The book

This page is coloured white
For when my life began
And a rosy pink leather
Bound crisp and feathered end

And here on the ornate binding
A turn of a slight happy quill
I read and I write my life
The paper warps against my will

And here on this black page
A memory I dont want to see
And another sitting everywhere
All hidden inside of me

And if I dont remember
Do I just fold those pages away
Feel the thoughts and feelings
But dont remember on this given day

And the green pages are all happy
Because I had forgotten the black ones too
Just pretending they just did not happen
Forgetting what happened to you

And a leather bookmark stands here
Hidden directly in the spot
Of where my life and soul were taken
My life cut, and hidden in lots

And what if someone special
Were to seek out that book
And listen to the pages
Giving you such a hook

And slowly with their help
You turn the pages one by one
Discussing each memory slowly
The black ones, really not that much fun

So here in my book,
I let you see the pages for now
As you turn over the bindings
And furrow your hidden brow

And as we reach the end
It just starts up again
For I have forgotten thoughts
There is never any end

My little girl

Holding your small hand
Seeing your smile
And the laughter in your eyes
I see the love

Running through the fields
Catching butterflies
You are just amazing
A miracle of strength

My little girl
Blonde hair, blue eyes
Me, younger in disguise
Just amazing

Do you see me as your angel

Sometimes messages are cryptic


I waited for the reply
For you see it was a loaded question
He did not see the sky

And as the time slowly trickled past
I watched the words appear
I wonder if he would understand
It was a test I would hold dear

And there in a silent note
And there is a moment in time
I sat there waiting and wondering
It was not really a crime

I just wanted to know
Just curious and wanted to see
For I just wanted to know
His feelings towards me

So here I got a large reply
Not a simple yes or no
For a loaded question
Does not come and go

And the final sentence
Ended with the words of glow
You deserve more,
than a simple yes or no

Submitted this week to Whitedovesnest.com

Care

For ten long years
You endure just utter
Horror and nightmares
A living terror, every day stalking

Captured, by a monster
Trapped, lost and alone
Thoughts of please help me
Wander through your soul

And people say they will help
But you know that it is just
Empty words, a hollow boneless
Nightmare. Alone again

And given false hope
You turn, again hoping
That for some reason
Another will care

And you know deep down
They don't, and someone states
Quite separately what is occuring
And your world tumbles

Into an abyss, for the
Monster gets you again
One who abuses you
And the others who just don't care.

Why

I will never know
I will never understand
I could ask
But just hear some answer, that won't be true

Standing in front of you
Was just some more garbage
For there is no answer
To why

It is just a stage
Those forever ending stages
That really having no meaning
It is just placed on society

For who would talk
About the unspeakable
A young child
Surrounded by such terror

And horror
And the imaginings that you could not endure
And then one day she turns to you
All innocent in her thoughts and understandings

Hoping that she could at least trust someone
And for a while she thinks
Its all ok, and then realises, yesterday
That yes there is no answer to why.

A call backwards in time

You sit down
With your cup of tea
To the left
As you take the
Black phone
In your hand
And you dial the numbers

It rings
Bring Bring
She picks up, the phone looks different
She sits on the divan
Her legs quite not touching the floor
In front of her is the fridge and
All around is the kitchen, 1980's style

"Hello" she says
A silent tear falls down your face
"Hello"
"Hi" you say, you can hear your voices
Are just about the same, one high, one low

"Who are you" she asks
"I am someone who cares" you return
"For me?" she says
And I say Yes - especially for you

And you can hear the sigh of relief
On the other end of the phone
And you say
"I know what he is doing to you"
"I know what you have tried to do"
And your eyes are steadily getting fogged
Tears running and running

You can hear her crying on the other end of the phone
"Oh mummy, he does such bad things"
"But I protect my sister and yesterday, I made her
Pony tails in her hair. We played out side
It is not so bad after all"

And you know what horror she is enduring
And you know the pain she is going through
And that tonight or today, she must face
A rapist at every corner

But for just this phone call, you know she is safe,
Talking to you on the other line
And your hand starts to tremble
You can hear her thoughts

"Can you be my mummy? and take me away"
And you wish you could
But you know all you can do
Is say - good bye and "I love you"
And as you silently hang up the phone
A call backwards in time
To my own childhood.

A day....

