there are many out there; not to ignore

So from that moment; that thought in my head
I need help; I need care instead
So I pass back; to the lady that cared
Who helped me help many; if I dared


((((hugs))) Thanks to my third therapist

Celebrating 50,000 visitors to Whitedoves Nest

Praying for the end

Hiding; running; scared of sight
Dealing with this night after night
A little girl; so small and true
Is given over to the horror of you

Lost and alone, she enters its lair
A home of peace; frightened to be there
It is a kitchen; in a normal home
And a father dominates from the throne

And in he comes, no one is there
The fright builds up; it is time to scare
To be alone; five seconds with him
You live a lifetime; in this sin

And everything whirls; what will he do
Is he to say anything; do that to?
And you freeze; rabbit in fright
Not again in his spotlight

And when he retreats; and you are safe again
How many hours till it happens; that sin
Will he follow you into this room
Stalking you; bringing you doom

And when you are supposed to be calm
Reading a book; your torn to harm
Is he coming into this place
Filling your head with such disgrace

And finally; where do you go?
Do you tell someone; tell someone you know
And when you do; they dismiss it with ease
Looking at you like you have a disease

And so your thoughts turn to the end
Hoping to get out of there; hoping to descend
Wishing to disappear; wishing it gone
From night to day; feeling torn

The horror pain; easy to forget
It is the remembering; such a threat
Years on; you remember the pain
And over and over you experience it again

Knife in my heart; recovering memories

The images;the pain
Agony and despair
Wishing I was anywhere
Anywhere but there

Stuck in these memories
When will the come
Seeing these new images
Nothing; not fun

It is past; it is gone
I cannot worry now
I am releasing the pain
Releasing and how

Wishing to get the memory
The pain and despair
Living on the road
A road to somewhere.

SCARY THOUGHTS AND IMAGES

12.16 3 May 2007

Memories of that Night

Memories of that Night.

I wish you could hear me; hear my pain
Thoughts of you return again and again
You are far away from me now
The guilt is felt; every day and how

I have thoughts of him at this time
Thoughts of him and his crime
Making me cry; to hard to bare
I am no longer sorry; I cannot care

I cry and cry to release it out
Shaking my head; wanting to shout
Why does it have to be this way
Why do I have to pay?

I huddled alone; feeling it go
It is awful; I just have to know
Why did this happen; what did I do?
A little girl; now has thoughts of you

And many of us out there have this thought
The care and comfort of others I sought
To show me; that they are not all the same
That they all do not play his game

I remember now; what you did
I remember how I just hid
I went away; and was not there
The song I went to; so I did not care

And then what did I do; after the crime
I turned around; and washed for a time
Then I shouted out loud at you
I just knew what I had to do

So if you look; I tell the world
Of what you did; little girl unfurled
But I cry a tear every night
As I sit and bare the horrible fright

The Road of Memories

I see the road, years have past
The road not used; memories fast
The road it hides beneath the bridge
Feeling the fear at it ridge

And as we turned the corner; at its end
The fear raised within me; not its friend
The horror that was to come; not again
Feeling afraid; breath at its end

And as I passed the stop lights
I felt the fear of that night
The road of safety; is at its past
The thoughts endure; and hold fast

I continued on; breath is held
Feeling in my heart; tradegy swelled
I hide, I linger and feel the fright
I try to dismiss thoughts of this night

I hear the bells; I see the scene
I see a tree; thoughts are green
I remember back; a moment in time
Where I had to hide; from this crime

I remain; again and again
Searching for a meaning of the end
I remain in this memory now
It repeats for years and years and how

A second or two in time
My heart it lurched; reaching its prime
And what to do; it remains with me still
I fight against it with all my will.

I cannot change what is in the past
It is with me; it does last
The thoughts are there, frightening away
I have endured them for another day

Trust

Can I now trust
After years of pain
That the person I love
Will not do it again?

How can it be
From a silent call
My life in turmoil
Feelings about to fall

How do I feel
Now that I know
Will they be staying
Or will they just go?

