Whisper
There was a whisper in heaven
When we met those months ago
The whisper spread across the land
So that others could finally know
The whisper slowly drifted through
The distance and the years
It filled my loneliness in this world
It covered my fear and tears
A simple word, a timeless note
Waiting patiently for a reply
And all just so I would know
That you were there standing by
I do not know who to thank
When I heard the whisper cried
All I know is not to question
That you will be by my side
So today, after many years
I decide what I must do
To answer the call to the note
To listen whole heartenedly to you.
This celebrates 6 May 2006
Wrote this a while ago - and found it again today.
Hope you enjoy it. I did
I have also updated the templates on the main website at www.whitedovesnest.com, to a purple flower design. Hope it brings you inspiration.
Whitedove
Monday, May 29, 2006
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Its arrived
After much time waiting, my artwork has arrived!!!.
I am thrilled with the final results, I did not know it would turn out as well as it did. I am glad I chose the interior decorator I did. It is very much readable and very bright.
Time to think about sending it now.
I am thrilled with the final results, I did not know it would turn out as well as it did. I am glad I chose the interior decorator I did. It is very much readable and very bright.
Time to think about sending it now.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Finding a Friend
Finding a friend
What happens if you have been waiting for years
And the thing that you hope for; just appears
If you wonder why you were so blind
And it makes you just want to mountain climb
It is not winning the lotto, not finding lost gold
Not beating a marathon, its just being very bold
It called for courage and strength within
To trust a person you now call a friend
What happens if you have been waiting for years
And the thing that you hope for; just appears
If you wonder why you were so blind
And it makes you just want to mountain climb
It is not winning the lotto, not finding lost gold
Not beating a marathon, its just being very bold
It called for courage and strength within
To trust a person you now call a friend
Friday, May 05, 2006
For this the tears do spill
A sat on the counch,
Next to the phone
Beneath the lights
Mum and me alone
It had taken a while
To find the courage beneath
To understand the turmoil
To become covered in grief
I kept the secret silent
I had held off for many years
The thought; the terror; the anguish
The nights; the horror; the fears
And so I decided on the day
To tell what lay so hidden
To let her know what I had to say
To tell her what was so forbidden
Mum, I said in my quietest voice
Dad is touching me all the time
She looked at me without a blink
A look that should have shown a crime
She turned to me and said
"Is there something you want me to do?"
And to this, I had no reply
So I just said "No"; quiet ensues
And then there was a silence
I heard it for many years
It filled my life with horror
I cried a life of tears
I had taken the courage to tell her
The silence is deafening still
For why did she not help me
For this the tears do spill.
May 2006
It took me years to recover and to seek therapy. My mother could have started this process earlier. I moved out not long after this incident. I do not know her reasonings behind her silence. For three of her daughters had been abused and still she was silent when her granddaughters visited......... I no longer visit. The unfortunate thing is that the months before this incident, we had grown closer, and I trusted her more.
Next to the phone
Beneath the lights
Mum and me alone
It had taken a while
To find the courage beneath
To understand the turmoil
To become covered in grief
I kept the secret silent
I had held off for many years
The thought; the terror; the anguish
The nights; the horror; the fears
And so I decided on the day
To tell what lay so hidden
To let her know what I had to say
To tell her what was so forbidden
Mum, I said in my quietest voice
Dad is touching me all the time
She looked at me without a blink
A look that should have shown a crime
She turned to me and said
"Is there something you want me to do?"
And to this, I had no reply
So I just said "No"; quiet ensues
And then there was a silence
I heard it for many years
It filled my life with horror
I cried a life of tears
I had taken the courage to tell her
The silence is deafening still
For why did she not help me
For this the tears do spill.
May 2006
It took me years to recover and to seek therapy. My mother could have started this process earlier. I moved out not long after this incident. I do not know her reasonings behind her silence. For three of her daughters had been abused and still she was silent when her granddaughters visited......... I no longer visit. The unfortunate thing is that the months before this incident, we had grown closer, and I trusted her more.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Touched
My mind wanders back
Through the years and the tears
Taking the journey that
Was to be forgotten
The pain rises, and then falls
Like waterdrop crystals in the rain
The memories leap forward
And then die, tragedy to be erased
The night it happened, my soul died
A thousand times over and fear became
My constant and dwelling companion
Swiftly replacing the love that I felt inside
The curtains were closed and the
Darkness outside enveloped the sun
The television hammered a show
Watched a thousand times by others
I wore jeans, and a jumper I think
The memory fades as I journey through
Years of distance in my mind
Years of horror and of pain
I was so innocent, I did not know
The pain was to start the instant
My father said "Come and share the couch"
I loved him for an instant
And then the pain and the scare
The horror and the nightmares started
The hiding and the tradegy
The loss of my family
The loss of my friends, the crying
The hospitalisation, the therapy
The arguements, suicide,
Not eating and refusing to talk; confusion
My soul took a dive that day.
It hid beneath the pain and the misery
Shining like a beacon saying
I am here, when you want me
All I needed to do was listen
And to understand I was always there,
That is was the fear that held me at bay
That crumpled me into a thousand pieces
I was asked to think about the day it all started. I wrote this poem without rhyme to capture this time.
I am please at how it turned out, and glad to be writing.
Notes on this poem:
This poem is the first of 4 poems in a series I wrote within an hour. It is the first poem I wrote without a rhyme. It discusses the first time that I was sexually abused by my father. I was 10 and a half and innocently watching tv in my family homes lounge room.
My world, my life, my memories, my happiness and safety in this world changed from this one moment. I wished to capture this in a poem.
