Alexias Morris

Poem Instruction:

Alexias Morris - You're worst person in the world. Said like you dread. Alexiaaaaaaas Morrrrrrris (thump your hand - Its Alexias Morris you are writing about) Alexias Morris Poem She was but a fragment of mind Helped me get out of a bind It was not really what she said By how I took there and hid She was Alexias Morris Yes, Alexias Morris Played a scrabble moonlight Ever feeling so tight Her voice was so high pitched She was but a miss She was Alexias Morris You wanted to watch However it seemed to be squashed Wanting to count But forever she mounts She was Alexias Morris You had such a test It seemed like a mess You wondered what's best She was like the rest She was Alexias Morris And when you were so upset She gave not a rest She was just not there She would not but care She was Alexias Morris You wondered if you Were feeling so blue Were you turned back the front Not caring; it was just her stunt She was Alexias Morris And out of a dream Came this poem so mean You wish you could count 1234 It was but a doubt She was Alexias Morris I know I've been mean Making her scream Turning her inside and out Making her shout She was Alexias Morris So when you see her devine She keeps on your mind Back the front to your own Just remember this poem You've met Alexias Morris And she might be your clone. Alexias Morris Alexias Morris

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She is but...

 She can sense it coming

That doom spreading in her body

She is but 12, the age of change

She can see the comet

Coming towards her

Dashing through the sky

In 20 years

She sees it daily

She reports it

To her local authority

‘She is but 12”

They say

And on that day

They are condemning

The human race.

Art Show

While No One Was Watching Survivors of child sexual abuse in art exhibit on this silent epidemic A national tragedy and a health epidemic of shocking proportions are going unnoticed by the media and unaddressed by Americans and our institutions. One in six boys and one in four girls will be sexually abused before age eighteen. “500,000 babies born in the U.S. this year will be sexually abused before 18 if we do not prevent it.” -Darkness to Light organization Sexually-abused girls grow up three times more likely to become drug addicts. Children who’ve been abused generally have higher rates of teen pregnancy, sexually-transmitted disease, depression, hostility, and difficulty forging close relationships. Unbeknownst to most Americans, April is both National Child Abuse Prevention Month, and National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. To bring attention to those observances, the International Agency for Minority Artists Affairs presents, “While No One Was Watching,” a group art exhibit to give voice to the silent epidemic of child sexual abuse.


More info at http://iamaagroupartshow-cbchapelle.blogspot.com.au/

Ice creams are only for Angels

Wandering, through the shopping center
She picks a little flower from the
Garden floor
She wanders up to the stall owner
Near his clown trailer, to play
"Win a prize, Win a prize" he says
"Win a prize, win a prize" he says

And you watch, from a distance
In a dream, not really paying much attention
Studying the flower in her hand
You turn your back, if for an instant
And you notice the clown, once
Content, now his face is a tear

Watching the little girl
You have seen her drop the flower
Play with the bottom of her skirt
Twirl and dance away
Lost in her vision,
As she plays and plays

Watching the clowns as they spin
Back and forth, their face stuck
In an internal rhythm
Back and forth
Back and forth

And as you watch her
Twirl, Where are her friends?
She is alone
And in a blink of an eye, your downward gaze
She is gone; the clown sad and lost

And there she is
Screaming, blonde, crying
Tears streaming down her face
Her mother
Crying.

"Where is my daughter"
"where is my daughter"

The clown disappeared, and all you can describe
Is the face, and his tear
And the van
But the precise moment, your
Downward gaze, moved
You were a stranger, watching a girl, dance

And you wander away
Not knowing what to do
For really you can only describe
The simple scene
And remember this
As, Icecreams are only for Angels

Skateboarding the Nullarbor

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The Snow Flake

Soft; it rides the wind
So chrystaline does it shine
A tear from heaven

The sun dips slowly
Rotating forward; it dies
Drifts through the mountain

The snowflake lifts fine
And moves slowly on her palm
Sitting upright tall

She touches it fast
The flake folds in her soft hand
Dying, the girl cries

Comparing the flake
To her internal sadness
Melts slowly inside

Never dies

They sit on the pond
Two ducks
Across the lilypad
Backs turned
Unspoken

Invisible net
Not speaking
Silence dwells beneath
The two birds
Stern, the lady
Crosses her wings
Defiant

Silent; the male duck
Is apart, wondering
What did I do?
And there is rainfall
And snow
The pond is frozen

Still they stand
Separate
Different ends of the pond
The distant fights gone
"Stay at your end"
The long ago anger
Disappated
For what is left to say

A hunter
Sees the two ducks
And knows
That he has but one shot
With the two ducks
On the pond
The season is here

Which one does he choose?
He wonders as he sets up the shot
One in daylight
One by a tree
Does it matter which one?

The hunter does not why
He sees the female through the
Guns sights
Slowly; slowly raises and aims
Laying back
He waits

The male duck
Here's but a noise from the
Waters edge
Unknown
He has not seen the hunter
The female
Not knowing
Not seeing for her back is turned
Hears the rustling softly by

Anger, she says
She turns around to confront the duck
Aiming at him
Anger amasses from her
The male duck is moving she thinks!

And across the pond
She flies
As he flies towards her
His journey different
And just when she realises
Why
She hears it
A shot
In the distance

And the piercing cry
Of the bullet
As it strikes through her heart
And pierces his, trying to save her.


Love never dies.

Most beautiful heart

Came across this the other day...

The Spoon Theory

Link to The Spoon Theory. Interesting short story


http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/

Awareness Article

Awareness Article in Dolly Australia with links on where to go for help and helplines.

Dolly is a popular young teens magazine and website, published for many years in Australia, creating awareness of sexual assault in Australia, with links and stories about the topic.

Congratulations to Dolly for bringing forward awareness of the topic in Australia in their well known magazine.


Link to article "I was sexually assaulted" outlining reality of abuse by stepfather.

http://dolly.ninemsn.com.au/girltalk/realityreads/8427580/i-was-sexually-assaulted

Song

You can't chase the sun

You cant chase the sun
If you are the moon
You cannot run forward
The earth is too soon

For their stands beneath
This unwritten law
Not sure what it is
But it knows the score

And the moon circles around
Its dark side all lost
We see it again
Not paying the costs

And there is the earth
It is attracted to
But it cannot follow the sun
It circles like you

And what can it do
Apart from going on
Effecting the earth
Its tide ever so strong

And some planets have more
Than this little moon
Nothing remarkable
Its getting dark soon

And just when its all
Going so bad
The moon raises it head
And its really not sad

For looking down,
It sees the telescopes
Earths occupants stare
At the moons lovely slopes

And so you see
The man on the moon
Everyone can feel the sun
But looks at you always soon

A stepping stone
The moon rotates
We are all here
In its funny shapes

Its battered and buried
Taking all of the fear
And disappears quick
As the sun comes so near

So when you realise
While the sun is so harsh
The moon has been there
And taken the comets; protecting at last

A horse

A horse

Lets find a place
Where the horses do go
To carry their load
Walking to a fro

And here is one
Saying his peace
Wandering what to do
Waiting at least

And he has carried his load
Too much before
His masters all lost
He's paid the in the law

Making plans for the future
When the past was dead
Wanting to move forward
Moving ahead

He has moved onto pastures
Seeing the green
Passing over his losses
He's stopped being so mean

And there in the distance
The horse will play
For its another sun rise
On this summers day.

Fright Lost

Violins play
Piano notes
I cannot go on
With this sudden pain
The past is history
Moving on
Its gone on too much
I can never stay here
Lost, alone
Again and again
Even though I wish I could stay
I am gone
Hands up
I am alone
Years gone
Forward again
Past is past
Forgetting the pain
Packing my bags
Writing my notes
The saddness will go
The tears will disappear
And finally fright lost
Someone else will appear.

Too late for dirt

The ocean creeps up on the door,
A tear drop falls, near the floor
A little girl crying, a flood of life
Her day a mess, her heart a stife

And she clings to the little dolly
And sucks again on her winter lolly
Seeing in the distance a man of worth
Buried, lying solidly in the earth

And in the mornings she wakes with nightmares
Of thoughts, of hate, of all her hidden scares
And as she sits and shakes, and the symbols play
Its yet another life, yet another frightful day

And all these men, all the same
Playing some type of weird game
She clings to her dolly, once more here
Not knowing when she will be safe, ever near

And she walks into the ocean, dolly in hand
Leaving her life behind, a little hair strand
And no one will ever know how much it all hurt
For her daddy treated her like dirt.