Cry
For the phone is ringing
You pick it up
You hear the crying on the other end
She speaks of another
Who she thinks is badly hurting
She starts crying again
She mentions cutting
She is concerned about suicide
Cry
Something bad has happened
And you sit there listening to the person crying
Supporting them as they support another
Do you want to be there
Be prepared for what the tell you; you say
She speaks of the fright
Scare
She starts crying
You say call back any time
A day in the life of a suicide line volunteer

A Boy looking after Teddy Bears

In the middle of the forest
There is a boy
Looking after a teddy bear
There is not a sound

He is crouched
Wondering what to do
For the teddy bear
Has lost its leg

And tears fall down his face
Sewing the leg back on
The teddy bear now whole
He thinks; I must go to sewing school

And off to sewing school he goes
Learning, toiling, late nights
Hitting the books, tests, libraries
Meeting others who sew

Forever striving, to helping
Teddy bears in the moonlight
Taking its time,
Learning bit by bit, the cotton
The needle and the yarn

And finally on graduation
From the sewing school
He realises
It is time to sew again

In the middle of the forest
There is a boy
Looking after a teddy bear
There is not a sound




Sometimes a piece of paper means nothing. My first experience with work, I was dumbfounded at how much they don't actually teach you.

A shark tank

A shark tank.



A little girl
In the middle of the ocean
Hand raised in the air
Drowning, for she cannot swim
Sees a shark below
Circling
She gets bitten, her toe gone
She calls out, but no one there to help her
She cries, and cries, prays to God
Please, please help me, praying for a boat
Fear, fear, fear of the shark
Bellows through her mind.

A small boat, comes in the distance
A sail boat, with big white masks
And a hand grabs her, solidly
And lifts her into the boat

And she is bleeding, and crying and shaking
All because of the shark,
And the boat captain ignores her, and she continues bleeding
They sail to the docks and she bleeds

No one speaks to her, for sharks are taboo
No one likes sharks, lets not talk about it
And still she bleeds, her toe gone
But no one sees it, it is gone and forgotten, never talked about

It must be her fault, she decides. My toe is gone
I enticed the shark, the shark could find no one else to bite
So it was her fault. She did not get away fast enough
It is her fault. The teeth were big, it is my fault

She bleeds, her toe gone, scared, she sees shark pictures
In the shop, and ignores it.
Memories of the shark come to mind
She screams at the mirror, for it reminds her of the shark
And finally she folds. She is told, that in order to recover, she must

Visit a shark tank

Oh my GOD, she thinks, not a shark!
No one has much worried about the shark
Or spoken as yet, but not a tank! and she calls ahead, trying to get to goldfish
Goldfish would be easy to see, they wander around the tank, but they are not sharks
Sharks, bite my toe, but she cannot get away, she is folding, the shark is the only way

or so she is told

And she sits there, on the benches near the shark tank looking at the shark
And she starts to remember the shark.
Remembering the attack.
Remember how no one helped her. Lost and alone.
Even losing the connection to life itself
How she felt "different" because she was the shark's victim

Her stomach aches. She walks away for a while. But she can speak to no one

And the next time, she walks over to the tank, places her hand beside it
And the shark, glides by. Screaming, her toe starts bleeding and she
Runs away, because that shark is not getting her again
And she thinks of a machette next time, her thoughts invested in harming the shark

And the shark tank is taken away, and she is left stuck. Her toe bleeds

And she goes about her business. Remembering the shark tank.

It plays on her mind, day in and day out. She picks up the phone, and dials the circus, for where is the shark tank now?
And it is around, just another location and she travels, visiting again
Angered, for the shark disappeared, she wanders up to the shark, and screams at it
The shark glides by on the other side of the tank, saying nothing

Her heart lurches forward, and she has memories, and thoughts of her shark attack.
Her toe bleeds. She gets told, the shark will always get you.
And above the shark tanks reads the sharks name, but she cannot see it
And finally, a cricket bat appears from no where

And she sits there on the bench, with bat in hand, ready to attack, ready to break the shark out of the tank
Ready, to kill it wear it stands. Killing it, knowing she can do it. With that bat in hand she walks up
And takes a violent swing. And before, it hits the glass. She stops. The bat falls to the floor.

Her toe bleeds. She sits on the bench crying, a deep soulful cry. She is just not like that.

And she looks up, and from the clouds, a ray of sunshine appears, lighting up the sign, above the
Shark tank.

And glinting past the shark tank, at an angle, a red and white sign hangs. He is called Toothless.
And was no harm to anyone.

And her toe stopped bleeding.

