Touched

My mind wanders back
Through the years and the tears
Taking the journey that
Was to be forgotten

The pain rises, and then falls
Like waterdrop crystals in the rain
The memories leap forward
And then die, tragedy to be erased

The night it happened, my soul died
A thousand times over and fear became
My constant and dwelling companion
Swiftly replacing the love that I felt inside

The curtains were closed and the
Darkness outside enveloped the sun
The television hammered a show
Watched a thousand times by others

I wore jeans, and a jumper I think
The memory fades as I journey through
Years of distance in my mind
Years of horror and of pain

I was so innocent, I did not know
The pain was to start the instant
My father said "Come and share the couch"
I loved him for an instant

And then the pain and the scare
The horror and the nightmares started
The hiding and the tradegy
The loss of my family

The loss of my friends, the crying
The hospitalisation, the therapy
The arguements, suicide,
Not eating and refusing to talk; confusion

My soul took a dive that day.
It hid beneath the pain and the misery
Shining like a beacon saying
I am here, when you want me

All I needed to do was listen
And to understand I was always there,
That is was the fear that held me at bay
That crumpled me into a thousand pieces


I was asked to think about the day it all started. I wrote this poem without rhyme to capture this time.

I am please at how it turned out, and glad to be writing.

Notes on this poem:

This poem is the first of 4 poems in a series I wrote within an hour. It is the first poem I wrote without a rhyme. It discusses the first time that I was sexually abused by my father. I was 10 and a half and innocently watching tv in my family homes lounge room.

My world, my life, my memories, my happiness and safety in this world changed from this one moment. I wished to capture this in a poem.

Touching this memory, brings back a lot of fear and anxiety. Writing this poem made me physically sick, however I have an easier time now (its about 2 months or so since I wrote it) remembering it without it scaring me internally so much. This is what this poem has done for me. You can see the rest of the poem on my website at www.whitedovesnest.com (there are two more parts to it). It will also be on display at Healing through Creativity during July 2006. www.healingthroughcreativity.org