Melbourne, Australia Art Event

sexual abuse pain creativity well being

no longer watching

from behind the curtain



beautiful mosaics created by women

exploring creativity transformation beauty

31 January- 28 February 2012

Queen Victoria Women’s Centre

210 Lonsdale Street Melbourne VIC 3000





EXHIBITION DETAILS

Queen Victoria Women’s Centre Gallery

8.30am to 5.00pm, Monday to Friday

P: (03) 8668 8100

E venues@qvwc.org.au

W: www.qvwc.org.au



SECASA provides a range of services to support people affected by

sexual abuse. Amongst these are creative workshops for women.

Freedom Picture

Merry Christmas

My path

Piano beat
Breath
Alone
Running
Signs
Long words
Lost in the beat
Symbols appearing
Meaning everything
And nothing
Another breath
Where was I
It is now a memory
Running
Lines
Houses from the past
Streets make my life
Memories thread all over me
Lost
Shaking shoulders
Not forgotten
With me forever
Hatred
Distress
The beat changes
Not my fault
Left behind
Move on
Passing memories
Moving forward
Positive
Future
No changing
Fast
Time taken
Relief
Relief
Relief
Relief
Relief
Relief
Relief
Relief
Relief

What would you think

And if you were in the room
Giving birth to the world
And you could hear a piano
People demanding
But your job was to
Bear humanity
And you thoughts go
Through the earth and
Pass onto your children
What would you think
Would you think
War
Peace
Love
Anger
Positive
Major
Fine
Strong
Live
Beat
Hate
Line

Love Haiku

The winter is gone
Bright sun smothers the sky blue
Love is found today

You're the Voice

Left to..

The beat thumps
I remember back
A tear drops
An umbrella slides
I run to the street
I see everyone
And everything
Crying and anger
The guitar strum
A generation in my net
My leg bounces
In anticipation
As I remember
What this song
Means
And there is no fright
There is just
Listening to the song
That I nearly
Left to......


Inspired by Bob Sinclair - Soul Generation

There they are

Just when you are feeling down
Like nothing in this world
Will care
No one to cry to
No one to be there
And you cry to a god
That does not exist
Where just where
Send me someone
Please just someone to care
And your tears
Drop unknown
By your side

And then when you just
Need something
A change
A simple change
Knowing that nothing can
Make you feel
You walk in
And there sitting beside you
Is just a familiar face
A familar smile
Just a tad older
Someone to count on
Who you trust and understand
And you know them
Though you just met
And there is that feeling
You were just missing
Knowing that it is ok to
Care
Because they do

14th November 2011

Walking in a Straight Line

Bronte's Story on Anorexia

Don't give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


http://news.ninemsn.com.au/national/8358088/brontes-story-anorexia-teen-marries

Sitting on the dock of the bay....

A friend

She screams at you every night
And cuddles you every day
And cries beneath the sheets
In some fantastic way

And she makes you go here and there
And she flits without such a care
And she runs around full steam ahead
And throws around that brown little bear

And she sits and stares at little white balloon
And cries and howls at the full moon
And loves you with all delight
And then hates you with such sudden fright

And then finally after so many years
Of being forgotten through so many tears
You get reminded every now and again
You only need to look inside to find a lovely friend

My Little Pumpkin Vine

I always wished I had a pumpkin vine
And then I grew one within my spine
Tending nicely, eating slow
Running to and running fro

And there she was, all lovely and fine
A little plant, I knew she was mine
Was there something wrong, the gardener said
I cried a bit, but everything was fed

And as I watched, that pumpkin grow
Oh how I loved this plant and so
A little bit, every day
A little sprout, a leaf I say

It sits there; turns away to the sun
A little bit each day and has some fun
I water it every now and again
And give some fertiliser and when

And I teach it to love to hear me sing
And I take it under my loving wing
And then every now and again it smiles
That little pumpkin vine; worthwhiles

And then that pumpkin vine falls asleep
I cover it at night in a sheet
That pumpkin vine, so high and low
My pumpkin vine, how I love you so

Whitedove

A bird flying,

Its wings soaring through the sky,

Love floats in the air, no; I’m not lying.

It travels over mountains, water, trees, and cities.

This white dove is as peaceful as can be,



A very pretty bird- as the little girls think,

I love this dove, my heart sinks when I see it.

This dove, is my mother.

What is the bridge

Hold my hand on the island
Fill the ocean on its shores
Watch the seashells in the moonlight
See the sand as it pours

Sit by the berm in the daylight
Rest my head for a while
Not understanding what is happening
Silence is the best as we file

The bridge is a bit weary
The forest black from fires beware
Something swift hit the island softly
Turned our backs of something with care

Heaven is not always perfect
Hell can always slowly seep in
For you see you will never recognise
What has really ever happened with a sin

And have you ever wondered
Really what is that little bridge
That keeps us hanging together
Hiding there over that ridge

It keeps the ocean at bay
Sturdy however that may be
I close the door on it every now and again
And cry and cry at it every day

And I only just really recognised what it was
As I swiftly wrote out this little note
For the bridge is our love
Slowly joining us, over the moat.

And the little crystal I place in the middle
Is a reminder there to you
You are not alone on your island
Your island is now made for two

Not yet.

I once knew a little girl
Who sat by the door
Writing letters
Calling, visiting
Seeing if she could find
A pure heart.
For she thought none existed
A tear drops
As she writes, day after day
Telling why
Telling how
Searching
Hearing birds and angels
Saying...
It does not exist
Silently
Praying that it does
Seeking one after the other
A slow tweet, a soul here and there
To be found.... but alas
It was not to be
A number tell her
Be careful
Her thoughts say
But...it could be
She returns to searching
Writing, wondering
Being turned away
Questioned
Being told no
Not possible
Never
Grown up with a black heart
Does it exist
She keeps seeking
That little girl
Tries again
In vain
For there must be someone out there
That will
Not do this
All over again

From the mouth of a child

A little white room
On the edge
Of a world, vast
And within the room
Stands a little girl
With pig tails, tied in blue
Dressed in a little white dress
With neat little white shoes
And she is asked
"What will you fill this room with"
And she lifts her eyelids heaven wards
A slow tear drop falls
Her gaze slips slowly to the ground
She circles her foot on the floor
Pondering
Staring out the window
Through the night
To a tree
In the distance
And then slowly she realises
It's the basic thought
That everyone wants

And as the tear slowly melts to the ground

"I fill this room with love"

Lecture

The Date Safe Project

Visit www.datesafeproject.com for more information

WHILE NO ONE WAS WATCHING: Fifteen artists join voices to bring tumultuous, c...

WHILE NO ONE WAS WATCHING: Fifteen artists join voices to bring tumultuous, c...: "For Immediate Release       April 13, 2011 While No One Was Watching Survivors of child sexual abuse in art exhibit on this silent epidemic..."

Not that hard to find

Things are fully strange and weird
And everythings not there quite right
They are all there left of centre
Displayed and quite full of fright

And it just seems like a full on nightmare
Searching through rooms and rooms
Looking for no one that is there
Not finding you through all the doom

And someone is following me around
Its called a thought of screaming denial
All dressed up in pretty flowing ribbons
Calling out through love and running fruit trials

And houses are there out of whack
And animals not joined together quite full steam ahead
And outside thoughts toss over in my mind
And everything is very wrong instead

And everybody sits there and waits
While the denial just sorts through my mind
For the truth is always out there
Its really not that hard to find.