Touching this memory, brings back a lot of fear and anxiety. Writing this poem made me physically sick, however I have an easier time now (its about 2 months or so since I wrote it) remembering it without it scaring me internally so much. This is what this poem has done for me. You can see the rest of the poem on my website at www.whitedovesnest.com (there are two more parts to it). It will also be on display at Healing through Creativity during July 2006. www.healingthroughcreativity.org
Through the years and the tears
Taking the journey that
Was to be forgotten
The pain rises, and then falls
Like waterdrop crystals in the rain
The memories leap forward
And then die, tragedy to be erased
The night it happened, my soul died
A thousand times over and fear became
My constant and dwelling companion
Swiftly replacing the love that I felt inside
The curtains were closed and the
Darkness outside enveloped the sun
The television hammered a show
Watched a thousand times by others
I wore jeans, and a jumper I think
The memory fades as I journey through
Years of distance in my mind
Years of horror and of pain
I was so innocent, I did not know
The pain was to start the instant
My father said "Come and share the couch"
I loved him for an instant
And then the pain and the scare
The horror and the nightmares started
The hiding and the tradegy
The loss of my family
The loss of my friends, the crying
The hospitalisation, the therapy
The arguements, suicide,
Not eating and refusing to talk; confusion
My soul took a dive that day.
It hid beneath the pain and the misery
Shining like a beacon saying
I am here, when you want me
All I needed to do was listen
And to understand I was always there,
That is was the fear that held me at bay
That crumpled me into a thousand pieces
I was asked to think about the day it all started. I wrote this poem without rhyme to capture this time.
I am please at how it turned out, and glad to be writing.
Notes on this poem:
This poem is the first of 4 poems in a series I wrote within an hour. It is the first poem I wrote without a rhyme. It discusses the first time that I was sexually abused by my father. I was 10 and a half and innocently watching tv in my family homes lounge room.
My world, my life, my memories, my happiness and safety in this world changed from this one moment. I wished to capture this in a poem.
Touching this memory, brings back a lot of fear and anxiety. Writing this poem made me physically sick, however I have an easier time now (its about 2 months or so since I wrote it) remembering it without it scaring me internally so much. This is what this poem has done for me. You can see the rest of the poem on my website at www.whitedovesnest.com (there are two more parts to it). It will also be on display at Healing through Creativity during July 2006. www.healingthroughcreativity.org
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Writing has come to a complete halt
My great start to my new book, has come to a complete halt. From such a good start, it now has changed direction.
I am rethinking what I am going to write about, discuss and create. I had a few more ideas yesterday, and will be gathering more information shortly. I have had luck in the past with just "going for it" and need to give myself a set time, within my other committments.
I will shortly be creating a downloadable form of the first chapter of my first novel, written a while back. It helped me out from a dark time in my life, and can be explained as a thriller. It has violent scenes, evil verses good with a tale to tell. It is a fictional story, however, a short period of my life has been reflected throughout the tale. It may give others an idea, just to give writing a go, it is a great place to start in recovery.
I changed the header on the site, to A Child at the Beach. I love the brightness of the site now and it is good to see the site, with the same information, but in a different format. I plan in the future to have a template chooser, so the visitor can choose the "skin" to view the site in.
A few more poems have been submitted from various visitors - hope you enjoy them. I have also highlighted on the front page one of my favourites which made me pause and think about things. It is I'm Sorry I don't Understand by Against All Odds. Have a read if you get a chance.
I have also published a new site, though unrelated to healing. On this new site I have experimented with a few additional features that the package I use to create the site offers and I hope to duplicate it at Whitedoves Nest.
((((((hugs))))))))
Whitedove
I am rethinking what I am going to write about, discuss and create. I had a few more ideas yesterday, and will be gathering more information shortly. I have had luck in the past with just "going for it" and need to give myself a set time, within my other committments.
I will shortly be creating a downloadable form of the first chapter of my first novel, written a while back. It helped me out from a dark time in my life, and can be explained as a thriller. It has violent scenes, evil verses good with a tale to tell. It is a fictional story, however, a short period of my life has been reflected throughout the tale. It may give others an idea, just to give writing a go, it is a great place to start in recovery.
I changed the header on the site, to A Child at the Beach. I love the brightness of the site now and it is good to see the site, with the same information, but in a different format. I plan in the future to have a template chooser, so the visitor can choose the "skin" to view the site in.
A few more poems have been submitted from various visitors - hope you enjoy them. I have also highlighted on the front page one of my favourites which made me pause and think about things. It is I'm Sorry I don't Understand by Against All Odds. Have a read if you get a chance.
I have also published a new site, though unrelated to healing. On this new site I have experimented with a few additional features that the package I use to create the site offers and I hope to duplicate it at Whitedoves Nest.
((((((hugs))))))))
Whitedove
Monday, March 27, 2006
The Anger dwells from deep within
It hides beneath this fake grin
It boils high and boils low
&%*^ off cow you have to go
How dare you speak to me this way
Making me feel so small today
And I have to keep the anger in
Hiding behind this stupid grin
As it hots up deep inside
I wish I did not have to hide
I want to tell you how much you stink
I want you to know what I think
I want to be rid of your awful thoughts
Things that you say hurt; they ought
I am not your play with little toy
Does this give you so much joy?
I bang on the typewriter harder still
The Anger will not abate at will
It will go shortly this I know
As I formulate a plan to go
What will I say in response
Wanting to say "You hurt me with your nonchalance"
But instead it will be buried so deep
My eyes telling you, you are an awful creep
It hides beneath this fake grin
It boils high and boils low
&%*^ off cow you have to go
How dare you speak to me this way
Making me feel so small today
And I have to keep the anger in
Hiding behind this stupid grin
As it hots up deep inside
I wish I did not have to hide
I want to tell you how much you stink
I want you to know what I think
I want to be rid of your awful thoughts
Things that you say hurt; they ought
I am not your play with little toy
Does this give you so much joy?
I bang on the typewriter harder still
The Anger will not abate at will
It will go shortly this I know
As I formulate a plan to go
What will I say in response
Wanting to say "You hurt me with your nonchalance"
But instead it will be buried so deep
My eyes telling you, you are an awful creep
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Getting quotes
Getting quotes for an artwork I will be displaying in Healing through Creativity. It was cheaper than I thought. I will have to redo some formating to allow for better printing. My previous thoughts ended up being too difficult to accomplish, but I will update it and put it on the website at a later time for viewing.