Only time will tell
If our friendship is fair
Full of understanding
And full of care

So I hope
I have a friend
Who understands
A bond that will not end

Skin Choice

There is now a new feature today at www.whitedovesnest.com. I have made available a "Skin Choice" to allow visitors to choose which look they want as they visit the site.

There are three choices - my particular favourite is "union". The inspiration behind each of the templates can be read at "About this site" or by clicking the following link

http://www.whitedovesnest.com//index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=126&Itemid=45

Enjoy!

And what would you do?

I walked forward; knowing the dread to come
The clouds were heavy; gone was the sun
I went from the store; my shoulders down
My thoughts awash; my face a frown

I walked towards the lot; over to the side
Wishing I was anywhere; wishing to hide
And as I reached the door; it was wrong
I knew I could not care; I knew the song

The face I see it; years in advance
I have just remembered; this awful glance
I had to sit in the car; next to a pedophile
Not caring; rest my thoughts for a while

I was a teenager; not knowing what to do
My thoughts; depression thinking of you
I had to travel; many a time
Waiting; hating; for the crime

I know; I forget it now
Too many times; I count and how
My memories don't match; there's no glue
Not knowing what happened; I have no clue

And so now, I sit and live this life
Knowing any moment; it's memory strife
Why did no one help me; when they could
Living with this pain; called my childhood

Everlast

It came from nowhere; a glimpse of pain
Nothing I saw; and everything to gain
The world went slow; my sight grew dim
I knew what was coming; a memory of him

And what to do; when I was in control
I had responsibilites; I could not fall
I gripped the steering wheel; and held fast
I knew the awful memory; would not last

It rose within me; I know it is there
My thoughts they tell me; not time to care
So on this day; as I was driving along
I knew this memory; cannot belong

So I chose to forget; the pain that is there
To say to myself; a road to nowhere
I shouted it down; and shook my head
Not today I said; filling me with dread

I drove on, through the roundabout
The memory it shook me; of that no doubt
I saw but nothing; but I felt its scare
I will forget today; too much to bare

So now days later; I continue on
Wondering when it will next come; feeling forlon
And will it be there again today
I just hope; it will go away

But I know it follows me with its grin
Of that I have no doubt; but I will win
For I know; it is in the past
It cannot get me; I will everlast

Take my hand

A green field
Filled with a distant sound
A black crow
Gathered all around

Through the valley
I hear a cry
It is you saying
You are standing by

With arms encircled
And thoughts a fresh
Wishing me joy
Wishing me happiness

Take my hand
And follow me through
I want to tell you
I am in love with you.

Written for my husband

Travelling

The tickets are about to be purchased for our trip to America.

We are looking so forward to attending and being part of the healing festival at www.healingthroughcreativity.org and also visiting many tourist spots on the American east coast. I look forward to the Kennedy Space Centre, New York, Graceland and much more. The kids are looking forward to Sea World!!!!!

The plane ride will be long (some estimates are 30 hours or longer!) and much will be gained by my whole family.

Can't wait - its only 5 and a half months to go!!!!! I already have my art submission ready and busily getting ideas for creative poetry.

A piece of paper

I see the lights
There up ahead
Feeling empty inside
Feeling self dread

I see the sign
Looking back and forth
I see a road
One south; one north

Where do I turn
When I am so alone
Where am I going
In my self torture zone

What am I doing
Where do I head
Would I be better off
Sick and feeling dread

Why is it so empty
Why is life at times so hard
Where do I fit in
Sick and feeling scarred

Why must I sometimes
Feel this way
Feeling lonely on
This lovely summer day

I look up ahead
I continue on
I have a piece of paper
To keep me from feeling gone

From far away
I hear a call
It is ok
I won't let you fall.

Blanket

A safe surround
The blanket lies
Aside the river
Broken all ties

No conditions and no thought
Just peace
And heaven
Feel like it ought

One day I will reach out
See the scene
Be there quietly
Change to green


Thanks to a friend

What next?