When the World Would Prefer Silence

Submitted by Casey - a survivor


She speaks when the world

Would prefer silence

Words stumble

Over her tongue, teeth, lips

memories

Tears act as barriers

To both her speech and hearing

The world avoids emotions



Glares given because

she is the breaking

the cyclic silence

Generations old

do not help her pain



Sad eyes connecting to mouths

From which weighty “I’m sorry”s escape

Harming more than helping her

Eternally unable to take away

Or nullify

The violations of his hands

Unwanted, and wandering

the frozen body

Of a woman unsure of why

Her friend is betraying her

As her tears stream

And she whimpers in pain

A hand covers her mouth

From which noise escapes



The kisses neither he nor she

cared about end

As has his imminent touching ensues

He lowers her garments swiftly

And forces his entrance through

Her private gates



Deeply his hands penetrate

Carving swelling paths

To deeper pain

She is the victim of subterfuge

Lies awake

Her body is sleeping in shock

She manages to whisper “stop” into

The hand arresting her mouth



The perpetrator holds down her wrists

And presses himself hard on

Her weak and quiet body

As he speaks the words

“You’re okay”

Like the crimes committed

Were not meant “that way”

Silence overcomes

The pained whisperer

The subterfugist pins her down

And tears fall towards the ground

Silence is overcoming

As the dominant man heaves breaths

On the forced sub-missive’s face



The broken woman feign’s sleep

And the breaker moves away

It is the beginning of a second day

Of which the first never ended

And now pain overrides her

And she cannot speak

Of the atrocities he committed

which harmed her

For hours or more

After the havoc wreaking

Monster disappeared

From her bedroom floor



When the silence is broken

By a stuttering text

To a friend

Tears flowed again

Sent to somewhere safe to be

A place where words could escape

Without fear of increased

Induced pain



The silence is breaking

With each word escaping

Stumbling over her tongue, teeth, lips

And Memories of horrible

Atrocities



She speaks when the world

Would prefer she kept silent

Regretting the whispers

Of “This happened to me”

And wishing her heart could believe

Her mind as it screams

“What happened to me was not my fault”

“What happened to me was not my fault”

“What happened to me was not my fault”



.(Thanks to StaceyAnn Chin for inspiration in the last lines).

Lean on Me

Ice Tear Drop

She sits alone near the lake

Once happy here

The seasons change

And it is surrounded

By dead trees

And frosted nights

She revisited

In hopes, that the

Lake had unfrozen

That the waters shone again

But all that was left

Was her tear drop

Sliding across the ice.

Deep breath

Time taken to write a story
Words carefully spoken outloud
Hidden silent within times spaces
A hidden frown, a nightmare finally said so proud

One key typed after another
Depicting a horror nightmare to unfold
Something that was to be visited
In nightmares, in visions, in turmoil, untold

Alone, frightened and suddenly fearful
This is not supposed to happen; especially to me
The sickening memory to stay with us
Shared silently; here let it be

And really there is nothing that can be done,
Apart from share it hear amongst friends
Describe the horror so eloquently
A silent tear drop, the weight carried as it ends.

Hero

In those million grains of sand

I wonder if you still think about me
As I sit here and listen to our song
The one you did not know was ours
Staring at numbers on a lonely street
Sitting across from a cafe that you
Will never see
Embarking in something
You will never know about

Did I really scare you that much?
That you could not call out my name
That you would rather run
Than cross this road with me

There is truth
There is such a thing as love
May you find your cloud
And may you find your crystal
Within those million grains of sand

Masks

DNA

Girl with flower
Wanders
Across
The park
Green fields of grass
To the tower
Of stairs
Looking up
Sees
The tall building
In the clouds
Trees
Step by step
She climbs
Around and around
Taking your hand
"Here it is"
She says
To you
And as you look in wonder
You turn
as you both reach the top
Surrounded in wonder
And she reaches out
And gives you a flower
Hand in hand
Gazing out
Over the river
Joined by the crisscross
Of dna and a hug

Little Girl Running

Running silently from the classroom
Little girl crying with sudden tears
A quiet little sentence
In amongst the bullies fears

He passed it to me slowly
I was a little blonde girl all of eight
Swinging on my chair in the teachers room
As she did the sums and spellings all of late

And he looked at me so solemnly
The quiet boy in the room
I had been watching him for a while
But really had not noticed him so soon

And in this little note was how
He was living here of late
Of how this person was visiting him
And doing things of horror and hate

And as I read and read
Of what this note contained
I realised why this boy was silent
The horror deeply ingrained

And swinging back on my chair
More horror yet to come
A slow tear began to trickle
And I got up from my seat and began to run

The other side of the playground
And there I began to shake and cry
The sheer horror the boy had gone through
The silence was all he could but try

And there is nothing I can really tell you
Apart from I went home from school early that day
And in the night time darkness,
My little teddy bear comforted me all the way

The Black Room

Door closed
Wooden footsteps
Heaven knows
Pick a petal
Solid wall
Scary noise
Feeling small
And then she comes
Little girls
Seeing summer
Forever whirls
Spinning constantly
Seeing ghosts
Picks a posy
Knocking posts
She asks you questions
Makes you mad
Pokes her tongue
You are sad
You move about
And get so lost
Wondering why
Hidden moss
Room is dark
Fans awhirl
She picks flowers
Pretty swirl
In the floor
Plants them slowly
Forever more
And pats them down
Sings a tune
To the moon
Dancing slowly
Darkness light
Taking care
Hidden delight
And you realise
The hidden goal
You are both
Within his soul

Sandra - Survivor Video

Remembered

Alone she waits
A soft wind blows
She takes out her
Yellow flower
And blows kisses
As the petals
Float to the wind
Softly drifting
Over the waves
She knows
You are there
She waits
For she knows
A prayer
That you made
Will be remembered

Just Silence in my tears

In the house
With a monster
Living every day
Lost and alone
Curtains blue
Home to soon
Dashes, hides
More curtains
Abuse everywhere
No feelings
Lost
Crying but cannot cry
For what if he hears
Footsteps down
The hall
Don't stop
Don't come in
Please, please
Praying
Don't come in
The continuing forward
Praying for someone
To take you away
Some handsome prince
But
They fade
There is no one there
Just silence in my tears

Scared of Basketballs

A while back, when my hair was blonde
A basketball hurt me, above and beyond
I was left mentally scarred, scared to my knees
Of basketballs, of courts, and of cheerleaders flees

And do you know quite casually, how often they appear,
I cannot get rid of them, and this awful dreadful fear
I just remember just what that basketball did
And how just after it, from basketballs I hid

The courts they send me into complete agony and fear,
Looping out of control, I cannot get near
And the lines they mix, altogether it seems
The memories of the hospital, the hits, I am not so keen

So I stayed away for years, not wanting that court
Not wanting to be near, no way, no ought,
And now what goes and happens, there is something that comes too
I have to sit there next to a basketball court, watching my daughter with you

And as the memories surface, from that time before
When the lines mixed together, when I felt so sore
When it becomes clear, when unknown what to do
I sit here staring at the basketball court, unknown by you

And thus far, I have run, hiding away
Not going near the basketball court, unknown what to say
And when I get too close, it starts again
Confronting I take off, fear knows that grin

And really no one knows, that I have such a fear
That I cannot live within a distance of the basketball clear
And I will continue to write, for I am unknown what to do
Just how do I get over the fear - I will leave it up to you.

A nice person?

Across the hardened surface
With lines that etch my face
And many a time played on them
And my story hidden with grace

I see you there coming
Unknown whom you are
Why do I feel a connection?
Trying desperately not to go far

And here is a simple question
Something that is of common place
They ask just a little detail
Drawing closer at their own pace

But what if my life imitates
Just what I grew up in
And this "nice person" again
Is a monster, with a hidden sin

Not again, that little girl cries
Fear again making her run
Silence just a golden moment
Stomach showing fear, sickness, no fun

So as you sit and look
You just hid your feelings within
Waiting for just the right moment
When maybe you can let that nice person in.



A subconsious comparison I always make - is this new person like him? The level of fear is HUGE. A new person today ask me to share something that would lead them to this site. I went silent....I am waiting for the right moment...just to see what they say.

Things I have gotten in the past:

Walking away
This is a confronting site
I could not read it
Amazing
People no longer speaking to me
Anger and frustration
Screams
Wonderful responses
Tears
People reading this site without my permission which devestated me
People adding their own story
Other assorted comments
"Im sorry"

I am always surprised at the responses. I have told many.