Why not enter your work, poem in www.healingthroughcreativity.org in July 2006. You can do it anonymously.
Whitedove
Why not enter your work, poem in www.healingthroughcreativity.org in July 2006. You can do it anonymously.
Whitedove
I am not like my mum
As I stare at the clock
Hearing it say tic, saying toc
I wonder when I will fall asleep
My mind silent, not a peep
I wonder why I felt happy today
Angry feelings kept at bay
Why do I feel happy; instead of glum
Is it because I am not like my mum?
One is "supposed" to idolise
Their model parent; so critised
What do you do if she did not care
If she did not worry, if she was not there?
If she let you understand; that father was good
He molested you; whenever he could?
And when you told her; putting fears aside
She said "What do you want?" and then let the topic hide?
So instead of helping; she chose to forget
She lived with this monster; mind set
And when you raised the topic; saying something
She yelled and screamed; "It was nothing!!"
When you tried to seek help; shortly after
From professionals; therapists; there was much laughter
And when you chose to run away
It was their parenting that held you at bay
And what do you say; when years pass
You confronted your father; yes at last!
When your mother stood and defended him
For his guilt and for his sin?
What do you say; when she tries to reconcile
With a Christmas card; that is so vile
Nothing mentioned; everything quiet
Only the veiled message; "Do not be defiant"
I will accept you; but only when
You say nothing about your fathers sin
We must be as quiet as a mouse
And not utter a word of evil in the house
What do you do; feeling completely alone
Look at the card; missing home
Realised that home was never there
A fairy tale; where nobody did care?
"It is OK"; it was in the past
As another grandchild; is offered up fast
Sisters living in complete denial
Like their mother, are ever so frail
So finally; I looked at the card
It caused me grief; ever so hard
I picked up the phone; wanting to be heard
And said "How do you live with him" you silly t*rd
For you see; it is many years on
When your kids judge you; they know a con
So maybe I am feeling in a happy way
Because I am not like my mum today
Wrote this one in the middle of the night. Inspired by an event that happened about 3 months ago.
Hearing it say tic, saying toc
I wonder when I will fall asleep
My mind silent, not a peep
I wonder why I felt happy today
Angry feelings kept at bay
Why do I feel happy; instead of glum
Is it because I am not like my mum?
One is "supposed" to idolise
Their model parent; so critised
What do you do if she did not care
If she did not worry, if she was not there?
If she let you understand; that father was good
He molested you; whenever he could?
And when you told her; putting fears aside
She said "What do you want?" and then let the topic hide?
So instead of helping; she chose to forget
She lived with this monster; mind set
And when you raised the topic; saying something
She yelled and screamed; "It was nothing!!"
When you tried to seek help; shortly after
From professionals; therapists; there was much laughter
And when you chose to run away
It was their parenting that held you at bay
And what do you say; when years pass
You confronted your father; yes at last!
When your mother stood and defended him
For his guilt and for his sin?
What do you say; when she tries to reconcile
With a Christmas card; that is so vile
Nothing mentioned; everything quiet
Only the veiled message; "Do not be defiant"
I will accept you; but only when
You say nothing about your fathers sin
We must be as quiet as a mouse
And not utter a word of evil in the house
What do you do; feeling completely alone
Look at the card; missing home
Realised that home was never there
A fairy tale; where nobody did care?
"It is OK"; it was in the past
As another grandchild; is offered up fast
Sisters living in complete denial
Like their mother, are ever so frail
So finally; I looked at the card
It caused me grief; ever so hard
I picked up the phone; wanting to be heard
And said "How do you live with him" you silly t*rd
For you see; it is many years on
When your kids judge you; they know a con
So maybe I am feeling in a happy way
Because I am not like my mum today
Wrote this one in the middle of the night. Inspired by an event that happened about 3 months ago.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Computer Problems
My home pc (where I update the site from) died a number of days ago so unfortunately updating the site has come to a complete halt while I reconstruct my PC and take the chance to upgrade it......
The comment section of this blog is not working either (must be the computer aliens again!!) which is a mystery, and turning it on causes errors. Hopefully Blogger support will come back with the answers to this problem.
My luck has changed for the better though. I started a new job this week, and it seems hopeful plus one of my poems "Little Girl Gone" and a short story "The Owl and the Eagle" will be published. It will be available in June on Amazon and bookstores in Canada. The book focuses on Eating Disorders, and will have a chapter on sexual abuse in relation to eating disorders. It will also feature the "Whitedoves Story" as seen on www.whitedovesnest.com.
With the new job, we will be able to move away from the area I live (close to the abuser) so this will give me a bit more peace of mind
I will post more information on the book, closer to the date of publication.
Whitedove (pulling her hair out at sooooo many computer problems!)
The comment section of this blog is not working either (must be the computer aliens again!!) which is a mystery, and turning it on causes errors. Hopefully Blogger support will come back with the answers to this problem.
My luck has changed for the better though. I started a new job this week, and it seems hopeful plus one of my poems "Little Girl Gone" and a short story "The Owl and the Eagle" will be published. It will be available in June on Amazon and bookstores in Canada. The book focuses on Eating Disorders, and will have a chapter on sexual abuse in relation to eating disorders. It will also feature the "Whitedoves Story" as seen on www.whitedovesnest.com.
With the new job, we will be able to move away from the area I live (close to the abuser) so this will give me a bit more peace of mind
I will post more information on the book, closer to the date of publication.
Whitedove (pulling her hair out at sooooo many computer problems!)
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Just finished the introductory chapter of my memoirs
Finally, I have started. I have been putting it off for a number of years now and have written two other books in preparation for this one. I think with the others I was getting the "hang" of writing a novel length piece and placing a fictional background on it, to ease me into writing.