23 March 2010

Avatar

Did you see it flutter

Did you see it fly

That little floating plant

Like a dandoline cry

And as it drifted

And landed all around

Did you see the next one

Touch the ground

And then another

And another still

Until it covers your body

All at will

The lovely plants

Attracted to your body's delight

Because they know

You are a messiah of might

And then in a whisper

I forget my pain

I notice the dandolines

Around you again

And I put down my anger

And I put down my rage

For together I know

We are on the same page

So come bond with me

Come and understand life

Surrounded by such loveliness

Forgetting our strife

Come fly with me

Come see the sights

I will show you everything

Including my life

Inspired by the movie.

Sweet Revenge

I saw the hospital in the distance
Parking the car behind
As the sun shone
Through the summer days

And I walked through the doors
The lifts on the right I rode
Them to the upper floors
As I had been summoned

This sickness of a man
Summoned me to his beside
And there he sat
Shrivelled, old man on his bed

And just before his dying day, and his last breath
Just before he was to meet his maker,
Whomever that may be,
I pushed aside the hospital curtain

Please forgive me he said
And I had flashbacks of my child hood
Extremeness of the inhumanity
The thoughts of how many children

That this peodophile had terrorised
Day in day out, they lived in fear
And I knew what I had to say
I knew that I could not lie

And from somewhere deep within me it started
And from somewhere it came
The howl of a soul, many souls injured
The screaming so that the hospital staff would hear

And it lasted about 20 mins
Until the nurses took me away
The drs would need to sedate him
And all the nursing staff knew

Know that he was forever not at peace
Know I knew he would reside
That hell would be his salvation
And I walked out of the hospital with pride

Sunlight Rays

Goodness knows what I was doing
Goodness knows what I actually said
I just have no recollection
Of what was going through my head.

I had just decided to say one thing
Just something there quite safe
Just something that would not worry me
Something not to give me grief

And so I just said memories
And out it all just came
I just said it there just quietly
It just felt like a little game

A little girl lost
These memories in her head
All swirling around
Unable to think around them instead

And though I did not tell the memory
I just wanted you to know
That there was just a lot of them
Not just one or two, to show

And then I remembered who I was telling
And I asked if you were ok
It is awful to hear such violence
Told easily from a sway

And I have not felt the crash as yet,
I have been happy here for days
You were right a number of months back
Releasing this gives the sunlight rays.

Here is a Love Poem

Did your heart just skip a beat
Did I just make you angry
For you see, I need to feel like this
To face, what I do
This level of closeness
Feeling and warmth
Trigger such fear
I feel love
To listen to horror
And to know you are safe
To say what I say and
Hope that it is right
And to listen in
The way you just want
It all takes Love

To sit next to you
Hold you hand
Take care of my needs
Knowing what is to come
Not even perhaps knowing
Who you even are
You even scaring me at times
It all takes love
Trust and love
What have they done
For I do not know
I stand on the abyss of
Unknowing
Trusting you can tell me
In time and I can listen
That I care enough

May you love me in the same way
For I missed the simple love of a father
May you find it within you
To love me

Shining on us

Shining on us

In a silent little bay
I spy you
All alone
With a light shining on us

I smile as I whisper
On my breath
And my voice
Carries to you, softly

Can I just be here
And enjoy the light
Surrounded by this safety
Just for a while

And I see a sea shell
I bend over and pick it up
And it whispers the ocean
Saying your name from far away

And the playground is calling to me
But I stay, because you are all alone
And I calm down, and enjoy the scene
As the sun sets over the ocean

The light shines on us from above
And it slowly disappears
And the sun sets
And we walk arm and arm
Leaving our troubles to the wind

Nearly one year

For nearly one year
I have had this memory
I cannot discern it
I do not know what it is
I cannot figure it out
I cannot tell if it is true
I could be wrong
I know I was in the area
I can see it as I write this
And for nearly a year it has churned
Turned over in my mind
That can't be true, my face turns awful
And when I remembered it
I prayed I could take the pain
I prayed that I would not just end it
Was that me?
Then the logic came in
Could that have happened
No surely not
A father could not do that to a child
I was older
What is this memory
It must not be right
What if it is right
What is there to come?
It makes me sick at night
It turns over and over
I cry myself to sleep
And then try to forget
And then realise
That it could have happened
And all I can do, is hold on to someone close
And tell them not to tell.

But I Am Your Voice

I know you are probably crying
Alone, not knowing what to do
Having no one to turn to
And not understanding what is happening

Confused, lost, unknown and unseen
Curled away and forgotten
The darkness of the room
Alone, looking out the window with no hope in sight

Listening, praying but no God there
To help in the slightest way
A bang on the door
Or a glimmer of hope, to be stolen at any moment

Looking at his sick face daily
Seeing the disgust; being touched
Living with evil
A nightmare on every turn

I know you don't know me
And would not acknowledge me in the crowd
But I am your voice
Where you will be, once he is gone.