The book

This page is coloured white
For when my life began
And a rosy pink leather
Bound crisp and feathered end

And here on the ornate binding
A turn of a slight happy quill
I read and I write my life
The paper warps against my will

And here on this black page
A memory I dont want to see
And another sitting everywhere
All hidden inside of me

And if I dont remember
Do I just fold those pages away
Feel the thoughts and feelings
But dont remember on this given day

And the green pages are all happy
Because I had forgotten the black ones too
Just pretending they just did not happen
Forgetting what happened to you

And a leather bookmark stands here
Hidden directly in the spot
Of where my life and soul were taken
My life cut, and hidden in lots

And what if someone special
Were to seek out that book
And listen to the pages
Giving you such a hook

And slowly with their help
You turn the pages one by one
Discussing each memory slowly
The black ones, really not that much fun

So here in my book,
I let you see the pages for now
As you turn over the bindings
And furrow your hidden brow

And as we reach the end
It just starts up again
For I have forgotten thoughts
There is never any end

My little girl

Holding your small hand
Seeing your smile
And the laughter in your eyes
I see the love

Running through the fields
Catching butterflies
You are just amazing
A miracle of strength

My little girl
Blonde hair, blue eyes
Me, younger in disguise
Just amazing

Do you see me as your angel

Sometimes messages are cryptic


I waited for the reply
For you see it was a loaded question
He did not see the sky

And as the time slowly trickled past
I watched the words appear
I wonder if he would understand
It was a test I would hold dear

And there in a silent note
And there is a moment in time
I sat there waiting and wondering
It was not really a crime

I just wanted to know
Just curious and wanted to see
For I just wanted to know
His feelings towards me

So here I got a large reply
Not a simple yes or no
For a loaded question
Does not come and go

And the final sentence
Ended with the words of glow
You deserve more,
than a simple yes or no

Submitted this week to Whitedovesnest.com

Care

For ten long years
You endure just utter
Horror and nightmares
A living terror, every day stalking

Captured, by a monster
Trapped, lost and alone
Thoughts of please help me
Wander through your soul

And people say they will help
But you know that it is just
Empty words, a hollow boneless
Nightmare. Alone again

And given false hope
You turn, again hoping
That for some reason
Another will care

And you know deep down
They don't, and someone states
Quite separately what is occuring
And your world tumbles

Into an abyss, for the
Monster gets you again
One who abuses you
And the others who just don't care.

Why

I will never know
I will never understand
I could ask
But just hear some answer, that won't be true

Standing in front of you
Was just some more garbage
For there is no answer
To why

It is just a stage
Those forever ending stages
That really having no meaning
It is just placed on society

For who would talk
About the unspeakable
A young child
Surrounded by such terror

And horror
And the imaginings that you could not endure
And then one day she turns to you
All innocent in her thoughts and understandings

Hoping that she could at least trust someone
And for a while she thinks
Its all ok, and then realises, yesterday
That yes there is no answer to why.

A call backwards in time

You sit down
With your cup of tea
To the left
As you take the
Black phone
In your hand
And you dial the numbers

It rings
Bring Bring
She picks up, the phone looks different
She sits on the divan
Her legs quite not touching the floor
In front of her is the fridge and
All around is the kitchen, 1980's style

"Hello" she says
A silent tear falls down your face
"Hello"
"Hi" you say, you can hear your voices
Are just about the same, one high, one low

"Who are you" she asks
"I am someone who cares" you return
"For me?" she says
And I say Yes - especially for you

And you can hear the sigh of relief
On the other end of the phone
And you say
"I know what he is doing to you"
"I know what you have tried to do"
And your eyes are steadily getting fogged
Tears running and running

You can hear her crying on the other end of the phone
"Oh mummy, he does such bad things"
"But I protect my sister and yesterday, I made her
Pony tails in her hair. We played out side
It is not so bad after all"

And you know what horror she is enduring
And you know the pain she is going through
And that tonight or today, she must face
A rapist at every corner

But for just this phone call, you know she is safe,
Talking to you on the other line
And your hand starts to tremble
You can hear her thoughts

"Can you be my mummy? and take me away"
And you wish you could
But you know all you can do
Is say - good bye and "I love you"
And as you silently hang up the phone
A call backwards in time
To my own childhood.

A day....

Cry
For the phone is ringing
You pick it up
You hear the crying on the other end
She speaks of another
Who she thinks is badly hurting
She starts crying again
She mentions cutting
She is concerned about suicide
Cry
Something bad has happened
And you sit there listening to the person crying
Supporting them as they support another
Do you want to be there
Be prepared for what the tell you; you say
She speaks of the fright
Scare
She starts crying
You say call back any time
A day in the life of a suicide line volunteer

A Boy looking after Teddy Bears

In the middle of the forest
There is a boy
Looking after a teddy bear
There is not a sound

He is crouched
Wondering what to do
For the teddy bear
Has lost its leg

And tears fall down his face
Sewing the leg back on
The teddy bear now whole
He thinks; I must go to sewing school

And off to sewing school he goes
Learning, toiling, late nights
Hitting the books, tests, libraries
Meeting others who sew

Forever striving, to helping
Teddy bears in the moonlight
Taking its time,
Learning bit by bit, the cotton
The needle and the yarn

And finally on graduation
From the sewing school
He realises
It is time to sew again

In the middle of the forest
There is a boy
Looking after a teddy bear
There is not a sound




Sometimes a piece of paper means nothing. My first experience with work, I was dumbfounded at how much they don't actually teach you.

A shark tank

A shark tank.



A little girl
In the middle of the ocean
Hand raised in the air
Drowning, for she cannot swim
Sees a shark below
Circling
She gets bitten, her toe gone
She calls out, but no one there to help her
She cries, and cries, prays to God
Please, please help me, praying for a boat
Fear, fear, fear of the shark
Bellows through her mind.

A small boat, comes in the distance
A sail boat, with big white masks
And a hand grabs her, solidly
And lifts her into the boat

And she is bleeding, and crying and shaking
All because of the shark,
And the boat captain ignores her, and she continues bleeding
They sail to the docks and she bleeds

No one speaks to her, for sharks are taboo
No one likes sharks, lets not talk about it
And still she bleeds, her toe gone
But no one sees it, it is gone and forgotten, never talked about

It must be her fault, she decides. My toe is gone
I enticed the shark, the shark could find no one else to bite
So it was her fault. She did not get away fast enough
It is her fault. The teeth were big, it is my fault

She bleeds, her toe gone, scared, she sees shark pictures
In the shop, and ignores it.
Memories of the shark come to mind
She screams at the mirror, for it reminds her of the shark
And finally she folds. She is told, that in order to recover, she must

Visit a shark tank

Oh my GOD, she thinks, not a shark!
No one has much worried about the shark
Or spoken as yet, but not a tank! and she calls ahead, trying to get to goldfish
Goldfish would be easy to see, they wander around the tank, but they are not sharks
Sharks, bite my toe, but she cannot get away, she is folding, the shark is the only way

or so she is told

And she sits there, on the benches near the shark tank looking at the shark
And she starts to remember the shark.
Remembering the attack.
Remember how no one helped her. Lost and alone.
Even losing the connection to life itself
How she felt "different" because she was the shark's victim

Her stomach aches. She walks away for a while. But she can speak to no one

And the next time, she walks over to the tank, places her hand beside it
And the shark, glides by. Screaming, her toe starts bleeding and she
Runs away, because that shark is not getting her again
And she thinks of a machette next time, her thoughts invested in harming the shark

And the shark tank is taken away, and she is left stuck. Her toe bleeds

And she goes about her business. Remembering the shark tank.

It plays on her mind, day in and day out. She picks up the phone, and dials the circus, for where is the shark tank now?
And it is around, just another location and she travels, visiting again
Angered, for the shark disappeared, she wanders up to the shark, and screams at it
The shark glides by on the other side of the tank, saying nothing

Her heart lurches forward, and she has memories, and thoughts of her shark attack.
Her toe bleeds. She gets told, the shark will always get you.
And above the shark tanks reads the sharks name, but she cannot see it
And finally, a cricket bat appears from no where

And she sits there on the bench, with bat in hand, ready to attack, ready to break the shark out of the tank
Ready, to kill it wear it stands. Killing it, knowing she can do it. With that bat in hand she walks up
And takes a violent swing. And before, it hits the glass. She stops. The bat falls to the floor.