It sounded great. I am estatic! I am so glad I started. However, I know it is going to be a harrowing experience writing my story down. Hence the reason I have put it off for so long.
I started it at 3AM today. Just could not sleep and had a number of exciting ideas for it, and just started to write.
P.S. Fingers crossed, one of my poems is to be included in a book of poetry for eating disorders. No final go ahead but hopefully something will come of it.
((((hugs)))))
whitedove
It sounded great. I am estatic! I am so glad I started. However, I know it is going to be a harrowing experience writing my story down. Hence the reason I have put it off for so long.
I started it at 3AM today. Just could not sleep and had a number of exciting ideas for it, and just started to write.
P.S. Fingers crossed, one of my poems is to be included in a book of poetry for eating disorders. No final go ahead but hopefully something will come of it.
((((hugs)))))
whitedove
Thursday, March 02, 2006
The Teddy Bear Creed by Whitedove
The Teddy Bear Creed
There was a knock upon the door
The teacher turned around
A smile came to her bright face
Teddies, red, white and brown
Smiley, Ricky Racoon, Duck Rebecca
Walked in with Curly The Quick
Ithaca Bear, Blankie, Sophie
Teddy closing the door with a swift kick
They found their seats in the back
And turned to the board
There was a hush around the room
Their attention not ignored
Now listen closely teddy bears
This is something you all need
For todays lessons boys and girls
Is the Teddy Bear Creed
Molly looked towards the others
For she had not heard
Just what the teacher was talking about
It had never occurred
We teddies have one role in life
It is our overall rule
To listen; to hear; to understand
With the Creed as your tool
Your lifes work is of comfort
To listen to their woes
To understand their grief
And to be there to just know
Whether they be a child
Or an adult in despair
You must understand
Its emotions that we repair
And when they are all alone
And no one seems to care
It is you that will hold their hand
It is you that will be there
When you get quite ragged
And your eyes are falling out
Remember that they need you
Of that there is no doubt
Be there when they are upset
Or in a crying grief
Understand you tell no one
Our silence is their relief
The secrets that they tell you
Are yours to keep indeed
Remember what they say to you
It is want they really need
And when you are looked at
Remember this with pride
That you are the ones
For which their problems hide
So remember boys and girls
When you walk from this class
It is for the comfort
That is all that they ask
The class looked to and fro
For now they all agreed
That today and for tomorrow
They would follow the Teddy Bear Creed
There was a knock upon the door
The teacher turned around
A smile came to her bright face
Teddies, red, white and brown
Smiley, Ricky Racoon, Duck Rebecca
Walked in with Curly The Quick
Ithaca Bear, Blankie, Sophie
Teddy closing the door with a swift kick
They found their seats in the back
And turned to the board
There was a hush around the room
Their attention not ignored
Now listen closely teddy bears
This is something you all need
For todays lessons boys and girls
Is the Teddy Bear Creed
Molly looked towards the others
For she had not heard
Just what the teacher was talking about
It had never occurred
We teddies have one role in life
It is our overall rule
To listen; to hear; to understand
With the Creed as your tool
Your lifes work is of comfort
To listen to their woes
To understand their grief
And to be there to just know
Whether they be a child
Or an adult in despair
You must understand
Its emotions that we repair
And when they are all alone
And no one seems to care
It is you that will hold their hand
It is you that will be there
When you get quite ragged
And your eyes are falling out
Remember that they need you
Of that there is no doubt
Be there when they are upset
Or in a crying grief
Understand you tell no one
Our silence is their relief
The secrets that they tell you
Are yours to keep indeed
Remember what they say to you
It is want they really need
And when you are looked at
Remember this with pride
That you are the ones
For which their problems hide
So remember boys and girls
When you walk from this class
It is for the comfort
That is all that they ask
The class looked to and fro
For now they all agreed
That today and for tomorrow
They would follow the Teddy Bear Creed
Thursday, February 16, 2006
A bit of fun
The maintenance on www.whitedovesnest.com has been finished!!.
Why not add a bit to a poem at http://bigpoem.blogspot.com/
Why not add a bit to a poem at http://bigpoem.blogspot.com/
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Maintenance
I have been performing routine maintenace on my website at www.whitedovesnest.com and taking the opportunity to upgrade programs running behind the scenes to ensure the site keeps in tip top shape.
All should return to normal shortly.
(((((hugs))))
whitedove
All should return to normal shortly.
(((((hugs))))
whitedove
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Stories needed for Supreme Court Case
My response to a petition for The Stop Family Violence Activists Organization is looking for survivors willing to share their story to assist them in fighting the Supreme Court. Please see more information at their website. Bolded is the questions that were asked:
http://www.stopfamilyviolence.org/226 )
By an Anonymous Childhood Sexual Abuse survivor seeking to help in persuading a change to the legal system in the interest of protecting other children
background about the assault(s) that occurred
I was sexually abused by my father in my childhood home for a period of 6 years from the age of 10. Two of my sisters and a childhood friend also confirm they were abused in similar circumstances.
This has caused tremendous effects on myself, family and friends. My childhood was spent
· fearing my father would rape me, touch me or hit me
· hiding under beds and in other areas if I was alone with him
· witnessing domestic violence
· seeking help and not being given it
· protecting other siblings during the abuse
· contemplating suicide
· extremely low self esteem
· panic attacks and general fear of surroundings
· blaming myself for the abuse
· change in personality due to the abuse
In my adult years, the effects have been:
· At least 300 counselling sessions, with 5 different therapists
· Attending two group counselling sessions
· Hospitalisation due to the abuse
· Having to protect children in his presence including nieces
· Losing all my family due to the fact they are unwilling to deal with the situation
· Untold misery and hurt, depression and anxiety
· Relationship breakups
· Anger and denial of the problem
· Numerous family arguments, harassment and anger from family members
· Speaking to the police and retelling my story
· Total breakdown of a relationship with my twin sister, mother and other sisters.