I took a look
A second past
I knew I saw it
I could not last


What was there
That scared me so
What was it
That I did not know

And just why did I
Not want to see
Why can it
Not let me be

And if I remember
What then do I do
I know something is there
Can it be true?

The Forgotten One

I hear a song
A voice from far away
Calling out
In the darkness

A tear drop falls
And finds its way
Landing at my feet
I look down, the tear a puddle

Where am I
What am I doing
Why am I here
What is this about

I ask others
I seek their understanding
I have no idea
Which path to take

A sadness fills me
I shed a thousand tears
And then I hear a calling
A little person whispering my name

Where am I
In all of this she says
Why not take care of me
I turn and listen, I hear my own voice.

The Painting

It sat upon the wall
Above a fireplace; showing fall
The picture was there for years
In the place of many tears

I cannot remember its detail
Pierce my heart; as a nail
It was but orange; I do remember
Thoughts like fire and burning embers

It was large; looking over the room
At the end; it did but loom
Watching over the scene
Of my memories; it does but lean

Is it a picture of a road?
Or perhaps a river; my thoughts slowed
It could be a chain link fence
A forest of trees; stark and dense

I saw it there as my childhood passed
A downward sorrow is but cast
It stood above me in the room
As my father created my tomb

What stories would this painting tell
It would see my living hell
It would know what happened to me
My thoughts hurt; please let me be

So what if the painting were to speak
What would it say; wisdom to seek
And if I cannot remember this scene
Just what does that really mean?

For six years; this painting saw
My thoughts meek; I do withdraw
From what happened in this place
My memories; they try to erase

Years have past; the painting still there
I remember; it brings back the scare
My memories amiss at the end
The painting knows; it can but mend

So what do I seek from this painting now
As my thoughts furrow my brow
Could it be that I cannot know
The horror too much for me to grow?

If I remember what the painting knows
My life is thrown; my thoughts close
I am frightened of this scene
Of what my memories can but mean

So I forget; the room for now
I continue on with life; thoughts disavow
I one day will remember the painting
Steady myself; my thoughts are waiting.

This is why I love you

Submitted by Black Crow

The light I see within your eyes
The sparkle I see in your smile
These are the things that are true
And this is why I love you

You are an inspiration
To all that need to feel
That someone out there cares
To help so they can heal

Your courage is exceptional
Your heart is full of love
And this is why I adore you
My beautiful white dove

What is a friend

A leaf does slip off a tree
And silently falls down
It glides backwards and forwards
And lands on the ground

The next leaf does fall
And ponders down as well
It silently gathers to the ground
Where all the others do dwell

And what if the leaves were sorrow
My tears falling still
Would you be there to catch them
Chasing all my will?

A friend will catch the leaf
And turn it all around
They will offer their advice
Turn a smile from a frown

They will see the leaf
And put out there hand
And grab it well before
The tears fall to land

So here is my hand to
Catch your fallen tears
Your sorrow and your heartache
A true friendship through the years

Poem

Whitedove is currently reading "The Wounded Heart" by Dr Dan Allender

A poem:

The night is dark
But I can see
All the things
You mean to me

Your gorgeous face
Your beautiful smile
Your love for me
Makes it worthwhile

The joy you bring
The happiness you give
Makes me realise
How to live

You are so strong
In all your pain
The courage you show
Keeps me sane

I love you dearly
My loving wife
You and the girls
Are my life

Celebrating 10,000 unique visitors

Wow - I am amazed.

10,000 unique visitors to www.whitedovesnest.com!

Hope you have enjoyed your visit and return shortly.

Thanks to all the continual contributions I receive throughout the year to make this site what it is.

((((hugs))))
Whitedove.

Love instead of Hate

What are the choices
That we make
It seemed so real
But it was all fake

A land of make believe
A land of making things real
Of taking hold of something
Of it being surreal

Seeing things there
Speaking out loud
Hearing everything
Nothing so proud

Listening to music
It had meaning too
Unsure what was happening
Unsure what to do

Did I want to die
Was that the aim
Did it all become too much
Was it a game?