Her toe bleeds. She sits on the bench crying, a deep soulful cry. She is just not like that.

And she looks up, and from the clouds, a ray of sunshine appears, lighting up the sign, above the
Shark tank.

And glinting past the shark tank, at an angle, a red and white sign hangs. He is called Toothless.
And was no harm to anyone.

And her toe stopped bleeding.

23 March 2010

Avatar

Did you see it flutter

Did you see it fly

That little floating plant

Like a dandoline cry

And as it drifted

And landed all around

Did you see the next one

Touch the ground

And then another

And another still

Until it covers your body

All at will

The lovely plants

Attracted to your body's delight

Because they know

You are a messiah of might

And then in a whisper

I forget my pain

I notice the dandolines

Around you again

And I put down my anger

And I put down my rage

For together I know

We are on the same page

So come bond with me

Come and understand life

Surrounded by such loveliness

Forgetting our strife

Come fly with me

Come see the sights

I will show you everything

Including my life

Inspired by the movie.

Sweet Revenge

I saw the hospital in the distance
Parking the car behind
As the sun shone
Through the summer days

And I walked through the doors
The lifts on the right I rode
Them to the upper floors
As I had been summoned

This sickness of a man
Summoned me to his beside
And there he sat
Shrivelled, old man on his bed

And just before his dying day, and his last breath
Just before he was to meet his maker,
Whomever that may be,
I pushed aside the hospital curtain

Please forgive me he said
And I had flashbacks of my child hood
Extremeness of the inhumanity
The thoughts of how many children

That this peodophile had terrorised
Day in day out, they lived in fear
And I knew what I had to say
I knew that I could not lie

And from somewhere deep within me it started
And from somewhere it came
The howl of a soul, many souls injured
The screaming so that the hospital staff would hear

And it lasted about 20 mins
Until the nurses took me away
The drs would need to sedate him
And all the nursing staff knew

Know that he was forever not at peace
Know I knew he would reside
That hell would be his salvation
And I walked out of the hospital with pride

Sunlight Rays

Goodness knows what I was doing
Goodness knows what I actually said
I just have no recollection
Of what was going through my head.

I had just decided to say one thing
Just something there quite safe
Just something that would not worry me
Something not to give me grief

And so I just said memories
And out it all just came
I just said it there just quietly
It just felt like a little game

A little girl lost
These memories in her head
All swirling around
Unable to think around them instead

And though I did not tell the memory
I just wanted you to know
That there was just a lot of them
Not just one or two, to show

And then I remembered who I was telling
And I asked if you were ok
It is awful to hear such violence
Told easily from a sway

And I have not felt the crash as yet,
I have been happy here for days
You were right a number of months back
Releasing this gives the sunlight rays.

Here is a Love Poem

Did your heart just skip a beat
Did I just make you angry
For you see, I need to feel like this
To face, what I do
This level of closeness
Feeling and warmth
Trigger such fear
I feel love
To listen to horror
And to know you are safe
To say what I say and
Hope that it is right
And to listen in
The way you just want
It all takes Love

To sit next to you
Hold you hand
Take care of my needs
Knowing what is to come
Not even perhaps knowing
Who you even are
You even scaring me at times
It all takes love
Trust and love
What have they done
For I do not know
I stand on the abyss of
Unknowing
Trusting you can tell me
In time and I can listen
That I care enough

May you love me in the same way
For I missed the simple love of a father
May you find it within you
To love me

Shining on us

Shining on us

In a silent little bay
I spy you
All alone
With a light shining on us

I smile as I whisper
On my breath
And my voice
Carries to you, softly

Can I just be here
And enjoy the light
Surrounded by this safety
Just for a while

And I see a sea shell
I bend over and pick it up
And it whispers the ocean
Saying your name from far away

And the playground is calling to me
But I stay, because you are all alone
And I calm down, and enjoy the scene
As the sun sets over the ocean

The light shines on us from above
And it slowly disappears
And the sun sets
And we walk arm and arm
Leaving our troubles to the wind

Nearly one year

For nearly one year
I have had this memory
I cannot discern it
I do not know what it is
I cannot figure it out
I cannot tell if it is true
I could be wrong
I know I was in the area
I can see it as I write this
And for nearly a year it has churned
Turned over in my mind
That can't be true, my face turns awful
And when I remembered it
I prayed I could take the pain
I prayed that I would not just end it
Was that me?
Then the logic came in
Could that have happened
No surely not
A father could not do that to a child
I was older
What is this memory
It must not be right
What if it is right
What is there to come?
It makes me sick at night
It turns over and over
I cry myself to sleep
And then try to forget
And then realise
That it could have happened
And all I can do, is hold on to someone close
And tell them not to tell.

But I Am Your Voice

I know you are probably crying
Alone, not knowing what to do
Having no one to turn to
And not understanding what is happening

Confused, lost, unknown and unseen
Curled away and forgotten
The darkness of the room
Alone, looking out the window with no hope in sight

Listening, praying but no God there
To help in the slightest way
A bang on the door
Or a glimmer of hope, to be stolen at any moment

Looking at his sick face daily
Seeing the disgust; being touched
Living with evil
A nightmare on every turn

I know you don't know me
And would not acknowledge me in the crowd
But I am your voice
Where you will be, once he is gone.

Be strong, tonight may be dark and the footsteps loud
But he can never destroy you
For I am here, waiting, your future self
Writing slow tales of the horror you endured.

Feel safe knowing I am here
Keeping you kind
Getting you help
And holding you as you cry




This poem has been a long time coming.

I will go back

A path with a rock
Eyes stare at night
A fence to the side
Horror, a new memory such delight

How could I have forgotten
This area again
And now I write this poem
To remember back then

Lets discover this memory
For I don't know what it be
I am thinking to stop
Because it is within me

Take a deep breath
I see the eyes
My memory haunts me
Its has its little spies

There is garden
I am a little girl
He is teaching me something
A little girl to unfurl

Covered by the road
Innocence all around
My memory is just lost
It is not going to be found

What is he doing
Is he even there
I know we have visited this space
Nobody was even there

My window in the back,
The hose to the side
Lets turn off the tap
The horror about to ride

Lets step off the ledge
And see what he has done
Because together
This freak has not won

Deep breath once more,
Lets return back then
Close our eyes silently
Lets begin to win again

Block out the noise
And see this place
What has he done
In utter disgrace

Here it is
I am seeing it now
My god that was frightening
That cannot be real, and how.

I must have made that up
That cannot be true
I am sorry to disturb you
I will go back to feeling blue



Memories are sometimes too traumatic to remember. It is easier to forget.

Everything is Easy, Nothing is Tough

A little girl, walks and sits down
She sees the computer, and sits with a frown
The fear rises still, what does she do?
She can't even turn it on, life feeling blue

She turns to the teacher, a girl like her
Who explains there's a switch, thoughts do concur
And she teachers her programming, she gives her a prize
And finally an honour award, little girl wide eyes

And so, this sparks an interest, the little girl bright
To understand daily with all her might
To take those courses, to sit there and understand
That perhaps; she too could teach computers handstands

And as she studies, she gets carried away
The little girl loves helpdesk, training and programming away
And as she learns; she dreams of yesterday
When she will get her first job, computers that way

For years she toils, learning fast
Hoping that one day the computers she will last
Nightly she sees; the reports by day
Her dreams are forever etched, caught in the sway

She finds her first job, after a search for a while
And then continues on, her life such a smile
She climbs up the ladder, she runs with a glow
She is paid quite well, others come to know

She does a project, one or two
She implements a website, used by me and you
And finally her thoughts turn so abroad
Surely a job overseas, is going to be scored?