Be strong, tonight may be dark and the footsteps loud
But he can never destroy you
For I am here, waiting, your future self
Writing slow tales of the horror you endured.

Feel safe knowing I am here
Keeping you kind
Getting you help
And holding you as you cry




This poem has been a long time coming.

I will go back

A path with a rock
Eyes stare at night
A fence to the side
Horror, a new memory such delight

How could I have forgotten
This area again
And now I write this poem
To remember back then

Lets discover this memory
For I don't know what it be
I am thinking to stop
Because it is within me

Take a deep breath
I see the eyes
My memory haunts me
Its has its little spies

There is garden
I am a little girl
He is teaching me something
A little girl to unfurl

Covered by the road
Innocence all around
My memory is just lost
It is not going to be found

What is he doing
Is he even there
I know we have visited this space
Nobody was even there

My window in the back,
The hose to the side
Lets turn off the tap
The horror about to ride

Lets step off the ledge
And see what he has done
Because together
This freak has not won

Deep breath once more,
Lets return back then
Close our eyes silently
Lets begin to win again

Block out the noise
And see this place
What has he done
In utter disgrace

Here it is
I am seeing it now
My god that was frightening
That cannot be real, and how.

I must have made that up
That cannot be true
I am sorry to disturb you
I will go back to feeling blue



Memories are sometimes too traumatic to remember. It is easier to forget.

Everything is Easy, Nothing is Tough

A little girl, walks and sits down
She sees the computer, and sits with a frown
The fear rises still, what does she do?
She can't even turn it on, life feeling blue

She turns to the teacher, a girl like her
Who explains there's a switch, thoughts do concur
And she teachers her programming, she gives her a prize
And finally an honour award, little girl wide eyes

And so, this sparks an interest, the little girl bright
To understand daily with all her might
To take those courses, to sit there and understand
That perhaps; she too could teach computers handstands

And as she studies, she gets carried away
The little girl loves helpdesk, training and programming away
And as she learns; she dreams of yesterday
When she will get her first job, computers that way

For years she toils, learning fast
Hoping that one day the computers she will last
Nightly she sees; the reports by day
Her dreams are forever etched, caught in the sway

She finds her first job, after a search for a while
And then continues on, her life such a smile
She climbs up the ladder, she runs with a glow
She is paid quite well, others come to know

She does a project, one or two
She implements a website, used by me and you
And finally her thoughts turn so abroad
Surely a job overseas, is going to be scored?

For who would have imagined that years ago
A female computer teacher could start such a know
So we thank that teacher who became a mentor
She has helped many businesses, libraries and more

And now as you read this poem, you may not understand
Why it is included, in this job application in hand
For your see, I wanted to explain
That dreams are real and love is at hand

So remember tommorrow ; remember today
That regardless what you do; regardless what you say
If you have a dream, if you are inspired enough
Everything is easy and nothing is tough

Love Makes You Listen

You don't know how she got your number
You are sure it was time ago
That little girl in pigtails
Her arms folded, as you know

Her little freckles stand out
A little nose, under her eyes
The solid blue staring out at you
Startling diamonds in the sky

She calls you every now and then
As you drive, and as you go
She softly whispers to you
About her life of rainbows

She is in a world of wonder
Her bubbles full of delight
The music of harmony surrounds her
A melody of rhyming tonight

She loves her little chocolates
And watching her tv shows
Goodness knows you love her dearly
To listen to what you have to know

For this little 10 year old
Calls you every now and again
Just while you sit and do your work
Writing with your fountain pen

You rarely see her,
You don't know who she is of late
You have seen pictures
All you know is she lived with a monster hate

And there is a little silence
You don't know what is wrong
You just know something has happened
It is written in her song

And as you hear the tears
And as you remember her age
She starts this horror cry again
Her soul crying to you; a horror rage

"I've been raped" she screams at you
Over and over again
Her tears are lost in your soul
The crying of terror, from way back when

And as you listen softly
Her crying continues on
You just whisper a few short words
And the horror is just gone

The dial tone is finished
You cannot believe what you have heard
All you know is today
She is reliving memories of whats occurred

And what of the little girl
What happens to her now
She just relives the memories
And calls you once in a while

That little girl of 10
Whispers out to you
Listening to her today
You return to your work blue

Thank you to all the supporters who listen to these calls from children and adults, whether it be on telephones, counselling rooms, as a social worker or other professional or a person who cares.