How did I make the call
Messages sent from high
I was to receive
I let out a sigh

So what did I send back
What was so great
What was I supposed to do
Was I too late

So here is the message
I sent to the gate
I said NO, NO, NO
Love instead of hate.


Hopefully who ever wanted this message will read it.

I was asked Yes or No

I say NO.

Changes

Out of something old; comes something new
A fresh start; a chance to renew
A feeling of sadness; crying and fear
A chance to start through the years

Once it was thrill and happiness to be near
A sigh on the lips so dear
Soon an aching of distant gone
Perhaps something making one forlorn

A drifting apart; no fault of ones own
One moved forward; while one grown
A distance became a gulf; feeling lost
An iciness that turns to frost

But then something happens; a whisper still
That starts to break through their will
And one realises that there is a chance
To capture that one lost glance

So today; we start anew
Hoping that sad times will be few
Change is finally here
Happiness and family in the air

So I thank you from the bottom of my heart
For being there when others arent.
Thank you for loving me; care too
From your wife; I love you

For my husband; thank you for the ring
and wishing to accompanying me on my journey.
13 Sept 2006

(((((big hugs and kisses))))))

Whitedove

Lost and Alone

lost and alone
in a world of hate and harm
why why did this happen;
where is my calm

will it go
no, i cannot change time
i cannot go back
and reinact the crime

i hate being attached
i hate my emotions; to and fro
being tied to nothing
and the trival thoughts that come and go

i want to be happy
to see the rainbows again
to understand the suns rays
and to be me with a grin

but it is clouded
full of hate and fear
feeling the emptiness of nearness
holding every thing dear

when will this feeling go
what to do
a sorrow deep within
a feeling of sorrow and low

so if you feel this way
join me to
in this loneliness
at the bottom of you.

Happy Birthday Whitedovesnest

28th August marks the 1st birthday of whitedovesnest.com!!!

In this time there have been many contributions to the site of poetry and art work, stories and general comments. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and inspirations with others.

To date, there have been nearly 10,000 unique visitors to this site. Generally, there are between 40-70 visits per day, dependant on the day. I AM CLEARLY NOT ALONE with endeavouring to heal from childhood sexual abuse.

Since first going online on this day, 1 year ago, I have added the survivor art gallery, changed the look of the site, added even more things to look at, added a search and links. I have also gone on to create two more websites. It has been a busy year.

I wish to thank the many visitors and contributors who make this site what it is. It takes a lot of courage to stand up and turn around and face your past. Congratulations on visiting, and taking that stand.

Happy Birthday!!!

(((((hugs)))))))
Whitedove.

Five Years

I see the television
It is not right
Are they speaking to me
With all their might

Why is this happening
I must be insane
I will just ignore it
It will not happen again

Within me is messages
I am sad I cannot talk
I hear them all calling me
I am sick as I walk

I see a sign
I feel a rush
And still I sit in silence
Keeping hush

And then, I sit
And eat my meal
And then my life
Becomes surreal

I am god
The messages say to me
It seems so real
Can't it let me be

The dogs they call
The swimming pool too
The angels they weep
It all seems unglued

I fall in and out
Of this state I am in
I cannot believe in me
Is this for a sin?

I remember so much
Of this time then
It is hard to remember
I look at the tv again

And now years on
What would I do
If the tv responded
Again like anew.

I would surely freak
And get help fast
Because I know
This terror will not last

So to others out there
That understand this rhyme
You can survive to
All it needs is time.

The Courage to Heal Workbook

I read The Courage to Heal book many years ago and learnt that I am not alone. It has many stories and a lot of information.

I am about to embark on The Courage to Heal Workbook and waiting for it to be delivered. I am nervous and apprehensive about this, having read a few of the questions and topics it discusses. I hope it to be ok and to give me back a bit of my normal life once again. I will post topics that I find of interest. I am doing this workbook with another survivor, as suggested on the booklist on my main www.whitedovesnest.com site.