For who would have imagined that years ago
A female computer teacher could start such a know
So we thank that teacher who became a mentor
She has helped many businesses, libraries and more

And now as you read this poem, you may not understand
Why it is included, in this job application in hand
For your see, I wanted to explain
That dreams are real and love is at hand

So remember tommorrow ; remember today
That regardless what you do; regardless what you say
If you have a dream, if you are inspired enough
Everything is easy and nothing is tough

Love Makes You Listen

You don't know how she got your number
You are sure it was time ago
That little girl in pigtails
Her arms folded, as you know

Her little freckles stand out
A little nose, under her eyes
The solid blue staring out at you
Startling diamonds in the sky

She calls you every now and then
As you drive, and as you go
She softly whispers to you
About her life of rainbows

She is in a world of wonder
Her bubbles full of delight
The music of harmony surrounds her
A melody of rhyming tonight

She loves her little chocolates
And watching her tv shows
Goodness knows you love her dearly
To listen to what you have to know

For this little 10 year old
Calls you every now and again
Just while you sit and do your work
Writing with your fountain pen

You rarely see her,
You don't know who she is of late
You have seen pictures
All you know is she lived with a monster hate

And there is a little silence
You don't know what is wrong
You just know something has happened
It is written in her song

And as you hear the tears
And as you remember her age
She starts this horror cry again
Her soul crying to you; a horror rage

"I've been raped" she screams at you
Over and over again
Her tears are lost in your soul
The crying of terror, from way back when

And as you listen softly
Her crying continues on
You just whisper a few short words
And the horror is just gone

The dial tone is finished
You cannot believe what you have heard
All you know is today
She is reliving memories of whats occurred

And what of the little girl
What happens to her now
She just relives the memories
And calls you once in a while

That little girl of 10
Whispers out to you
Listening to her today
You return to your work blue

Thank you to all the supporters who listen to these calls from children and adults, whether it be on telephones, counselling rooms, as a social worker or other professional or a person who cares.

Knock on the devils door

Stand up for what you believe in.


The devil took my soul
And planted it with delight
And covered it with sawdust
And labelled it with fright

With just a dash of horror
He spreads his pepper sauce
And then he booby traps it
Setting fire to it of course

And then he hides it away
The back of hell it belongs
It wanders round for centuries
Waiting for the very strong

And what if you want to recover
When the devil has your soul
Just what would you do
To get you out of this deep dark hole

For here is what I have done,
For here I share my tale
Of trying to get my soul back
Of keeping going, and not letting me fail

You walk up that solid pathway
And knock on the devils door
He will be quite surprised
For he has not had a visitor for such a score

He will try all his tricks
His denials and his lies of woe
He will bring all the brimstone
The fire of long beneath, heavens know

And others will gather around him
Tell of a devil indeed
Tender to his garden
Making you feel lost; very indeed

And he will ask you what he did
I did not do that - he will say
There is no way I could have done it
A soft and sickly voice; "go on your way!!!"

"This other person is not complaining"
The devil there says to you
And there his companions reach
And say hey "what is wrong with you?"

You are not still on that question??
His servants will scream loud
Until you are really confused
And lost in the nightmare created proud

And as the devil turns around
And thinks he has won his way
There is one thing he has forgotten
One thing he has missed here today

For while he was screaming and denying
Gathering companions there to reach
You had uncovered something
Sawdust and cobwebs, there to teach

And there as you see it,
As the devil turns away
It is there shiny and new,
Looking wonderful, brushed today

Your confidence, your self esteem
Your smile is here stay
For the devil has forgotten
You were only here to recover your soul, today

Merry go rounds in the sky

A little girl rides on the merry go round
In the sky above the restaurant
On the long narrow streets
Looking like Naples in the spring

The chairs standing outside
On a day made for kings
She steps up the ladder
And quietly takes a seat
On the older chairs outside

And the merry go round starts
With all but silence
The little girl hanging on
As the merry go round
Whizzes above the houses

And the chain breaks
But she does not have a care
She falls down gently
To your smiling face
And turns up to you and says

Can we stay on the merry go round
For eternity?I want to be safe always

And she knows by his smile
That she did not really need to ask
For the merry go round
Was life.

A bubble

A bubble
Floats
While the
Little girl
Inside cries

Outstretched
She is alone
Within the bubble
Shiny rainbow pattern

Glitter in the sunlight
The bubble pops
A new world
Lost in a circle

And quietly she walks forward
Seeing the world
Without the bubble
And tests it for a while

Dipping her feet in the water
Seeing the ducks and feathers
Experiencing the daylight
Seeing the moon

And then after this.
Alone she is
She turns around and
Feels within her chest

She retreats to her bubble
Floating
While the little girl
Inside cries



Explaining it as best I can

I can't write this poem

I really can't write this poem
I have tried so many times
The white page here before me
Lay blank here with a poets crime

I try to say it this way
I begin to change the words
I rub them out constantly
My thoughts are becoming disturbed

I am trying to join the wording
I am beginning to get it right
It is making me feel wonderful
It is giving quite a fright

You see I write these poems
Here hidden, very quickly indeed
But there is just one sentence
That has sent me to my knees

I cannot say what is wanted
Even hidden with whats occurred
This poem; will never be understood
It will never be read or heard

So every time I write it
It is not the truth indeed
I cannot just get it out
Even writing at full speed

The poem here before me
That sentence that was taken back
Its making me quite angry
I wonder why it ran off track

So here within this poem
I will whisper it to you
Just so you can ask the meaning
Of whats making me feel so utterly blue

And when you finished reading
Please go back and read its words
For surely you will see
The horror that has occurred

Part 2

Did you go back and read the poem
It was hidden there quite indeed
I knew I would finally get it out
When I wrote it at full speed

The last poems were about tea parties
They were about snowfalls and mirrors too
There were about rooms and waterfalls
And whispers of flowers and words from you

I could not get it right
So I sat here and wrote away
For you see I dont know what to do
I did not know what to say

So here this poem has taken six months
Of toil and utter pain
Of crying and not understanding
Of silence for someone elses gain

I have screwed up all the pages
And thrown to the scrap paper bin
It would just not be right
A blank page, a poets greatest and biggest sin

It time spent in agony
Its a note of silent dread
A deep within dwell
That sticks there within your head

That sudden thought or meaning
That hidden image you want people to see
There written on the paper
Now out, instead of within me

So there after all this pain
That time and search day after day
Thank God I have FINALLY said it
And that is all I have to say

The Eternity Flower
A little boy, stands

And hands a little girl

A flower

Ever so gently

And whispers "It will be ok"

And the little girl

Stares at the flower

Its petals purple

It wont be ok

She whispers

My nightmares

Dwell in the flower

I will not take the flower

"It will be ok"

It is too scary

She replies

There are dreams

I just dont want to be there

Just don't want to see

She looks at the boy

"It will be ok"

There are just too many

To recall

I cannot touch the flower

I cannot see the time

"It will be ok"

And with this,

She reaches out

And with the tip

Of her finger

Touches its petals

A light feather touch

It blooms

With rainbows

A smile appears

Its the Eternity Flower

Today Nothing Works

A life full of Coco pops
And marbles that feel like rocks
That youngster time, my childhood slows
And today, it returns and glows

And what if I shared with you,
A lifetime of sorrow, you never knew
And what if I were to say out loud
Something that everyone deems not proud

And so I contemplate this today
I feel its rush, that horror way
And there it comes, that time again
And away I drift, lost back then

So even to contemplate this today
Sends me drifting far away
And to return, I see again
I am always alone, way back then

What is it like

I am wondering how I can convey
To you, the reader of this poem
Just what is it like
To live with a monster?

I know I cannot achieve it
I know you will never know
I could sit here for years
And still you would only scratch the surface

I could tell you of the eyes that I see
I could tell you of my nightmares
And I can tell you of my scarred soul
But you could never understand

I could tell you how many years
What frightened me, and when
How I had to hide, what I had to do
And where I went to, but in the long run, you would never know

I could tell you of the incidences I remember
And of the ones I dont
I could tell you of the nights I have sat in tears
And wished that it would just go away

It is just that there is no one out there
That can help this little child
Understand why her daddy did this
And why I must now cry.