· Witnessing family members being hospitalised due to abuse
· Fear of meeting the abuser in public, shopping centres etc
· Confronting the abuser
· Loss of work days, many sick days during recovery period
· Being unable to continue at one work place due to hospitalisation
· Need for medication at times
· Looking after family members before and after hospitalisation
· Attending therapy sessions with family members
· Wanting to move out of the area I reside due to close proximity to abuser
· Living with the fact that I will not get justice
· Living with the fact that he may do this again to other kids
· Living with the fact that he can now get a “police clearance” due to the fact that this has not been taken to court
· Total of 22 years of being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse
I see there is no justice at this present time for people in my situation without horrific retelling in the court system and facing the abuser and other supporters in court.
• information about the decision to file criminal charges.
Four weeks ago, I spoke to the police in my local area. I was advised by a counsellor at the local Referral Centre that I could file an anonymous letter to the police stating the abusers name and marking it on a police record.
I have not felt comfortable with formally pressing charges at this present time.
I have been advised there is enough evidence to go forward, but the police could not say what sort of sentence he would receive if any. My sisters are unwilling to deal with the situation and would not support any action.
I am currently seeking legal advice at my own expense as to the actions of the courts and whether I should proceed any further
I have been advised there is a 2 year waiting period for a court date and that I would have to testify in full. I am in the process of writing dates/details of the abuse, and this has caused severe emotional upheaval over this four week period.
I have reported him to the police, but as of this moment, have not formally pressed charges due to the fear I am feeling about the court system, penalties and the actual sentence (if any)
I have been advised by friends/associates of penalties that others have received and have not been able to comprehend the light sentences that they have received.
I am no willing to go further, for my abuser to get a short stay in jail, go through two years of heart ache waiting for the court date, put my sisters through absolute turmoil for a light sentence.
• information about your decision to testify in criminal court or not.
I have been advised of the adversarial nature of the courts, and that on the chance that he pleads guilty to the offence that I would not have to attend court. There is a chance he will, but once faced with police and court systems and jail time believe he may change his mind and plead not guilty.
I have yet to formally attend a written statement interview with the police, because of the uncertainty of the court system, uncertainty of how the police will respond and how my family members will respond – perhaps violently.
Specifically, what factors weighed in to your decision?
· Family members not supporting me
· The fact that he may abuse again
· The fact that he may go to jail for only a short period of time, if any time
· The formal court process
· The detail and witnesses I would need to produce
· Horrific court procedure and telling my story in front of the family
· Effects on other family members
· My perception on the lack of justice.
· My lack of detailed memory
Did you discuss your concerns with a victim advocate or prosecutor? How did they respond?
I have had a number of discussions with the police advocate over the phone. It has been a positive experience speaking to the advocate who has advised some of the legal processes, avenues and charges.
She has also advised of the evidence procedure, the interview procedure and advised of the nature of the prosecution itself, and the uncertainty of the verdict.
Talking to the advocate, though positive on her part, has made me think twice about proceeding. I am happy that I have reported him, and have a report number, however, he can still receive a police clearance and possibly harm other children.
I am believing at this time that the court process would be horrific and that I am not needing to spend the next two years in fear and turmoil, possibly putting relationships at risk and personal safety of myself and sisters.
I have been advised by the advocate, that should the abuser seek contact, that I can have a restraining order on him, however, I would have to do this in court again, possibly confronting the abuser to receive a restraining order on him and other family members. I do not believe that this would be a suitable arrangement in my case.
In the end, what did you decide to do about testifying and why?
I have not decided either way at this time. I am feeling that I may not proceed with the legal action, however, this may change in the future and for me there is no deadline or statue of limitations.
The uncertainty of the sentence, the fear, and facing the abuser in court, family reaction and possible confrontations with the abuser make me feel unsafe and uncertain. I am not willing at this time to go through the formal actions, enduring such hardship for the period for a light sentence.
What was the result of your decision in terms of the case moving forward? In terms of you or your family’s safety and well-being?
If I do not press charges and go forward with the formal interview, he still has the ability to work with children and still can carry on as normal. He can receive a police clearance at this given time. I feel a lot of responsibility in protecting others however, facing the turmoil uncertain of what to do.
I believe the well being of all family members involved and their families and children would be harmed through a formal court process. My safety and ability to function is also a consideration.
What was the result of the criminal proceeding?
A report to the police, filed on their computer system for future use.
Do you have any regrets about the decision you made?
I have not made a decision either way, though at this time, due to the nature of the court system, having to testify in horrific detail and facing the abuser in a court situation, with other family being at his side would cause serious harm to my own well being, and that of my relationships with my husband and family members.
At this time, I am not regretting ringing the police and placing a report. However, I feel at a loss, because justice I think in this case has not been served and he is still able to continue on possibly abusing others. This in itself is terrifying for me. Could the whole process not be made easier?
For others reading this story, there is help available.
Please visit http://www.aftersilence.org/ or http://www.brokenspirits.com/, online support groups for rape, sexual abuse, molestation and domestic violence and abuse.
Why not tell your story too??
http://www.stopfamilyviolence.org/226 )
By an Anonymous Childhood Sexual Abuse survivor seeking to help in persuading a change to the legal system in the interest of protecting other children
background about the assault(s) that occurred
I was sexually abused by my father in my childhood home for a period of 6 years from the age of 10. Two of my sisters and a childhood friend also confirm they were abused in similar circumstances.
This has caused tremendous effects on myself, family and friends. My childhood was spent
· fearing my father would rape me, touch me or hit me
· hiding under beds and in other areas if I was alone with him
· witnessing domestic violence
· seeking help and not being given it
· protecting other siblings during the abuse
· contemplating suicide
· extremely low self esteem
· panic attacks and general fear of surroundings
· blaming myself for the abuse
· change in personality due to the abuse
In my adult years, the effects have been:
· At least 300 counselling sessions, with 5 different therapists
· Attending two group counselling sessions
· Hospitalisation due to the abuse
· Having to protect children in his presence including nieces
· Losing all my family due to the fact they are unwilling to deal with the situation
· Untold misery and hurt, depression and anxiety
· Relationship breakups
· Anger and denial of the problem
· Numerous family arguments, harassment and anger from family members
· Speaking to the police and retelling my story
· Total breakdown of a relationship with my twin sister, mother and other sisters.
