Not that hard to find

Things are fully strange and weird
And everythings not there quite right
They are all there left of centre
Displayed and quite full of fright

And it just seems like a full on nightmare
Searching through rooms and rooms
Looking for no one that is there
Not finding you through all the doom

And someone is following me around
Its called a thought of screaming denial
All dressed up in pretty flowing ribbons
Calling out through love and running fruit trials

And houses are there out of whack
And animals not joined together quite full steam ahead
And outside thoughts toss over in my mind
And everything is very wrong instead

And everybody sits there and waits
While the denial just sorts through my mind
For the truth is always out there
Its really not that hard to find.

When the World Would Prefer Silence

Submitted by Casey - a survivor


She speaks when the world

Would prefer silence

Words stumble

Over her tongue, teeth, lips

memories

Tears act as barriers

To both her speech and hearing

The world avoids emotions



Glares given because

she is the breaking

the cyclic silence

Generations old

do not help her pain



Sad eyes connecting to mouths

From which weighty “I’m sorry”s escape

Harming more than helping her

Eternally unable to take away

Or nullify

The violations of his hands

Unwanted, and wandering

the frozen body

Of a woman unsure of why

Her friend is betraying her

As her tears stream

And she whimpers in pain

A hand covers her mouth

From which noise escapes



The kisses neither he nor she

cared about end

As has his imminent touching ensues

He lowers her garments swiftly

And forces his entrance through

Her private gates



Deeply his hands penetrate

Carving swelling paths

To deeper pain

She is the victim of subterfuge

Lies awake

Her body is sleeping in shock

She manages to whisper “stop” into

The hand arresting her mouth



The perpetrator holds down her wrists

And presses himself hard on

Her weak and quiet body

As he speaks the words

“You’re okay”

Like the crimes committed

Were not meant “that way”

Silence overcomes

The pained whisperer

The subterfugist pins her down

And tears fall towards the ground

Silence is overcoming

As the dominant man heaves breaths

On the forced sub-missive’s face



The broken woman feign’s sleep

And the breaker moves away

It is the beginning of a second day

Of which the first never ended

And now pain overrides her

And she cannot speak

Of the atrocities he committed

which harmed her

For hours or more

After the havoc wreaking

Monster disappeared

From her bedroom floor



When the silence is broken

By a stuttering text

To a friend

Tears flowed again

Sent to somewhere safe to be

A place where words could escape

Without fear of increased

Induced pain



The silence is breaking

With each word escaping

Stumbling over her tongue, teeth, lips

And Memories of horrible

Atrocities



She speaks when the world

Would prefer she kept silent

Regretting the whispers

Of “This happened to me”

And wishing her heart could believe

Her mind as it screams

“What happened to me was not my fault”

“What happened to me was not my fault”

“What happened to me was not my fault”



.(Thanks to StaceyAnn Chin for inspiration in the last lines).

Lean on Me

Ice Tear Drop

She sits alone near the lake

Once happy here

The seasons change

And it is surrounded

By dead trees

And frosted nights

She revisited

In hopes, that the

Lake had unfrozen

That the waters shone again

But all that was left

Was her tear drop

Sliding across the ice.

Deep breath

Time taken to write a story
Words carefully spoken outloud
Hidden silent within times spaces
A hidden frown, a nightmare finally said so proud

One key typed after another
Depicting a horror nightmare to unfold
Something that was to be visited
In nightmares, in visions, in turmoil, untold

Alone, frightened and suddenly fearful
This is not supposed to happen; especially to me
The sickening memory to stay with us
Shared silently; here let it be

And really there is nothing that can be done,
Apart from share it hear amongst friends
Describe the horror so eloquently
A silent tear drop, the weight carried as it ends.

Hero

In those million grains of sand

I wonder if you still think about me
As I sit here and listen to our song
The one you did not know was ours
Staring at numbers on a lonely street
Sitting across from a cafe that you
Will never see
Embarking in something
You will never know about

Did I really scare you that much?
That you could not call out my name
That you would rather run
Than cross this road with me

There is truth
There is such a thing as love
May you find your cloud
And may you find your crystal
Within those million grains of sand

Masks

DNA

Girl with flower
Wanders
Across
The park
Green fields of grass
To the tower
Of stairs
Looking up
Sees
The tall building
In the clouds
Trees
Step by step
She climbs
Around and around
Taking your hand
"Here it is"
She says
To you
And as you look in wonder
You turn
as you both reach the top
Surrounded in wonder
And she reaches out
And gives you a flower
Hand in hand
Gazing out
Over the river
Joined by the crisscross
Of dna and a hug

Little Girl Running

Running silently from the classroom
Little girl crying with sudden tears
A quiet little sentence
In amongst the bullies fears

He passed it to me slowly
I was a little blonde girl all of eight
Swinging on my chair in the teachers room
As she did the sums and spellings all of late

And he looked at me so solemnly
The quiet boy in the room
I had been watching him for a while
But really had not noticed him so soon

And in this little note was how
He was living here of late
Of how this person was visiting him
And doing things of horror and hate

And as I read and read
Of what this note contained
I realised why this boy was silent
The horror deeply ingrained

And swinging back on my chair
More horror yet to come
A slow tear began to trickle
And I got up from my seat and began to run

The other side of the playground
And there I began to shake and cry
The sheer horror the boy had gone through
The silence was all he could but try

And there is nothing I can really tell you
Apart from I went home from school early that day
And in the night time darkness,
My little teddy bear comforted me all the way