Halo

I wonder if you can cope; I wonder if you can see
I wonder if you know; this horror, deep within me
The shear amount of stories, listening to what I have heard
The understanding and the care, that has severely occurred

I have heard everything, praying the story right
That yet another gives me; it all its glory and its fright
The images I can get, can see a day of a night clear
I wonder if they are crying, as they type throughout the years

So many I have seen, I have lost count of them too
To the point, where I am lost, I don't know what to do;
And here is the surrounding, the streets within my head
You drive down them daily, the horror handed over to you instead

Sometimes I have not bothered to return; for the person does not seem to care
What sort of person says these things; that I sat an hour to hear
And bringing back these memories, a word giving you pain
Reliving my childhood with you; sitting here again and again

And dont think you can escape, for I dont know what to do
Because I feel deeply lost, and so will you alone too
So when you're about to drive, and turn down that empty street
Remember I have been living with it; more years than you to keep

And I could not notice evil, I could not see it still
Because I was raised without peace; a child without will
And would a child know, clearly what to do
If she was driving alone, scared and with a monster too

And so I am sorry, for the story you are about to hear
I have shed a thousand tears, living with this constant fear
And I thank you for listening, again I needed much care
Because it has gotten to me, the memories are just not there.

Waiting

And you see it there, flash up on the screen
What are all these figures, just what do they mean
So many out of work, so many looking too
Surely you are lost, amid the struggle of workers too

And there you sit, as you stare at the screen
Just when is it my time, do you know what I mean
And how many applications, just keeping this list
Not understanding why, that job that you missed

And you see on the screen, yet another job gone
Hey, I applied for that one before, feeling so forlorn
Another rejection notice, another sorry, we will keep it on file
You just wondering now, is this really worthwhile?

But I will let you in on a secret, a little hidden store
I have a little backup plan, to keep me on line and more
I have chosen a song, chosen that note
That will play in the background, will be turned up full bloat

And finally when I get there, when I receive that single call
And my work has paid off, self esteem to the wall
I will turn up the volume and play it real loud.
And I will know how difficult it was, feeling ever so proud

So to those reading, who know what I mean
Please chose your song, and play it full steam
And keep it in your mind, as you apply yet once more
That you’ll enjoy every moment, as that song plays full boar


Looking for work and relocation. It is hard at the moment with the economy. Hoping it fixes up soon.

Just how many tears

Just how many tears; do I have to cry
And just how many years; just have to pass me by
Just why did I not know; why did you not care
Why did you take my innocence; without me there

And where did I disappear to; and where do I go
Just what am I left doing; only never will know
The pain and the misery; the screams and the yells
Surely this is the beginning; lifes living in this hell

And why do I not know; love of a father dear
When so many others; know this through the years
When my nightmares are haunted; when I cannot write your name
I spent years dealing with it; causing myself such to blame

And what am I left with; this hole in my heart
I will never know the love of a father; torn in two parts
And when will this end; when will this pain disappear
And I cry again now; shedding these tears

This Palm Tree

Can I join you by this palm tree
Can I rest a little while
You see my childhoods got the best of me
And I did just have a little cry

Can you listen to me talk
And can you understand my fear
Can I just lean on your shoulder forever
Your breath so very near

And then when you finished listening
Can I cry a while in your arms
Can I just release this agony
And gaze up at the lazy palm

And then can you understand
I cannot tell you all
For the fear would just get the better of me
And the horror just make you fall

I am a little girl injured
Though you cannot see its me
I just lost my childhood forever
My soul is this palm tree

Deep Love

What happens when you are deeply in love?
Inspired by Fall in Kentucky

And there they stand, next to the gate
In full glory, only love not hate
Trees of yellow and one bright red
One so small; one gloriful; sun fed

And these trees so different, the colour to see
Can we compare these trees; to you and me
And there they stand, next to the road
The sky bright blue; the red leaves on overload

And the trees they cannot reach, rooted to the ground
A simple feather touch, when the breeze comes around
And they are so close, unable to feel
The warmth of their breath, or a kiss to seal.

The yellow one tall, the red one short
Protecting each other; when they are overwrought
And when the snow comes, and the leaves fall to the ground
The innocence is felt, bare all around.

And now they stand, near to the breeze
You see them there; standing at ease
And there they stay, an eternity in life
Protecting each other through trouble and strife.

The love of each other, sturdy and strong
Never faltering, never right or wrong
And as you walk past, their love is seen
That awe you feel, the love glory sunbeam

And we stand in the shade, forever is there
We see the trees; full sun bare
And we seal our kiss, forever apart
Because the trees cannot touch, forbidden love heart

Swan's Trust

The swan sits, and discovers the pain
Discovered her wings are clipped, once again
And she looks back, what did I do
To deserve the wings clipped; unknown to you

And once we were together, but alone again
Wondering whatever happened; thoughts to back then
And there the swan sits, next to the sea
Feeling alone and shocked - why be me?

And what do you do, when once you were free
Your wings clipped now; unable to be me
When you look at your feathers; and feel the disgust
The swan being there, but obviously no trust

And she looks at the sky, remembering how to fly
And she looks down again; borrowed frown bye and bye
She will not ascend; she will never be free
And a silent tear drops; its just alone with me

He does not love me

The little girl of ten; trapped and all alone
Wanders around the house; reaching for the silent phone
The tears they start to well; not knowing what to do
The thoughts; the scares; the horror; contact daily here with you

And the tears they do trickle; she reaches to make that call
The blackened dial it sits; calling out on its fall
And she picks it up today; she takes it to her room
Looking all around; she hides; from the blackened doom.

Slowly she draws the curtain; a red letter day it is for her
And she takes a silent breath; the horror again about to stir
And then she dials the care line; and whispers it to you
The horror and the nightmare; she trapped alone and frightened too

And there in her bedroom; a little whisper here and there
And all you want to do; is cry and whisper you do care
And as she sits and tells you; the horror that is happening to her
She is alone in this world; your emotions begin to stir

Listen to what he did to me; the years of horror and pain
The little girl she cries at you; "And its all happening again"
And the tears you can see them; on the phone that day
There is nothing you can do for her; the phone is where you stay

And then silently you hear it; she is calling out to you
That little girls alone she sits; crying; whispering too
And then you see the damage; the damage this man did cause
You waiting for it; there is a silent pause

And there she sits and cries; hiding in the darkened room
Alone with you on the telephone; she loses it too soon
And there is her ache; her darkened horror vex
Her soul is crying out to you; "HE DID NOT LOVE ME; ALL HE WANTED IS JUST SEX"

And here the little girl loses it, the crying becomes too much
And you cannot live with it; you cannot hug and touch
And so you silently pray; that the girl finds her peace soon
And there you sit silently listening; to that little girl in her room

The Mulberry Tree

A distant landscape, a little girl cries A soft tear drop, land of lullabies And here she ventures, black hair in light A cusped teddy bear, mulberry tree of might She ventures tiptoeing; down the lane A tunnel of forest, hurry back again Her backpack, sturdy yellow of gold The teddy bear her companion, tucked in her fold And silently she graces, trees whisper to her Tucked safe and sound, she touches his fur And as she nears, that mulberry tree in the field She walks up to it, a smile she does yield And there she sits, beside the tree, I cannot go back, because here is me And she sits, there by its side The darkness descends, sun showing its tide And what if love were the mulberry tree The little girl sits there, at its knee And recounts her story, silence forever gone She lets go of anger, lets go of scorn A moment of peace; a moment of distant grace A silent smile, comes to her face And she returns to life; mulberry tree left behind Her memory reminds her; love is a find. Written for and inspired by Haullie Free www.voicesofstrength.org - for the pictures of the tree. I ran away to an area trying to escape......but had to return to the abuse... this poem recounts this time

Hells Gate

A long winding alley, oranges trees of green
I see you standing there, know what I mean
And then you peer down, does a smile come too
I know it is the start, the abuse in you

I know I remembered, the shame returns soon
And the orange tree stands there, flowers in bloom
And did it fascinate you to see, a little girl shy
Do you remember it now, a while past us by

And we share that memory, can I take it away
Smash it into pieces, mirrors cutting for today
And when all was said and done, and you turned away
Did you know that the girl would remember, years from today

I hope that you live your life, for hells where you will be
There will be your redemption, for doing this to me
And I have lived souls death, over and over in my mind
And releasing it now, my thoughts in a bind

And so you see now, the little girl still writes
Still remembers silently, those long dark lonely nights
And may you remember me, as you fly to hells ground
And a smile rises up, for this is what you found.