· Witnessing family members being hospitalised due to abuse
· Fear of meeting the abuser in public, shopping centres etc
· Confronting the abuser
· Loss of work days, many sick days during recovery period
· Being unable to continue at one work place due to hospitalisation
· Need for medication at times
· Looking after family members before and after hospitalisation
· Attending therapy sessions with family members
· Wanting to move out of the area I reside due to close proximity to abuser
· Living with the fact that I will not get justice
· Living with the fact that he may do this again to other kids
· Living with the fact that he can now get a “police clearance” due to the fact that this has not been taken to court
· Total of 22 years of being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse
I see there is no justice at this present time for people in my situation without horrific retelling in the court system and facing the abuser and other supporters in court.
• information about the decision to file criminal charges.
Four weeks ago, I spoke to the police in my local area. I was advised by a counsellor at the local Referral Centre that I could file an anonymous letter to the police stating the abusers name and marking it on a police record.
I have not felt comfortable with formally pressing charges at this present time.
I have been advised there is enough evidence to go forward, but the police could not say what sort of sentence he would receive if any. My sisters are unwilling to deal with the situation and would not support any action.
I am currently seeking legal advice at my own expense as to the actions of the courts and whether I should proceed any further
I have been advised there is a 2 year waiting period for a court date and that I would have to testify in full. I am in the process of writing dates/details of the abuse, and this has caused severe emotional upheaval over this four week period.
I have reported him to the police, but as of this moment, have not formally pressed charges due to the fear I am feeling about the court system, penalties and the actual sentence (if any)
I have been advised by friends/associates of penalties that others have received and have not been able to comprehend the light sentences that they have received.
I am no willing to go further, for my abuser to get a short stay in jail, go through two years of heart ache waiting for the court date, put my sisters through absolute turmoil for a light sentence.
• information about your decision to testify in criminal court or not.
I have been advised of the adversarial nature of the courts, and that on the chance that he pleads guilty to the offence that I would not have to attend court. There is a chance he will, but once faced with police and court systems and jail time believe he may change his mind and plead not guilty.
I have yet to formally attend a written statement interview with the police, because of the uncertainty of the court system, uncertainty of how the police will respond and how my family members will respond – perhaps violently.
Specifically, what factors weighed in to your decision?
· Family members not supporting me
· The fact that he may abuse again
· The fact that he may go to jail for only a short period of time, if any time
· The formal court process
· The detail and witnesses I would need to produce
· Horrific court procedure and telling my story in front of the family
· Effects on other family members
· My perception on the lack of justice.
· My lack of detailed memory
Did you discuss your concerns with a victim advocate or prosecutor? How did they respond?
I have had a number of discussions with the police advocate over the phone. It has been a positive experience speaking to the advocate who has advised some of the legal processes, avenues and charges.
She has also advised of the evidence procedure, the interview procedure and advised of the nature of the prosecution itself, and the uncertainty of the verdict.
Talking to the advocate, though positive on her part, has made me think twice about proceeding. I am happy that I have reported him, and have a report number, however, he can still receive a police clearance and possibly harm other children.
I am believing at this time that the court process would be horrific and that I am not needing to spend the next two years in fear and turmoil, possibly putting relationships at risk and personal safety of myself and sisters.
I have been advised by the advocate, that should the abuser seek contact, that I can have a restraining order on him, however, I would have to do this in court again, possibly confronting the abuser to receive a restraining order on him and other family members. I do not believe that this would be a suitable arrangement in my case.
In the end, what did you decide to do about testifying and why?
I have not decided either way at this time. I am feeling that I may not proceed with the legal action, however, this may change in the future and for me there is no deadline or statue of limitations.
The uncertainty of the sentence, the fear, and facing the abuser in court, family reaction and possible confrontations with the abuser make me feel unsafe and uncertain. I am not willing at this time to go through the formal actions, enduring such hardship for the period for a light sentence.
What was the result of your decision in terms of the case moving forward? In terms of you or your family’s safety and well-being?
If I do not press charges and go forward with the formal interview, he still has the ability to work with children and still can carry on as normal. He can receive a police clearance at this given time. I feel a lot of responsibility in protecting others however, facing the turmoil uncertain of what to do.
I believe the well being of all family members involved and their families and children would be harmed through a formal court process. My safety and ability to function is also a consideration.
What was the result of the criminal proceeding?
A report to the police, filed on their computer system for future use.
Do you have any regrets about the decision you made?
I have not made a decision either way, though at this time, due to the nature of the court system, having to testify in horrific detail and facing the abuser in a court situation, with other family being at his side would cause serious harm to my own well being, and that of my relationships with my husband and family members.
At this time, I am not regretting ringing the police and placing a report. However, I feel at a loss, because justice I think in this case has not been served and he is still able to continue on possibly abusing others. This in itself is terrifying for me. Could the whole process not be made easier?
For others reading this story, there is help available.
Please visit http://www.aftersilence.org/ or http://www.brokenspirits.com/, online support groups for rape, sexual abuse, molestation and domestic violence and abuse.
Why not tell your story too??
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Couple of Harrowing Weeks
After spending a couple of harrowing weeks deciding on what to do about reporting, I feel I am no closer to deciding either way. Though I have reported him formally, I am required to go in for a police interview. I have been given time to think about it, but in the mean time the report stays in the computer system for other police to see, should the need arise. Should he apply for a police clearance (to work with children) this report would have no bearing on its outcome and he would receive one automatically.