Thanks for the comments on the blog, they are much appreciated. I hope you continue to like my poems and comments.

Memories

I saw it two days ago
A slight image
A slight pain
I see the scare; I cannot name

It started slowly
I saw it there
I did not know what to do
I could not care

It jumped out at me
I wanted it so
I begged for years
For it to let me know

How could I tell
That there was more
More to this living hell
My heart; it tore

Now since then
I have received more
There are three extra images
I am keeping score

What is coming next?
I cannot go
I can handle it
This I know.



More memories.

Empty

Lost alone and so far away
I feel empty; another feeling today
The loss within me; will the pain go?
I could of gone; I just did not know

An emptiness; a longing; a mindless soul
A single pity; within a deep dark hole
I reach out; Is someone there?
Does this even matter; do I even care?

The crying comes; will this shortly go?
I feel at a loss; does anyone know?
The tears fall; a silent gloss trail
Will I feel normal; or will I fail

I sigh so heavily; the burden is there
Without my strength that I proudly wear
The loss is deep I can feel it still
Tapping my shoulder; against my will

The emptiness fades; the dawn comes again
I feel the suns rays; forgiving when
I am glad the emptiness; is not always here
And it is a smile; I can now wear.



Sadness ; thank goodness it goes away. Putting on a happy song may help

Healing through Creativity 2006

After much planning, Healing through Creativity 2006 started today. I volunteered in Sept 2005, to create with others, the website at www.healingthroughcreativity.org to promote the event on the web.

It has been a fantastic journey for myself and others. Though I live in another country, it has certainly turned my life upside down in ways I would never had guessed when it first started.

I have contributed to the event, an artwork "You Can" describing my story from a child of 10 and a half (see main site under Survivor Art Gallery). It has given me much pause in my life, to discover that over a period of 22 years (what the art work covers) , I have managed to move forward from a place that I thought would forever be forgotten. I wish to send a big thank you for all the people in my life that have aided me.

I have also donated poetry - "Touched", "Angels Garden" and "Little Girl Gone" for display along with other artists/performers/helpers who have contributed to the event.

I wish to send a big thank you to all that organised the event and put in many hours of behind the scenes work.

I wish also to personally thank the event organiser, George and family for much needed inspiration & help.

(((hugs)))

White Dove

Way up high
Where the sunlight sings
Flies a white dove;
Taking flight to the wings

The white dove soars
As she finds a cloud
She flies through it
Ever so proud

She loses a feather
It floats down still
It falls at the feet
Of a little girl; broken will

The girl looks up
And sees the white dove soar
She does not understand
She does but ignore

She takes the feather
Eyes covered in tears
Eyes being haunted
Eyes filled with fears

She tucks in the feather
Hiding it quickly away
It is hers forever
It is here today

For within this feather
Lies a promise of the dove
That forever and today
The girl has found internal love


For all the young girls who have been affected traumatically by childhood sexual abuse, here is my feather to you. May it give you continued inspiration to speak out and not remain quiet.

(((((hugs)))))

whitedove

Anniversary

Today marks the 1st Anniversary of losing my family due to sexual abuse. I had to separate for my own well being and sanity. A year today I held my ground and said no to continuing silence.

What has changed for me in this year:-

1. Completed this healing website & another - approx 100 people a day are helped
2. My story in a book
2. Written my story in different formats (see main site)
3. Seeked help
4. Stopping the silence/blame
5. Found a friend or two.

((((hugs))))))

Today

I am empty
I feel no pain
I feel no hardship
I cannot name

A year has passed
I don't know what to do
A year has passed
Without seeing you

Unsure what has happened
To be this way
I did nothing
For it to end up today

I thought I would be sad
For losing you;
I thought that you would
Understand what this has done too

But now a year on
Am I filled with regret
No I just feel empty
I just want to forget