The Black Room

Door closed
Wooden footsteps
Heaven knows
Pick a petal
Solid wall
Scary noise
Feeling small
And then she comes
Little girls
Seeing summer
Forever whirls
Spinning constantly
Seeing ghosts
Picks a posy
Knocking posts
She asks you questions
Makes you mad
Pokes her tongue
You are sad
You move about
And get so lost
Wondering why
Hidden moss
Room is dark
Fans awhirl
She picks flowers
Pretty swirl
In the floor
Plants them slowly
Forever more
And pats them down
Sings a tune
To the moon
Dancing slowly
Darkness light
Taking care
Hidden delight
And you realise
The hidden goal
You are both
Within his soul

Sandra - Survivor Video

Remembered

Alone she waits
A soft wind blows
She takes out her
Yellow flower
And blows kisses
As the petals
Float to the wind
Softly drifting
Over the waves
She knows
You are there
She waits
For she knows
A prayer
That you made
Will be remembered

Just Silence in my tears

In the house
With a monster
Living every day
Lost and alone
Curtains blue
Home to soon
Dashes, hides
More curtains
Abuse everywhere
No feelings
Lost
Crying but cannot cry
For what if he hears
Footsteps down
The hall
Don't stop
Don't come in
Please, please
Praying
Don't come in
The continuing forward
Praying for someone
To take you away
Some handsome prince
But
They fade
There is no one there
Just silence in my tears

Scared of Basketballs

A while back, when my hair was blonde
A basketball hurt me, above and beyond
I was left mentally scarred, scared to my knees
Of basketballs, of courts, and of cheerleaders flees

And do you know quite casually, how often they appear,
I cannot get rid of them, and this awful dreadful fear
I just remember just what that basketball did
And how just after it, from basketballs I hid

The courts they send me into complete agony and fear,
Looping out of control, I cannot get near
And the lines they mix, altogether it seems
The memories of the hospital, the hits, I am not so keen

So I stayed away for years, not wanting that court
Not wanting to be near, no way, no ought,
And now what goes and happens, there is something that comes too
I have to sit there next to a basketball court, watching my daughter with you

And as the memories surface, from that time before
When the lines mixed together, when I felt so sore
When it becomes clear, when unknown what to do
I sit here staring at the basketball court, unknown by you

And thus far, I have run, hiding away
Not going near the basketball court, unknown what to say
And when I get too close, it starts again
Confronting I take off, fear knows that grin

And really no one knows, that I have such a fear
That I cannot live within a distance of the basketball clear
And I will continue to write, for I am unknown what to do
Just how do I get over the fear - I will leave it up to you.

A nice person?

Across the hardened surface
With lines that etch my face
And many a time played on them
And my story hidden with grace

I see you there coming
Unknown whom you are
Why do I feel a connection?
Trying desperately not to go far

And here is a simple question
Something that is of common place
They ask just a little detail
Drawing closer at their own pace

But what if my life imitates
Just what I grew up in
And this "nice person" again
Is a monster, with a hidden sin

Not again, that little girl cries
Fear again making her run
Silence just a golden moment
Stomach showing fear, sickness, no fun

So as you sit and look
You just hid your feelings within
Waiting for just the right moment
When maybe you can let that nice person in.



A subconsious comparison I always make - is this new person like him? The level of fear is HUGE. A new person today ask me to share something that would lead them to this site. I went silent....I am waiting for the right moment...just to see what they say.

Things I have gotten in the past:

Walking away
This is a confronting site
I could not read it
Amazing
People no longer speaking to me
Anger and frustration
Screams
Wonderful responses
Tears
People reading this site without my permission which devestated me
People adding their own story
Other assorted comments
"Im sorry"

I am always surprised at the responses. I have told many.

The book

This page is coloured white
For when my life began
And a rosy pink leather
Bound crisp and feathered end

And here on the ornate binding
A turn of a slight happy quill
I read and I write my life
The paper warps against my will

And here on this black page
A memory I dont want to see
And another sitting everywhere
All hidden inside of me

And if I dont remember
Do I just fold those pages away
Feel the thoughts and feelings
But dont remember on this given day

And the green pages are all happy
Because I had forgotten the black ones too
Just pretending they just did not happen
Forgetting what happened to you

And a leather bookmark stands here
Hidden directly in the spot
Of where my life and soul were taken
My life cut, and hidden in lots

And what if someone special
Were to seek out that book
And listen to the pages
Giving you such a hook

And slowly with their help
You turn the pages one by one
Discussing each memory slowly
The black ones, really not that much fun

So here in my book,
I let you see the pages for now
As you turn over the bindings
And furrow your hidden brow

And as we reach the end
It just starts up again
For I have forgotten thoughts
There is never any end

My little girl

Holding your small hand
Seeing your smile
And the laughter in your eyes
I see the love

Running through the fields
Catching butterflies
You are just amazing
A miracle of strength

My little girl
Blonde hair, blue eyes
Me, younger in disguise
Just amazing

Do you see me as your angel

Sometimes messages are cryptic


I waited for the reply
For you see it was a loaded question
He did not see the sky

And as the time slowly trickled past
I watched the words appear
I wonder if he would understand
It was a test I would hold dear

And there in a silent note
And there is a moment in time
I sat there waiting and wondering
It was not really a crime

I just wanted to know
Just curious and wanted to see
For I just wanted to know
His feelings towards me

So here I got a large reply
Not a simple yes or no
For a loaded question
Does not come and go

And the final sentence
Ended with the words of glow
You deserve more,
than a simple yes or no

Submitted this week to Whitedovesnest.com