Though I am aware of the processes I have been put off by the amount of time it would take to go to court (police advised it would be 18 mths - 2yrs) and the effects it would have on myself and other family members. After the past couple of weeks, I am very aware that even the thought of reporting is beyond mention.
I am required at the police interview to give as much detail as possible, and have been advised to write down as much as I can remember - times, dates, details, what people have said and did, including what they said when I informed them of what had happened. People I have told in the past, and people that have helped me along the way. I have attempted to do this two times now, and have found it extremely triggering, to the point where I have had to stop to recover.
I have been in emotional turmoil for the past couple of weeks. My husband is supportive which ever way I decide, be it reporting or not.
On a good note, I have updated my main site at www.whitedovesnest.com with statistics and a new survivor art gallery. Hope you enjoy the new features.
Thanks for reading.
((((hugs))))))
whitedove
Though I am aware of the processes I have been put off by the amount of time it would take to go to court (police advised it would be 18 mths - 2yrs) and the effects it would have on myself and other family members. After the past couple of weeks, I am very aware that even the thought of reporting is beyond mention.
I am required at the police interview to give as much detail as possible, and have been advised to write down as much as I can remember - times, dates, details, what people have said and did, including what they said when I informed them of what had happened. People I have told in the past, and people that have helped me along the way. I have attempted to do this two times now, and have found it extremely triggering, to the point where I have had to stop to recover.
I have been in emotional turmoil for the past couple of weeks. My husband is supportive which ever way I decide, be it reporting or not.
On a good note, I have updated my main site at www.whitedovesnest.com with statistics and a new survivor art gallery. Hope you enjoy the new features.
Thanks for reading.
((((hugs))))))
whitedove
Monday, January 09, 2006
Thoughts on reporting
It is confronting
That I feel this way
What to do?
What to say?
Why am I scared?
Why just now?
Is it that I live in fear?
Instead of the here and now
Where am I going?
What can I see?
Why did this happen?
Why just me?
Where is the support?
Where do I belong?
Is it just that others
Sing this other song?
I have no idea
I cannot know
I want to know what to do
I want to know where to go
The feeling is overwhelming
The scare inside
I wish I could just walk away
Walk away and hide
That I feel this way
What to do?
What to say?
Why am I scared?
Why just now?
Is it that I live in fear?
Instead of the here and now
Where am I going?
What can I see?
Why did this happen?
Why just me?
Where is the support?
Where do I belong?
Is it just that others
Sing this other song?
I have no idea
I cannot know
I want to know what to do
I want to know where to go
The feeling is overwhelming
The scare inside
I wish I could just walk away
Walk away and hide
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Fear Struck Tonight
Memories of a sexually abused child; 20 yrs on
A small girl lay on her bed
Feeling fear; nothing said
A single teddy is her friend
Just when will it ever end
The single bed in the room
The light shines in from the moon
She looks out her bedroom door
Waiting for fear; horror more
The darkness is all around
She makes not a sound
She feels safe; the door is closed
Nobody but her really knows
She shuts the door out of fear
Her father is close and near
She hopes the door will keep him out
She can do nothing; she cannot shout
Every night she lives in pain
For tonight it may happen again
A noise makes her hyper alert
She crumples; forever hurt
Every night is the same
What does this all really mean
She looks out at the light
A sound gives another fright
She thinks that she is all alone
But she knows now; as she has grown
That there are many with this fear
Many hold this vision near
The memory is here again
Fear strikes; round the bend
Many years from her life
Living horror; living strife
She feels like she is in the room
Twenty years past; it is not soon
The memory is eternally there
But he lives on without a care.
((((((((hugs))))))))))
Bit of an awful night - decided to write a poem to express feelings.
A small girl lay on her bed
Feeling fear; nothing said
A single teddy is her friend
Just when will it ever end
The single bed in the room
The light shines in from the moon
She looks out her bedroom door
Waiting for fear; horror more
The darkness is all around
She makes not a sound
She feels safe; the door is closed
Nobody but her really knows
She shuts the door out of fear
Her father is close and near
She hopes the door will keep him out
She can do nothing; she cannot shout
Every night she lives in pain
For tonight it may happen again
A noise makes her hyper alert
She crumples; forever hurt
Every night is the same
What does this all really mean
She looks out at the light
A sound gives another fright
She thinks that she is all alone
But she knows now; as she has grown
That there are many with this fear
Many hold this vision near
The memory is here again
Fear strikes; round the bend
Many years from her life
Living horror; living strife
She feels like she is in the room
Twenty years past; it is not soon
The memory is eternally there
But he lives on without a care.
((((((((hugs))))))))))
Bit of an awful night - decided to write a poem to express feelings.
Friday, December 30, 2005
A Child at the Beach
Copyright Dec 2005
As she runs along the beach
Her thoughts hurt; out of reach
Her feet dig into the soft sand
She runs; she hides; her life planned
She looks out on the distant sea
Her thoughts lost; where is me?
Why do I have to live this life
The pain cuts like a knife
The buildings stand resolute
Above the beach; their silence mute
The waves crash on the shore below
Her thoughts whirl; everything slow
What would happen; she thought inside
If I just ran to the waves to hide;
If I just let them take me in
If I just let them hide my sin
What would it be like to step away
From this life that held her at bay
To stop the pain and anguish beneath
To belay the misery; internal grief
She continues to run, full speed ahead
Just one step to the right; she's dead
The waves would take her; problems gone
She would not feel the guilt; it is the norm
Why you may ask is she here
Running the beach; terror near
Wanting to end it; wanting to hide
Wanting to take relief in suicide?