True love

Brings a smile
It flutters forward
Like butterfly wings
Dancing in the sun

A bubble, floating
From the sway of my shoulders
As I dance to the music
That I hear internally

An internal hug
As I see the dawn of the day
A joyous happiness
Smiles raised upwards with tears in my eyes

A change in my thoughts
A smile of surprise
Anger above and beyond
Thrilled to be alive

A red sports car
Running on full tilt
I look in the mirror
And my smile, smiles back

My face lights up
I laugh and continue on
And my wish is that
You find true love too

Love inside of me

i cannot exist, i cannot be

without your love inside of me

and i whisper now, from that place inside

i call i wonder can i hide?

and did you hear me, when i called your name

i love you deeply, within a frame

and when you were silent, did i whisper that word

Did you hear me, did it go unheard

So when I call, from my heart

And you listen; we deeply part

You have never been loved before

Close your eyes, I can give much more

So now you know, its within my mind

This love together, is my bind

And here is my hand; to clasp in grace

My heart has found its rightful place

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0hdaKkJU9A

Short Poetry Film

A Time to Remember

I am not sure I can; read another word
Listen to the call; going unheard
And dream another thought; as I fear that call
And here I shrink; curling into a ball

The pain of those months; not knowing what to do
Not understanding the darkness; the thoughts of you
And that feeling of helplessness; praying to the lord
Oh let them be here; don’t take them onboard

And living those dark nights; feeling the fear
The sobbing and crying; I cannot be near
And the aching inside, what do I do
The thousand teardrops; just for you

What will I say; when I get the call
What do I do; will I let you fall
And as I dream; begging someone there
Just telling you over and over; I just do care

And the agony of waiting; making that call
The anger that rises; the anger that falls
And making of lists and repeating them too
Of why I want you here; the life is in you

Of sending you notes and making this speech
Of worrying to death; of making me reach
Those dark filled nights; jumped at the phone
If only I knew; I had guessed by the tone

And I knew just when; I knew I was late
I figured it out; just feeling that hate
The anger; uncontrollable; the scare at my door
The tumbling of agony; falling to the floor

And when someone comes to you; their life in your hand
It is hard to comprehend; it is hard to understand
The call that I made; can I continue on
Giving them advice; feeling so gone

And then later they say thank you; the pain I went through
Remembering back; the fright that I knew
Of not knowing; of feeling lost; so unaware
The darkness seeps within me; the feeling of care

And what keeps you going; what remains there that day
Of thinking back; being too and fray
That feeling of togetherness; the loss so unreal
Of not having you here; the loss I can feel

I see you there now; standing aloft
The time that is passed; crying so soft
I remember back then; the fear rises so fast
I hope this time of quiet; does but last

So I take a deep breath; the feeling has past
The scare that I knew; hoping you would last
And the growth that it gave me; I am different I know
A year has past now; we feel calmness and grow

August 11 2007 5.07am

Dragons

Do Dragons Breathe Fire?

And here it is; fire in its breath
The venom coming out; that sudden death
A pointy tail; that dimwitted sound
Sharp claws; hidden all around

One look; and it frightens away
It's fire breath; coming into prey
The curled tail; spikey thorns of hate
The fire it breaths; running you late

But yet today; lets just stand back
Its only a picture; your thoughts overlap
And what if it were nothing; would it go away
I think it would; suddenly as today

And so lets change it; lets turn it around
Lets find a picture; a cartoon frown
Its blowing smoke; its saying stupid words
It is nothing; its overturned

Wobbly eyes it has; no breath in its wings
The colour is dulled; it does not sing
A hair of mess; was that picture of hate
It was overwrought; and scaring me of late

So here in this poem; its taken to know
Now whats left; is a cartoon show
Its only an image; that dragon tail
I see it now; its lost and frail

For you see; the images are the same
Its only me; seeing its game
And side by side; the images are there
And I push it aside; without a care

Firey Dragon

Lets ask around; the village is bad
It is terrorised; the dragon mad
It walks in; the villagers run
And scurry around; lifes not fun

You dont know the dragon; the village is lost
The dragon breathes fire; at all cost
It is overwrought; making the villagers hate
Its tearing down houses; it is singing irate

The villagers stand around; what do we do
They talk of the monster; I talk too
They ask the village over; protected and fine
What did you do; they give you a line

So you wait and wonder; nothing is done
The village is nearly lost; roofs are undone
So you take your sword; not knowing what to do
And you stand up; pointy sword for two

And the villages they watch; stand back amazed
They could not do that; they look in a daze
But here is the village; you say with your heart
We have to protect it; just a start

And here the village learnt; you cannot hide away
Protect the village; we are here to stay
And here is our sword; our words filled with power
It is our time; finally our finest hour

Souls do Speak; What art does

And what did I learn; what did I see
Arts taken a year; inside of me
A false start; not knowing what to do
Within my heart; still thoughts for two

Arts made with anger, its made with fear
Its made with love; wishing so near
A heart is hidden; a thought is there
Its still not over; wishing I was there

The purple haze; background of white
A dash of black; lost my mind with fright
Hidden messages abound; within its walls
And here Art is; my tears being to fall

And look within; the pieces I chose
The last two sit here; within it knows
A five ringed circus; worry me late
Will you guess it; will you hate

And today; as I had a thought
Did it make me wonder; feel overwrought
I have basically figured; you feel the same
And here we both play; that hiding game

So as you look; within this heart
There is a message; filled with art
The last piece I did; begin to set
Can I ask; can I get?

So stand back; and be amazed
For within the art; messages ablaze
And as you see it; your eyes do seek
Within this piece; souls do speak

A love heart in my soul

And deep down where the wind blows
And silent raindrops fall and goes
Within my soul; I paint a scene
I draw so silently; what does it mean

And here where it is safe and warm
And above the clouds; swing and swarm
And the palms; safe inside
Is a place where; we can hide

The oceans beat, a smile so fine
I greet you here; that hidden line
And the sands grain; I feel so deep
And here we are; forever to keep

And now; and your eyes begin to close
And I see; a whisper; silently to your toes
And look around; you will see it there
A love heart in my soul; to care

The Wall of Silence

There is a stare; over that wall
The silence broken; life begins to fall
A memory here; a thought just right
I remember it now; such a fright

And the years of silence; the years to forget
The years of denial; living regret
A family that lives; a life with that pain
And they sit there in silence; forever refrain

And how do they look; over that Christmas dinner tonight
Knowing a father; gave them such fright
And they sit there in silence; not saying a word
They sit there; like it was never heard

And pass me a plate; your dinner tonight
And lets all forget; you grew up in fright
And here is the peas; and here is your word
Lets all forget it; go on undisturbed

And so it is forgotten; the pain too hard to bare
That sitting across from you; a monster so fair
Silently sitting; awaiting his next prey
And it is all forgotten; the wall of silence this day

Marked My Soul

I saw an image; a few moments a go
My soul was marked; forever I know
The humilation; the fear; the agony; the pain
I will never be able to tell; I refrain

It cannot pass my lips tonight
I will live forever, in this horror and fright
It will haunt me throughout my days
What he watched; I hid it; 30 yrs to craze

He looked, fences high; garrett to the gate
The anger the fear the rising hate
And when he should have yelled and screamed
What he saw, horror nightmare dreams

And so tonight, when you read this poem
Know my soul is marked; for it is unknown
Buried deep you see; I cannot deal with the pain
You cannot see it now; inside it will remain

Balloons

Corner of the room; that little white room
Stands a little girl; holding a balloon
She has a tear; she wears it well
She is silent; she cannot tell

Sssh, listen; her quiet cry
I cannot understand; I bend down and try
The tears they drip; and fall down well
I listen closely; I cannot tell

And in a whisper; I hold her palm
Trying to keep her; still and calm
She whispers silently; he made me cry
He violated me; he did but try

And then I knew; what I had to do
I pulled out my pocket; and said just for you
A bag of balloons; as I held them there
Here it is; showing you I care

And there she stood; silently in a daze
As surrounded by her; in a haze
A parade of balloons; all by her side
She no longer was silent; no longer had to hide.