Her father molested her for many years
Her father brought forward many tears
Fear was beyond mention; ever there
Back in the car; she knew no care
For she would have to continue on
Hiding, dreading; happiness gone
She would have to deal with her dad
Touching; taunting; eternally sad
For now years on the pain is still there
But now she has found others that truly care
She remembers back; the moment gone
She remembers of this time; forlorn
For if she had taken her life
She would not be a loving wife
Her kids would not be now and here
Others would live with this frightening fear
There would be no tears tonight
She would be forgotten; forever in fright
No one would know what lay beneath
The fear; the awful pain of grief
This poem would not be read to
Spreading the message of grief to you
She would be a tombstone covered in moss
Laying beneath a large wooden cross
Her life forfilled now; many years on
The pain still there, but the horror gone
She worked through what it all meant
And her father now; reported, 100 percent
This poem is inspired by a true story of a young girl (around 12 or so), running along the beach, running from a life of horror, and having to get back into the car with her father, an abuser, and her family, returning to a horror that so many know.
(((((((hugs))))))))
Whitedove
As she runs along the beach
Her thoughts hurt; out of reach
Her feet dig into the soft sand
She runs; she hides; her life planned
She looks out on the distant sea
Her thoughts lost; where is me?
Why do I have to live this life
The pain cuts like a knife
The buildings stand resolute
Above the beach; their silence mute
The waves crash on the shore below
Her thoughts whirl; everything slow
What would happen; she thought inside
If I just ran to the waves to hide;
If I just let them take me in
If I just let them hide my sin
What would it be like to step away
From this life that held her at bay
To stop the pain and anguish beneath
To belay the misery; internal grief
She continues to run, full speed ahead
Just one step to the right; she's dead
The waves would take her; problems gone
She would not feel the guilt; it is the norm
Why you may ask is she here
Running the beach; terror near
Wanting to end it; wanting to hide
Wanting to take relief in suicide?
Her father molested her for many years
Her father brought forward many tears
Fear was beyond mention; ever there
Back in the car; she knew no care
For she would have to continue on
Hiding, dreading; happiness gone
She would have to deal with her dad
Touching; taunting; eternally sad
For now years on the pain is still there
But now she has found others that truly care
She remembers back; the moment gone
She remembers of this time; forlorn
For if she had taken her life
She would not be a loving wife
Her kids would not be now and here
Others would live with this frightening fear
There would be no tears tonight
She would be forgotten; forever in fright
No one would know what lay beneath
The fear; the awful pain of grief
This poem would not be read to
Spreading the message of grief to you
She would be a tombstone covered in moss
Laying beneath a large wooden cross
Her life forfilled now; many years on
The pain still there, but the horror gone
She worked through what it all meant
And her father now; reported, 100 percent
This poem is inspired by a true story of a young girl (around 12 or so), running along the beach, running from a life of horror, and having to get back into the car with her father, an abuser, and her family, returning to a horror that so many know.
(((((((hugs))))))))
Whitedove
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Welcome to Whitedoves Blog
Hi there and welcome to Whitedoves Blog.
With the launch of my website at www.whitedovesnest.com, I found that there is also an interest in a blog exploring sexual abuse and recovery.
I set up Whitedoves Nest and was flabbergasted at the response and number of hits. I am a web designer/IT guru by trade and wanted to set up a professional looking site, which allowed quick updates and additions to the site.
To date I have received many poems, stories, emails, art works and other tid bits that I have put on the site with discretion. I am amazed at some of the talent and strength of both men and women out there and the response that I have received. My thoughts are also with those out there supporting people recovering from childhood sexual abuse, my strength and hopefully understanding will pass on to you.
For me, creating the website has been a tremendous exercise in overcoming fear, and adversity, giving information to others and letting others out there know that they are certainly not alone. There are many survivor sites availabe to explore, and I wanted to add my own.
Today I reported my father for sexual abuse that spanned 6 years or more. I feel a sense of victory in doing this. I know that the journey for me has been long and hard, counselling, groups, trauma, to be able to get to the point where I feel I can cope with reporting and can explore where I can go to first of all seek protection for other children and to gain a sense of justice for the childhood I endured.
I am not sure of the legal process at the moment and have spoken to police and also the Department for Childrens Services about protection for children and the avenues I can take. It has been a long time in coming and I am sure that I am to learn a lot about our legal process, both good and bad.
I hope to keep this blog updated as much as I can. I wish you the best in your journey and hope that this blog can give you a sense of understanding of the issues surrounding sexual abuse and the amazing people that can overcome this tradegy in their lives.
For more information please see my main site at www.whitedovesnest.com
Keep smilin'
Whitedove
Dec 2005
With the launch of my website at www.whitedovesnest.com, I found that there is also an interest in a blog exploring sexual abuse and recovery.
I set up Whitedoves Nest and was flabbergasted at the response and number of hits. I am a web designer/IT guru by trade and wanted to set up a professional looking site, which allowed quick updates and additions to the site.
To date I have received many poems, stories, emails, art works and other tid bits that I have put on the site with discretion. I am amazed at some of the talent and strength of both men and women out there and the response that I have received. My thoughts are also with those out there supporting people recovering from childhood sexual abuse, my strength and hopefully understanding will pass on to you.
For me, creating the website has been a tremendous exercise in overcoming fear, and adversity, giving information to others and letting others out there know that they are certainly not alone. There are many survivor sites availabe to explore, and I wanted to add my own.
Today I reported my father for sexual abuse that spanned 6 years or more. I feel a sense of victory in doing this. I know that the journey for me has been long and hard, counselling, groups, trauma, to be able to get to the point where I feel I can cope with reporting and can explore where I can go to first of all seek protection for other children and to gain a sense of justice for the childhood I endured.
I am not sure of the legal process at the moment and have spoken to police and also the Department for Childrens Services about protection for children and the avenues I can take. It has been a long time in coming and I am sure that I am to learn a lot about our legal process, both good and bad.
I hope to keep this blog updated as much as I can. I wish you the best in your journey and hope that this blog can give you a sense of understanding of the issues surrounding sexual abuse and the amazing people that can overcome this tradegy in their lives.
For more information please see my main site at www.whitedovesnest.com
Keep smilin'
Whitedove
Dec 2005
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